habit

woopsie, i done missed a night. again. well what the fuck. its summer.

today started in about as good a way as a day can start. it might have been the best ever start of a day in recent history of the world.

my phone rang. it was chantal. she woke me up but i understood this: 'steph, im going to this wedding on a beach in cancun. everyone is staying in beachfront huts, and i got a two bed hut for me and a friend, but my friend cant make it. you should come. i'll see if i can use my frequent flyer points for your airfare. for a week.'

you can see how when i woke up i thought i had totally dreamed it. i didnt. check this shit out, yo. eventually i spoke to chantal and called united...the verdict is out on the frequent flyer point thing. the flight round trip would be like 1200 dollars, so theres no way i could afford it any other way. and even if she can pull it off with frequent flyer points, im not certain i could get the time off work.

but how in fuck could i turn that down? thats too incredible of an offer to decline. chantal rocks the fucking casbah. i think over the last ten years maybe ive seen her 7 times in total. this would give us the chance to hang for 7 days straight, and on a frickin beach and touring mayan ruins. its like the fucking price is right. and i dont have to kiss that bacteria laden wrinkly cheek.

i went out and picked up some stuff including diet rc cola. i think of pepsi and coke, rc is my favorite. its just so super cola-y. it wins. and i found out today that the rc stands for 'royal crown'. how cool. i had no idear.

when i got back, dr phil was on oprah. they were talking about losing weight, and how people get fat because they allow their lives to be set up in a way where weight gain is possible. this struck a chord in me because i think i have gained in the past months, and i know my eating pattern has been completely emotionally controlled...its rare that i eat purely out of hunger.

i tell myself that i used to smoke to signify the end of the meal, to send a message to my body that i was done, and now that ive quit...there is no mark to the end of the meal. but the truth is, i eat to fill the void in me. of loneliness, of boredom, of sadness. i chew it away. and i know it, but its really really hard to stop. what gets me to control my eating is mostly becoming addicted to working out...which i am not at the moment. if i am obsessively working out, i am way more careful. lately i am fully out of control.

well, no more. i am so gonna buy dr phil's book. i always think he is dead on with his directives. i am going to start going public with what i eat in a day. become accountable for it. face up to it. and i will do that here. here's today:

--falafel in a pita with hummous and tahini. side order of pickled beets.
--bag of light microwave popcorn
--slice of crappy plain pizza at the ballpark with 2/3 of the cheese ripped off
--the majority of a box of snackwell chocolate cookies. argh.

was totally out of control with those cookies, and its my own fault. i allowed them to be near me by buying them. buying them was the only way to eat them. i wont do that again.

if i were really coming clean id post my weight in here....but i dont know that im ready to do that. im VERY sensitive about body image and even though i own a scale (a cool pink 70s one) i dont think ive been on it since i got it last summer. but i have to state exactly how much i want to lose, and i can only do that if i know exactly how much i weigh. maybe i'll weigh myself tomorrow. yes, tomorrow.

sorry to play weight watchers in here, but its my journal and if i can use it to benefit me im gonna. hello food diary. the more i out myself with the bad habit of overeating and eating unhealthily, the more i have to face up to it...and thats good. i'll behave my way to success. dr phil, you are the shit.

i see dr phil is getting his own show. someone gonna have to be taping that shit up for me on a regular basis.

after that it was off to the ball game. i got a very bad feeling when our starting pitcher left the game in the first inning after getting pegged in the arm with a hit. that is NOT good. sure enough within two innings it was 2-0 royals. i felt even worse when frank brought fucking pavano into the game. that fucking moron faced four batters: two of them hit doubles, and two of them he hit with pitches! i fucking lost my voice screaming at him. 'SIT DOWN PAVANO' 'PACK YOUR BAGS PAVANO' 'PAVANO....EARLY RETIREMENT IN OTTAWA' etc. he brought the score to 4-1 royals. he SUCKS and i wanted to kill robinson for bringing him in.

long story short, after pavano the expos pitching was downright killer. 2 hits, 9 strikeouts....good stuff. and we won, yet another comeback victory for the spos, yet another very happy stephanie, five game winning streak...and the braves lost to boot (GO DETROIT!) so we gained on them and are all alone in second place. i fucking LIKE IT.

it was an active ball game to be in the crowd for. one of the royals took this lame swing and missed, and the bat went flying out of his hands into the stands. dangerous. everyone was fine though...and then the royal bat boy came to get it, and the ump was telling the guy to give it back. all 6000 of us started booing like crazy, and they let him keep it. fucking right. nearly took his head off.

then what should have been a double play by the expos turned into only one out because the runner from first went out of his baseline to fuck up vidro's throw. which he did, so the dude was safe at first base. frank came out and was giving the 2nd base ump all the shit in the world, pointing at the dirt around the base which was fucking total solid proof of the dirty running, and the crowd got behind him and was cheering and booing madly. it was great.

love that shit.

and i come home and know there is the one hour glory of THE MOLE sitting on my videotape, ready for me whenever i am ready for it. mama like.

mama go watch.

take it easy yo. wish me good beach karma. imagine that. im not even willing to really, so i dont get disappointed. but imagine that. i havent been on a tropical beach since....about ten years. unless you consider jones beach tropical. =) oh, to be by the ocean....

--hold on to the thread...the currents will shift--