habit

last night's dream: i went up into the apartment of jori's mother. later it became the apartment of my auntie mary and uncle nort. this apartment only exists in my subconscious, and i havent seen jori or her mother in ages. a long dinner table was set up. anita was with me...someone else too. my dad was there. kwi and noik were there (havent seen these guys in a decade), and so was noik's dad, clear as day. my mom was there, and my cousin mitchell and rauna and their dad were there, and they gave my mother a scrabble game and she was thrilled and told my cousin robert to shut up. elysa monk was there. people i dont know and many that i'm not remembering too. i sat for awhile on my dad's lap. everyone was chatting, music was playing, it was clear it was very late at night. and then the power flickered for a moment. and i jumped up and said 'i have to get out of here, is anyone else leaving?' some girl i don't know in reality said yes, and i said sorry and we left, and i ran down all these flights of stairs, people working in the hallways...and came out on the street thru their cafe and their were like 100 other people who had panicked too. it was cold. we looked up at the building and it wasnt very tall and there was nothing wrong with it. i walked around to the other side...nothing. i went back up. and then my phone rang.

i really wonder if anything will be the same again. coil says i'm thinking too much. but i was asleep.

national day of mourning. needless to say, it was an emotionally overcharged kind of day.

our minister of finance said it best, in my opinion. he said that after hearing the news his wife wanted to call their eldest son, in singapore. he told her 'its the middle of the night there, and its so far away...don't worry, he's fine.' she said 'i don't care...i just want to reach him, touch him, hold him...' and that that is how canada feels about the united states right now. that they are our closest neighbors, and we feel their pain as though it is our own. and that IS how i've felt.

i think i shed tears about 15 times today. hearing amazing grace gospel style...watching an american woman next to me sob...thinking of the lost and those who remain that miss them...the heroes in the aftermath, the stories...its endless. and it aches inside me. and if it aches inside me, what must it be like for those there, in nyc and dc? for those who saw things first hand? i know when i hear the plane in that footage, before it enters the picture...the roar of its engine...its the worst thing i have ever heard and it fills me with dread, knowing what i am about to see...what is it like for residents of that city? of that country across the line?

i wanted to go into detail about the services, and moments of silence observed today, and candlelight vigils. about how the interview i had focused more on the tragedy than the job at hand. about how i finally think i would believe in and support a war that would combat terrorism, break down government systems and change education in middle eastern countries where children are taught to hate all things western and have it ingrained in their psyche. i would find it a noble war, and i feel sick just saying it, because i try to be nonviolent and anti-war and death. and yet, this is the world now. this is reality. whats happened CAN happen, because it did. everything must be done so that it doesnt happen again. it makes me feel evil, but i know i am good. my god, i miss monday. monday was so fucking wonderful.

make it 16.

that terrible tuesday, i found the most meaningful commentary that summarized all of what we had to deal with that day came from rex murphy, a correspondent for cbc news. if you are so inclined, you can go read it here.

after all that i went to work. i started out feeling calm, having released much emotion and having had the experience of sharing my pain at a gathering, that much needed feeling of solidarity and community achieved. and then two of my so called friends there...they just got to me. i dont doubt that i was oversensitive, but that was it. i had had enough, too much, and i left. i couldnt deal with their petty shit, and they hurt me with it. i'm probably just exhausted. its been a long day.

chantal told me today she has been listening to alot of bob marley to deal with everything. so for her, and for me, and for everyone everywhere i'll sign out with this, another beautiful prayer.

One love, one heart
Let's get together and feel all right
Hear the children crying (One love)
Hear the children crying (One heart)
Sayin', "Give thanks and praise to the Lord and I will feel all right."
Sayin', "Let's get together and feel all right."
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

Let them all pass all their dirty remarks (One love)
There is one question I'd really love to ask (One heart)
Is there a place for the hopeless sinner
Who has hurt all mankind just to save his own?
Believe me

One love, one heart
Let's get together and feel all right
As it was in the beginning (One love)
So shall it be in the end (One heart)
Alright, "Give thanks and praise to the Lord and I will feel all right."
"Let's get together and feel all right."
One more thing

Let's get together to fight this Holy Armageddon (One love)
So when the Man comes there will be no, no doom (One song)
Have pity on those whose chances grow thinner
There ain't no hiding place from the Father of Creation

Sayin', "One love, one heart
Let's get together and feel all right."
I'm pleading to mankind (One love)
Oh, Lord (One heart) Whoa.

"Give thanks and praise to the Lord and I will feel all right."
Let's get together and feel all right.
(Repeat)

i can't get it out of my head:

"Fire And Rain"
James Taylor

Just yesterday morning they let me know you were gone
Susanne the plans they made put an end to you
I walked out this morning and I wrote down this song
I just can't remember who to send it to

I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you again

Won't you look down upon me, Jesus
You've got to help me make a stand
You've just got to see me through another day
My body's aching and my time is at hand
And I won't make it any other way

Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you again

Been walking my mind to an easy time my back turned towards the sun
Lord knows when the cold wind blows it'll turn your head around
Well, there's hours of time on the telephone line to talk about things
to come
Sweet dreams and flying machines in pieces on the ground

Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you, baby, one more time again, now

Thought I'd see you one more time again
There's just a few things coming my way this time around, now
Thought I'd see you, thought I'd see you fire and rain, now


it speaks for itself. this song has always struck a chord and is beautifully sad. but now...i don't think i could hear it just now.


i am so thirsty. but the kitchen is all the way over there.

when i woke up i put on the tv to get the news. i wanted to hear about lives saved, miracles, diamonds in the rough. on cbc there were cartoons. on ctv, travel travel and on global some other non news chazarye (yiddish for bullshit)(i saw my dad earlier, he always brings out the old school jew in me). i couldnt believe it. how could they have gone back to normal programming when i (and thus surely most others) felt anything but normal??

me and anita got in touch. decided to get out of the house and go give blood. do some good. counterbalance the evil in the air with some goodness. so we went and ate tasty omelettes, and headed to the blood drive. we were there waiting for about 3 hours. we read the free weeklies and the toronto star. the pictures as spellbinding as the news reports. there was a story i wont repeat that brought me to tears. the personal stories of last words between loved ones trapped and whomever they called...they are going to break our hearts over and over again.

and the survivor stories. is there anything better?

i had my iron tested with a finger prick which was painful. i told the nurse she was a mean mean woman. turns out for a vegetarian i have great iron levels. i was surprised. then i sat in the chair and i was ready, and excited and only a little freaked out, having never given blood before. but this wasnt about me and my fear...this was about doing something. the greater good.

but my blood didnt want to leave. turns out the nurse jabbed a small vein and it burst, so no blood would come out. i asked her to please use the other arm but she said no, because it was my first time she felt i had enough. my heart sank. i felt completely deflated. she thought it was because i had waited so long. but it was because my mission was incomplete.

deflated and disappointed. the nurse said 'its just as though you gave' and i know thats the spirit of it, but its not how it felt to me. i cried. there has to be something i can do to help. my mother says that by telling the story of my day maybe someone else will go out and give blood, and good deeds will be done, and that it can be the start of a chain of events. then again, she also said 'well i guess you'll just have to give away a kidney now' too.

i went and met up with my dad and his friends because i just wanted to hug him and be babied. i went to blockbuster and rented movies that have nothing to do with planes and death and that hopefully will provide some relief.

tomorrow at 12 20 there will be 3 minutes of silence across canada for those lost in tuesday's attacks. i hope there is some gathering place because i want to be part of a group who are as affected by this as i am. then i will have to boot over to my job interview. i'm sure i'll be in really great shape.

'yeah give me the job or don't. whatever. what does it matter anyway'. man will they be impressed.

actually the chance to do something i love is something i will try not to let slip by, and tuesdays incidents have increased my drive to do so. there is really no time to waste on mediocrity because you never know what the day will bring. so i will go for gold.

did you all see anita's entry into my guest book? thats anino to rhyme with el ni~no. what a crazy biatcha. that pus-y beef cake comment....no comment. you wanna know, ask her.

so thats it. me and my black and blue arm will get a drink. emotions have been running so high for three days now. people must be exhausted. and yet, there is no shortage of tears and this never gets more acceptable. it remains the worst thing i have ever seen not first hand.

first hand...well i could list a few things that involve small dogs and cars, and my father last october...but really, what a grim topic. and things are grim enough.

lets see if i can think of something humourous to go out on tonight. ummm.....uhhhhhh....well. i got nothing. why was 6 afraid of 7?

because 7 8 9.

i tried.

be nice.

'celebrate we will. cuz life is short, but sweet for certain.'--dmb

'im in a new york state of mind'--billy joel
'in a new york minute everything can change'--don henley
'people in pain i do not dig it'--red hot chili peppers

'sing loud cuz yer still alive'--ed vedder--from its okay, daughter tag, august 3, 2000.

so its starting to sink in. comprehending it no longer matters. its happened, and there is no going back. i think it will get worse before it gets better. i thought i was going to throw up/break down when i got to work today. but i didn't.

at the same time that i am disgusted with my own species, i am also completely thrilled to be alive. i heard about heroes on the plane, and i see the pain in faces of strangers in the street, and there is solace in that. nobody is the same. maybe it can bring about a more caring people, a kinder people. but there are those who are going apeshit to have a war. and that is beyond disturbing. what scares me more is that i don't think i'm opposed to it. i am opposed to more death, but how can anyone be allowed to get away with whats happened? its already a no win situation, nothing will bring the innocent back. its hard to be a pacifist under these conditions. i just don't know.

there were alot of americans at the restaurant tonight. some stuck here, like a man from north carolina and a woman from LA. everyone mortified. she said she just wants to go home to her family, he said he is happy to not be on a plane right now anyway and would rather wait to have ensured safety.

does ensured safety exist anymore?

new york was synonymous with confidence. can they rebound? i believe in the human spirit and have to say yes. yes.

i talked with joe today, briefly. it was overwhelmingly wonderful to see his name but i felt guilty being all smiles under these conditions. i got the feeling the boy is numb right now. and really, how could he not be. he saw horrible things and a blank mind is better than one filled with those images. i fear for him, and am worried, and am glad he has loved ones around him. he was one who never wanted to hear the news or read the paper because he felt the horrible stories so deeply. and now this. awful. all i want is to hug him and can't.

i would love to hug anyone right about now. it would be so nice to have someone to hang onto. but who am i to complain. i am alive.

the fact that the restaurant is closing is meaningless in light of this. just about everything is. a manager was fired...so what? he wasn't KILLED. he can find more work.

i have become very positive lately. this is good. even with all of this. though this is the worst thing i have ever seen, from a non personal standpoint. and columbine was awful. i guess you cant measure the weight of two awfuls...but this is just immense.

so. i cant believe it all happened only yesterday. doesnt it feel like we've been dealing with this for a week? its unreal, all of it.
and i feel so lucky to be alive. drunk with it, really. not that i am soaked in happiness, of course i'm not. its a strange feeling. i am at once horrified and ecstatic. its emotional rollercoaster.

last night i went to a step class at about 7 30. i had to get away from the tv. and it was a good move. i sweat, i pushed, i felt pain in my body, i fought, i released all that stress and worry and fear and despair. of course i came home and became reglued to it.

its a mourning time. but also a time to be grateful that we have the opportunity to live. and wasting it is criminal. every day to the fullest. every day being kind and trying to bring happiness to others. every day doing what you love and trying to make this world a better place. because it has never been more obvious that there are ample amounts of people who are not only the definition of ugliness and cruelty, but who want to destroy the world completely.

on a completely superficial note: i love my hair. i have a job interview on friday to be a writer/editor for some municipal newspapers.

anyway. i wish strength for all who are feeling weak, and comfort for all who are in pain, which is a group that includes me. and the families and friends of the victims...well we all kind of feel that we are. but imagine for those who are truly. maybe the staggering numbers of deaths will have one positive effect...maybe it will connect those who are grieving, provide others who know exactly what they are feeling and going through, guarantee that noone will feel alone. just maybe. lets hope so.

so. i dunno. i wish i could help. its such a helpless feeling, to be a tv viewer in another country.

'don't be shy, just let your feelings roll on by'--cat stevens

feel what you do. go on with life. cope how you can. and hope that its over.

i wonder...do i say this to you, the reader, or to me, or to noone. i dont even know. but i have to say it.

i think its time to listen to long road.

be loving.

the whole world will be different.....

can anything go back to normal? will anyone ever feel as safe as they did yesterday again?

joe is safe. chantal is safe. her voice was amazing. joe's mom telling me he is ok but saw some shit...hearing his voice will be like winning the lottery. i love those two, truly.

so many people are not ok. so so so so many. noone could make this up, so thats how i know its real. i have seen the images 100 times today, but each time they take my breath away, cause me to clasp my hand over my mouth...

there are no adequate adjectives.

light years from pink pop coming up.

be gentle.

christ almighty.

joe and chantal. be ok. you have to be.

there is good in the world. there is good in the world.

i cant wrap my head around this. its too big. i get to one airplane being hijacked and thats enough.

and its not over yet. i send positive thoughts into the universe.

i can't believe what i have seen. and people are living (and dying) through it as i type this. i have to go to work.

i send love.

see it happen to a couple of a friends. see it happen and the message it sends. taking off for what's an obvious fall. just to see what all the fuss is about.

never thought you'd habit. and yet my counter reads 701. =)

i thought this name was more fitting. hope you like. and if not, go jump in a lake. go fly a kite. yknow, those things are supposed to be mean spirited, but jumping in a lake and flying a kite are both pleasurable activities.

and also...what do the initials o.k. stand for? where did they come from? why does ok mean ok???

this is my brain on 4 thirty in the morning.

oh man. there is something i'd like to discuss, but i can't. not here. not now.

the overall result is one big fucking happy me. more to follow, when its more opportune.

right now it is super late. it was a good monday. i took my lazy arse to the gym. i dyed my hair blue black. i spoiled myself and ordered in chinese. i ate a snickers bar. i watered the plants and did the laundry.

i watched britney spears do a horrible lip synch on rosie odonnell. but i have to say the dancing was amazing, that 19 year old choreographer really impresses me. i asked jess if she watched rosie today and she said 'no, i hate that whore'. gee, jess, tell me how you really feel. the funny thing is she wasnt talking about britney as the whore, but rosie. i shoulda taped it for her, but thats what reruns are for. i couldnt put my vcr through it.

i bought a cd today. michael jackson, thriller. good stuff. wanna be startin something holds up as a great dance tune, and is really cool in headphones. thriller is a great smooth dancing one too. listening to it brings the video to mind. i think i want to take a dance class, like...janet jackson style. i wonder who i could get to take one with me. probably dumb had-to-move-to-ottawa-pam woulda, but she had to go and move to ottawa. beat it is dated and cheesy, but billie jean is still great. and human nature. good purchase.

ok i'm gonna go finish customizing my new feature: a guestbook! sign it, make me laugh.

have to work lunch tomorrow. gotta be up in about 6 and a half hours. not the best.

when they say why? why? tell them that its human nature.

i have selected interesting writing music. i can't quite explain why, but i am listening to cypress hill. 'i want to get high...so high'. actually, no i don't, but its still got a good groove going, so lets see what it brings.

my day was action packed. it was intensely hot and without a breeze so air conditioning was the priority of the day. i slacked around all morning and dad picked me up to go to the ball game. such a promising start: a cabrera homer in the second, a 4-1 lead. but our starter hurt himself and the relievers were an embarrassment. final score: 12-4. ouch. not to mention the jackass behind me spilled his beer all over my arm and leg. i turned around and asked him in french: what, it was too heavy? the guy didnt even have the decency to get me a napkin or anything. classy.

speaking of which the asshole move of the month goes to this couple who i wish i had the nerve to tell what assholes they are. a foul ball came into the stands really near us, and it wound up deflecting off this older man who wasnt paying attention because he was so into his little ice cream sundae. it hit him in the ice cream and it went all over him, and the guy behind him got the ball, a guy about my age, whose girlfriend was with him. the ice cream man was there solo, and had the same expos cap as me. the ice cream had splashed down on his pants, and on his face, and his jacket. its making me sad remembering it. and he wasnt upset or anything, and somehow wasnt even aware of it on his pants or face. he just kept eating and kinda looked a bit bummed about not getting the ball. meanwhile the asshole couple behind him were laughing hysterically at his misfortune, and that he didnt know the ice cream was on his face. i was watching this from our small distance and getting increasingly upset. then the guy in front of me went over to the man, and asked the security to get him some napkins, and he got cleaned up. i could have hugged him. if it had been me with the ball, number one i would have totally helped the man get cleaned up, and number two given him the ball. but these fuckers did neither. they made me sick. some people.

lets take a break here to get down with insane in the brain. who you tryin to get crazy with essai? don't you know i'm loco?

that was fun. ok, after the sad display of a game my dad was intent on catching the rest of the alouettes game. anita had to work tonight, and i couldnt get a hold of pammy, so i was game to tag along. football in my opinion is best played not watched, but whatever...it was all about the a/c. we sat in champs and watched the game. at least one montreal team won. then we decided to take in a movie.

selecting a movie with my father is a trick. its about pleasing him, which means dumb comedies are out, things with love and/or kids are out, as are foreign things. whats in are thrillers, cops, lawyers, thugs and thieves. the only thing i could find was this thing called 'session 9'. without hesitation i tell you this: never see this movie. ever. it is a bore and beyond stupid. it is a pathetic rip off of the shining and it managed to get two positive reviews in the free weeklies here. by the end me and my dad were making jokes and giggling and just itching for it to end. i knew the woody allen flick would have been the better choice. anyway here is the golden rule of the day: if david caruso is in it, don't see it. its that easy.

ok cypress hill is no longer working for me. lets see if p-funk can't mellow the vibe out. get up on the dance floor, everybody git'up. better.

when we parked to go to the sports bar we found a spot on this side street right in front of this tiny and really old synagogue, the only one in my neighborhood. its from back in the day. it was locked, but when we left to go to the movie theater the front door was ajar. so i poked my head in and asked if we could take a peek. my dad put on a kipa and we got to check it out. it was really cool, beautiful stained glass and really old benches and really small, with cool paintings on the walls. really neat. my dad said the government is paying to have it renovated. wow i just had to really squeeze my brain to get the word 'renovated' out. but i scraped it off the floor of my brain, next to the gum. anyway, that was cool.

then i came home and checked the newsgroup. the news isnt good. this is what i read, in reference to the bridge show:

the full lineup is:

Neil Young & Crazy Horse
Aerosmith
Pearl Jam
Ben Harper (solo)
R.E.M.
New Order w/ Billy Corgan & Moby
Bette Midler

the first name was jaw dropping. seeing new order and bette midler did little to comfort me. i was like: NO. then i checked the bridge site: no confirmation of this at all. i checked 5h: nothing there either. thank go[ssar]d. i even took a deep breath and went to the freakin aerosmith site and found the only october date listed there is the 15th in MN. please let it remain as such. i don't need to hear any crazyamazincryin acoustic medleys. hayelllll, no. on that list i love neil and pj. but i still am hoping for another artist to thrill me. none of those others do. *fingers crossed*

will smith as ali. i didnt think he could pull it off but the preview was pretty promising. but if you haven't seen 'when we were kings' which stars the actual ali in a documentary style film about his fight with george foreman in africa, then you are really missing out. i am no boxing fan, quite the opposite, and i LOVED this movie. really. rent it tonight. i'll refund you if you don't get something out of it. trust me, see it.

ok i'll touch it with a ten foot pole: my last entry before this one. you'd think at 30 i'd have a better head on my shoulders in both situations, not that either are disastrous. i'm thinking scenario a is all clear, while scenario b i'm gonna allow to breathe before i get in there. who knows what he's thinking. as for me...i'm thinking: got it out of my system...or that was fun...or thats gonna scare him out of our cool friendship....or wonder if he enjoyed it, cuz i kind of dug it, in a lighthearted way. it was nothing really. so we'll see how that plays out.

i saw the preview for the movie with two dudes from nsync in it. when it ended my dad leaned over to me and said 'make sure i never see that'. sure thing pops. what a done story line. how do hack writers get this stuff made?? oh, by casting pop stars who are going to rake in the box office. yeah, i almost forgot. its odd that they cast the obviously gay one as the lead in a romantic hetero dealie. i guess cash can build a really deep closet.

and with that i'm all writed out. this daddy's girl is gonna hit the couch and fan for a bit. and i'm gonna keep my lips to myself. for tonight, anyway.

=)

my day started with me getting into an argument with my last boyfriend.

it ends with me kissing my first boyfriend.

strange how shit goes down. i have had a headache for at least 5 hours running. just took two advil, as it turns out going for a drink in a bar where there is some live drum party going on is not what it took to cure it.

staring at this white screen isn't doing me a world of good either, and the first two sentences pretty much say it all. neither of those two events were especially passionate or necessary or serious. but what were the chances.

anyway goodnight. forgive my lack of effort and enthusiasm. when i say 5 hours running i am not exaggerating.

go advil go.

later dudes.