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KIDS SAY THE DARNEST THINGS... Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples: - The future of "I give" is "I take." - The parts of speech are lungs and air. - The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes. - A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population. - (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water. - A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot. - The general direction of the Alps is straight up. - A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator. - Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris. - The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums. - The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom. - We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk. - One of the main causes of dust is janitors. - A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities. - One by-product of raising cattle is calves. - To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat. - The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. - The climate is hottest next to the Creator. - Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings. - The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom. - Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners. - The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other. - In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon. - Iron was discovered because someone smelt it. - In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah. Jumping with Joy! This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you're doing?" She says, "I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?" "Well, your name never came up..." she replied. Don't Mess With the Status Quo Jesus recently visited the earth and went to the emergency room of the local hospital. There he saw a man in shorts moaning and holding his foot. He asked the man, "My son, what's the matter?" The man responded, "I broke my ankle playing basketball." With that Jesus bent over, touched his foot and the pain disappeared. The man then walked around, felt great, gave Jesus a bear hug and exclaimed, "Thanks a lot!" Jesus then saw a woman with a mangled hand and asked her what happened. She replied, "I was holding a bag of groceries and my car door slammed shut on my hand. I hope than can fix it." With that, Jesus healed her hand. She kissed Jesus on the cheek and said, "Wow, mister, you're great!" Then Jesus sees a man in a wheelchair with a bandaged head. Jesus starts walking to him and the man looks scared and tries to go backwards. Jesus says, "My son, don't be afraid, I'm here to help you." "Don't touch me! I'm on workman's comp," the man plea. Do You Have Any Jokes I Can Use? E-mail me here! Copyright © 1997, 2000 The use of any of this material without the consent of the author is strictly prohibited