habit

point numero uno--i am blogging early tonight because i am feeling less than the best and i really can't afford to get sick right now. its never a good time, but i dont need fucked up ears when gonna be on airplanes. ouch.

point numero dos--there are bound to be mega typos tonight because when i was putting my newly laundered top sheet on my bed mac decided it would be a good play time, and promptly put a slice through the tender meaty top third of my middle finger on my right hand. so its band-aided and bulky. thanks mac.

i woke up with my head feeling all clunky on the inside, and with a very aggravated left nostril. it felt very sore up in sinusland on that side and i wasn't digging it. been popping vitamin c and echinacea with zinc all day. i didnt get any nausea from that pill, but another side effect was headache, and i think maybe thats what the final push was. its also turbo air conditioned at the gym and sweating in that envrionment combined with not enough sleep might be the culprit. regardless, need to kick the lurking cold in the ass.

the survivor party at anita's was cancelled. she is feeling blah, i was feeling blah, pam went back to ottawa and marni was a no-show. so we just called and gossiped at the commercials. woo! survivor is back. and i already hate and love some people. brandon: you are a whiny bitch. shut the fuck up.
tom: you are a racist redneck mofo. the guy's name is clarence, not c.b. clarence's last name is black. he told clarence if he had a gun he would shoot him and then tried to vote him off calling him c.b even tho thier tribe needs his strength to win challenges. tom has got to go. yee haw. i said i bet his luxury item was a klansman hood. j said that their tribe's best fire will be when the redneck hick burns the cross.
clarence: you should not have eaten the beans. but you have an incredible abdominal region, and so i forgive you.
ethan: you shore are purty. silas: you too. at least i think its silas. not sure.
the woman who got the boot was the one who should have. so far, so good.

the president spoke. i like him. so far i am still going to fly. i got two emails that really helped today, one a newspaper article that is super encouraging from caryn, and one a letter from a woman named suzanne (great leonard cohen song) who reads me that i have yet to meet. with her permission i am putting her email here:

hi steph : )

i live in manhattan with my husband (also a big pj fan) and my four year old
son. when the attacks occurred on september 11, i thought the last thing
i'd be doing this month would be going to bridge. i live about five miles
from ground zero and am lucky that my loved ones are all ok. however, lots
of friends and family lost many loved ones. too many memorials. the
firehouse my son and i pass everyday on the fifteen minute walk to his
preschool, lost nine men. it's heartbreaking. i didn't want to fly, leave
my son (even with my parents, whom he adores and take wonderful care of him),
and even hear pj. it just wasn't important. however, i never canceled our
plane tickets and hotel reservations. hmmmm. then, two weeks ago, i decided
i really wanted to go. i felt ok flying. it was my choice and my instincts.
my husband felt ok with it too. a friend was trying to get us tix, as all i
pulled were lawn, and at three months pregnant it would just be too
uncomfortable. especially with having to go to the bathroom so often. ; )
some people try to make me feel bad (not necessarily their intention). 'what
if you get stuck there? what about jack?' 'you're going *without* jack?'
and so on and so on and so on. too me, at this point, only my mom is allowed
to use the guilt. and being jewish, it's cultural and expected. ; )
actually, mom is ok with it right now. so, we are flying to bridge, to see
one show. oh yeah, there are those who say, 'you're going to fly to
california to see a concert? to see pearl jam?' but, those people never get
it. : ) they didn't get it when we saw five shows last tour either. to me,
there is no better reason to fly, than to see my favorite band.

i understand your feelings. being conflicted. that's so ok and so normal.
it's only been a month, and we don't know the future. if you are ok with
flying, then fly. if you feel different next week, then it is your choice to
change your plans. it's also ok to have mixed feelings and still go. it is
so hard when there is no definitive 'right' or 'wrong'. by your writing, you
seem to be a person who follows your instincts. go with them.

while i am at peace with flying, i also know the experience of going to the
airport, checking-in, and flying with be anxiety provoking and different. i
can't change that, and am trying to accept it. i wouldn't want jack with us.
i don't want him to feel any residual anxiety we may have or that will
definately be on the plane. children are such intuitive little beings and
all. : )

hope this was helpful and that you have a peaceful flight and a wonderful
time at bridge.

suzanne

i think that pretty much speaks for itself.

and nowhere is safer than anywhere else, on the ground or in the air. on the bus home from the gym some sketchy lookin dude was getting off, with his hand in his pocket. my paranoid imagination supplied the thought: he could have a detonator in there. he is getting off and then...

this is no way to live a life. death will come when it comes. in the meantime i need as much pearl jam as i can get. and i can't wait to get and give all those hugs either. i need to stop playing a victim when nothing has happened to me, and go more with the 'i will kick your ass if you try to fuck with me' attitude, with an additonal 'especially if its before i see the boys and my mom' tacked on for good measure. daniela, who i will be rooming with, posted to the newsgroup. she is on airplanes all week long. she said she is ready with the axe for anyone who tries to get near her cockpit. you go girl.

i got the money back from my prescription. i commenced to blow that money on hair dye and cat food. the add says l'oreal preference lasts 6 weeks without fading. to that i say: CROCKOLA. i dyed my hair blue black on the 10th of september (some things will be impossible to forget). that is four weeks ago to the day. i am seeing brown hair. worse, i am seeing grey hair. 6 weeks my ass. i bought cherry black this time. i hope i dont wind up with that pink halo over my mane. that would be bad.

and i am conversing with jess and drawing blanks. i wanna get this up and get to bed. noone i talk to online is into survivor so i don't have anyone to gossip with about it...except bowman! which isnt so great because he is three hours behind so i have to keep my big yap shut which isnt easy.

so yeah. its 11:15 and time to get horizontal. my nose is getting blocked, but only on that one side.

i know i should say something because its the one month anniversary of the attacks. what do you say in the face of 6000 or more deaths? we are all forever changed, and they will never be forgotten. they died at the hands of hate, but love was borne in the space they left behind. for them:

i've used hammers made out of wood, i have played games with pieces and rules, i undeciphered tricks at the bar
but now you're gone, i haven't figured out why

i've come up with riddles and jokes about war, i've figured out numbers and what they're for
i've understood feelings and i've understood words
but how could you be taken away?

and wherever you've gone, and wherever we might go...it don't seem fair...today just disappear.
your light's reflected now, reflected from afar
we were but stones; your light made us stars.

with heavy breath, awakened regrets
backpages and days alone that could have been spent together but we were miles apart
every inch between us becomes light years now
**no time to be void, or save up on life...oh, you gotta spend it all**

and wherever you've gone
and wherever we might go
it dont seem fair
we all want you here
your light's reflected now
reflecting from afar
we were but stones
your light made us stars.

and wherever you've gone, and wherever we might go
it don't seem fair, for days to disappear
your light's reflected now, reflectin from afar
we were but stones...your light made us stars.
goodbye...oh goodbye...goodbye, goodbye...i love you, goodbye.

pearl jam-light years-pinkpop 2000. it will break your heart to hear it, but if you have it put it on.

goodnight. pay attention. be careful out there. be kind. xo one love.