habit

shit on a stick. its 4 30 in the morning. i have yet to sleep. or even feel really tired.

i forgot something in my blog for the day. i received a package today from a couple in three rivers, mass. i had served them at work sometime after september 11 and before september 23. i talked to them about how sad it all way and how affected canadians were, and gave them suggestions of where to go hang out while in the city. in the card they invited me to look them up if ever in their neck of the woods, and thanked me for 'supporting their country'. in the package was a small box from tiffany's. inside the small box was a red, white and blue ribbon that had an american flag pin stuck into it. i pinned it onto my bag right away.

and then i spent 8 hours shopping. about 7 and 3/4 hours in i looked down at my bag to find that the pin already was lost. f-u-c-k. oh well. it was the thought that counted, and their action of sending it to me. so sweet. supersweet.

lying on the couch just now i watched rosie odonnell. it was very pro flying and i was happy to see it because i had made peace with doing the air travel thing in the last 24 hours. sheri dropping out is disappointing, but understandable, and i know i could make it work regardless. and then i watched oprah.

oprah's topic today was 'when will you fly again'. i thought it would be inspiring. instead, it was educational. she had air travel and air official experts on the show and they weren't bullshitting around with just 'fly cuz we can' type stuff. and i found out a number of unsettling things:

#1. for the thousands of flights that go on in the states daily there are THIRTY air marshals. that is it. they would like to have 15 thousand of them. it will take months to train them fully. they are trained to shoot to kill in 1.2 seconds.

#2. the staff at the airport who are screening the carry on baggage are hourly workers who do not have to undergo background checks. the former faa worker mentioned how it is likely the 9/11 terrorists had connections on the inside, and how a flight scheduled to take off in atlanta was found to have boxcutters taped under it. they can be anyone, these all important screeners. and that is not good.

#3. the presence of the national guard is more cosmetic than anything having to do with air travel. should an attack take place on an airport, they can be useful. but as for passengers, bags and what goes on on the actual planes...they aren't doing anything.

#4. the door to the cockpit is not secured against all odds. it is still surpassable. they said if the faa wanted to they could have that fixed by tomorrow. so why arent they doing it??

#5. the amount of money they received is billions more than they lost. they already had been sitting on 14 billion dollars that they get off every airline ticket bought. they were supposed to make changes over the last decade and they havent. what are they doing with the money? why dont they make the changes to make it safe? there is technology that scans passengers eyes and takes pictures of passengers and runs them through a terrorist database...so that any suspicious or outright guilty person is identified before a flight takes off. but its only being used at SOME airports. why the fuck not at all airports??

#6. this is the one i find most unsettling. letters and parcels and baggage that is stored below the plane is not checked. there could be bombs. its that simple. if the terrorists didnt know it before, all it took was watching oprah today to find out. in the states you can check bags on five different flights, and never actually board any of the planes. the planes will still take off with those bags. in europe they check every bag against every passenger. if the passenger didnt board the plane everyone waits till all that person's bags are pulled off. why the fuck is that not implemented here? to me that is really crazy, and i cant believe one person in the world would complain about a delay for that reason. no way. they have the money to afford such things. they arent spending it.

#7. the flight attendants are saying that without air marshals on the planes it is THEM who are the air police. and they havent been trained in self defense at all. more than anyone they are aware of numbers 1-6 i listed above, and they are not happy about it. the head of the flight attendants commission or whatever was there. she said, plainly, without drama: the flight attendants are the public's best reporter from the air. if they don't feel safe, and they don't, its because it isn't safe. it is absolutely not safe to fly yet, and if you don't absolutely have to, you shouldnt.

well well well. i am writing this calmly. i dont feel the panic or fear rising in me like i did before i decided to hell with it, i'm going. after seeing this oprah i feel informed, and that flying, instead of being something scary to do, would be something stupid to do, in the face of more threats. i had no idea the planes were so vulnerable, nor that the FAA did know and yet did nothing. this was valuable information and i'm glad to have watched. it wasnt news sensalization or people with agendas. it was facts. they werent trying to make people feel better nor were they trying to scare anyone.

and so one again i am square one. i love pearl jam and it would break my heart to miss them. but i'm not sure if they qualify as a reason to get airborne at this time. knowing all this stuff, i'm not sure i feel comfortable knowing anybody will be flying for this event, or for anything else.

if i hadnt bought airline tickets i would have 600 dollars with which to rent a car and head out on the road as early as tomorrow. but i did buy airline tickets. making choices out of blind fear is silly, yes. but what about knowing all this stuff. please, when you read this write me and tell me. i want to stay safe, and i want all of you reading (many of whom will take to the skies shortly) to stay safe too. write me and tell me what you think now.

i dont especially feel like being online just now but i was just talking with anita on the phone and after she heard how my cold is progressing she asked: have you done your blog yet? and i said no. and she gave me shit saying i should really be in bed by midnight and nag nag nag and so on. so here i am. i can't have it get worse so i know she's right. sleep is the answer.


there's a lot to talk about tonight, and since i am sneezing and sniffling, its not really the best time. i guess its best to start with the good.

i spent the day today shopping for clothes with anita. what every unemployed girl should do. i wound up spending 140 dollars, and came out with a pair of jeans, a tshirt and a bra. yay! the bra is the best part of all. i should buy i new one like every three months, as mine tend to get a good workout. but i don't.

anyway, we shopped and talked and ate like champs. we were in and out of the good stores and in a good rhythm. it was fun. lots of fun. a good day. but i shopped myself to exhaustion. i tried on every pair of jeans in this city and wound up paying alot for the pair i did get only because i KNEW that they were the one good pair in existence right now. buying jeans should be easy. it is so not. its a fucking nightmare.

blah. difficulty breathing is no fun. my nostrils are so hypersensitive right now. they are mega aggravated by cigarette smoke and perfume of any kind, not to mention the fucking huge tar pouring me and anita walked by downtown. mmmm, fresh tar. is there no better time than at 2pm on friday in the heart of downtown to repave? i'm thinking monday might be a little tamer. those dumbasses.

anyway.

then i came home. vitamin c up the wazoo, tho its kind of too late. came online. hear about anthrax in an envelope in new york. if things escalate from there i really have to wonder if there will ever be peace again. or how much longer human life will go on. but that is too heavy for right now.

then i saw sheri. sheri has all but officially backed out of going to bridge and groundworks. i understand and respect her choice, she has to go with her heart. but from a personal standpoint of how it affects me: it changes everything. i don't want to say i am totally fucked, because that would be an exaggeration, but it pretty much tosses everything up in the air. sheri was the link between me and daniela, who ive never yet met, who is in both my hotel rooms. but i cant afford my hotel room with just two people, and i dont want to especially spend the bulk of my trip with someone i dont know, no matter how cool she turns out to be. argh. my head is too full of cold-caused-goop to think about this right now. if anyone can offer any suggestions, please let me know. i only have one week. thats a world of time i suppose. but at the same time, not.

wow deep. sorry. my writing tonight sucks. blame the stuffedness of my noggin.

anyway thats pretty much the gyst of the day. im sure there was alot more that needed to be said.

oh. i talked to my dad earlier about the trip. he said 'of course you're going...if i'm not worried, you shouldn't be worried'. i love my dad. he says stuff and it makes me feel better than what anyone else says, always. i remember he counselled me one day when i was freshly heartbroken:
me: i'm just sad daddy.
dad: stephanie, its like when we leave the stadium after a ball game.
me: it is??
dad: yes. how do we get home?
me: we take the subway.
dad: what happens if we miss the train?
me: we wait for the next one.
dad: right. there is ALWAYS a NEXT ONE.
i had been heartbroken and miserable and when he said that...it ceased. it went away. i smiled. there's always a next one. so if he isnt worried about me being on a plane, it means the world.

well..thats all i got. if you want to read a more interesting entry, i will steer you over to caryn, who is mighty steamed at a member of pearl jam who made a poor (and somewhat hypocritical) choice of words. his brother doesn't seem to mind the dot.com world, and tenclub.net is looking to broaden its horizons as well. what a goon he is. anyway, check it out and decide for yourself. i think he meant that hopefully people will appreciate being alive, with our family and friends and the outdoors. or that those who live to chase money will see that they are missing out on more important things. he should have said that. i forgive him tho. he is a bass player, not a spokesman...for obvious reasons. hey jeff: shh, honey. let your fingers on the phat strings do the talking, k?

i just sounded so awesomely patronizing! i was just kidding of course. i love hearing what the guys have to say. they err, car. they err.

unlike me: 30 years error free.

HA! says the unemployed girl who spent 140 dollars on clothes today. i never err.

anyway, enough. its way past midnight and anita will be pissed.

i want to put a song. i really do. but i dont have the energy to think of one that fits.

so just be careful. be fair. be sweet. sleep well.
one love, one heart...lets get together and feel all right. =)

m cameron with a first inning 2 run homer to lead the mariners to victory! thats what im talking bout. woooo! go mariners!! =)

point numero uno--i am blogging early tonight because i am feeling less than the best and i really can't afford to get sick right now. its never a good time, but i dont need fucked up ears when gonna be on airplanes. ouch.

point numero dos--there are bound to be mega typos tonight because when i was putting my newly laundered top sheet on my bed mac decided it would be a good play time, and promptly put a slice through the tender meaty top third of my middle finger on my right hand. so its band-aided and bulky. thanks mac.

i woke up with my head feeling all clunky on the inside, and with a very aggravated left nostril. it felt very sore up in sinusland on that side and i wasn't digging it. been popping vitamin c and echinacea with zinc all day. i didnt get any nausea from that pill, but another side effect was headache, and i think maybe thats what the final push was. its also turbo air conditioned at the gym and sweating in that envrionment combined with not enough sleep might be the culprit. regardless, need to kick the lurking cold in the ass.

the survivor party at anita's was cancelled. she is feeling blah, i was feeling blah, pam went back to ottawa and marni was a no-show. so we just called and gossiped at the commercials. woo! survivor is back. and i already hate and love some people. brandon: you are a whiny bitch. shut the fuck up.
tom: you are a racist redneck mofo. the guy's name is clarence, not c.b. clarence's last name is black. he told clarence if he had a gun he would shoot him and then tried to vote him off calling him c.b even tho thier tribe needs his strength to win challenges. tom has got to go. yee haw. i said i bet his luxury item was a klansman hood. j said that their tribe's best fire will be when the redneck hick burns the cross.
clarence: you should not have eaten the beans. but you have an incredible abdominal region, and so i forgive you.
ethan: you shore are purty. silas: you too. at least i think its silas. not sure.
the woman who got the boot was the one who should have. so far, so good.

the president spoke. i like him. so far i am still going to fly. i got two emails that really helped today, one a newspaper article that is super encouraging from caryn, and one a letter from a woman named suzanne (great leonard cohen song) who reads me that i have yet to meet. with her permission i am putting her email here:

hi steph : )

i live in manhattan with my husband (also a big pj fan) and my four year old
son. when the attacks occurred on september 11, i thought the last thing
i'd be doing this month would be going to bridge. i live about five miles
from ground zero and am lucky that my loved ones are all ok. however, lots
of friends and family lost many loved ones. too many memorials. the
firehouse my son and i pass everyday on the fifteen minute walk to his
preschool, lost nine men. it's heartbreaking. i didn't want to fly, leave
my son (even with my parents, whom he adores and take wonderful care of him),
and even hear pj. it just wasn't important. however, i never canceled our
plane tickets and hotel reservations. hmmmm. then, two weeks ago, i decided
i really wanted to go. i felt ok flying. it was my choice and my instincts.
my husband felt ok with it too. a friend was trying to get us tix, as all i
pulled were lawn, and at three months pregnant it would just be too
uncomfortable. especially with having to go to the bathroom so often. ; )
some people try to make me feel bad (not necessarily their intention). 'what
if you get stuck there? what about jack?' 'you're going *without* jack?'
and so on and so on and so on. too me, at this point, only my mom is allowed
to use the guilt. and being jewish, it's cultural and expected. ; )
actually, mom is ok with it right now. so, we are flying to bridge, to see
one show. oh yeah, there are those who say, 'you're going to fly to
california to see a concert? to see pearl jam?' but, those people never get
it. : ) they didn't get it when we saw five shows last tour either. to me,
there is no better reason to fly, than to see my favorite band.

i understand your feelings. being conflicted. that's so ok and so normal.
it's only been a month, and we don't know the future. if you are ok with
flying, then fly. if you feel different next week, then it is your choice to
change your plans. it's also ok to have mixed feelings and still go. it is
so hard when there is no definitive 'right' or 'wrong'. by your writing, you
seem to be a person who follows your instincts. go with them.

while i am at peace with flying, i also know the experience of going to the
airport, checking-in, and flying with be anxiety provoking and different. i
can't change that, and am trying to accept it. i wouldn't want jack with us.
i don't want him to feel any residual anxiety we may have or that will
definately be on the plane. children are such intuitive little beings and
all. : )

hope this was helpful and that you have a peaceful flight and a wonderful
time at bridge.

suzanne

i think that pretty much speaks for itself.

and nowhere is safer than anywhere else, on the ground or in the air. on the bus home from the gym some sketchy lookin dude was getting off, with his hand in his pocket. my paranoid imagination supplied the thought: he could have a detonator in there. he is getting off and then...

this is no way to live a life. death will come when it comes. in the meantime i need as much pearl jam as i can get. and i can't wait to get and give all those hugs either. i need to stop playing a victim when nothing has happened to me, and go more with the 'i will kick your ass if you try to fuck with me' attitude, with an additonal 'especially if its before i see the boys and my mom' tacked on for good measure. daniela, who i will be rooming with, posted to the newsgroup. she is on airplanes all week long. she said she is ready with the axe for anyone who tries to get near her cockpit. you go girl.

i got the money back from my prescription. i commenced to blow that money on hair dye and cat food. the add says l'oreal preference lasts 6 weeks without fading. to that i say: CROCKOLA. i dyed my hair blue black on the 10th of september (some things will be impossible to forget). that is four weeks ago to the day. i am seeing brown hair. worse, i am seeing grey hair. 6 weeks my ass. i bought cherry black this time. i hope i dont wind up with that pink halo over my mane. that would be bad.

and i am conversing with jess and drawing blanks. i wanna get this up and get to bed. noone i talk to online is into survivor so i don't have anyone to gossip with about it...except bowman! which isnt so great because he is three hours behind so i have to keep my big yap shut which isnt easy.

so yeah. its 11:15 and time to get horizontal. my nose is getting blocked, but only on that one side.

i know i should say something because its the one month anniversary of the attacks. what do you say in the face of 6000 or more deaths? we are all forever changed, and they will never be forgotten. they died at the hands of hate, but love was borne in the space they left behind. for them:

i've used hammers made out of wood, i have played games with pieces and rules, i undeciphered tricks at the bar
but now you're gone, i haven't figured out why

i've come up with riddles and jokes about war, i've figured out numbers and what they're for
i've understood feelings and i've understood words
but how could you be taken away?

and wherever you've gone, and wherever we might go...it don't seem fair...today just disappear.
your light's reflected now, reflected from afar
we were but stones; your light made us stars.

with heavy breath, awakened regrets
backpages and days alone that could have been spent together but we were miles apart
every inch between us becomes light years now
**no time to be void, or save up on life...oh, you gotta spend it all**

and wherever you've gone
and wherever we might go
it dont seem fair
we all want you here
your light's reflected now
reflecting from afar
we were but stones
your light made us stars.

and wherever you've gone, and wherever we might go
it don't seem fair, for days to disappear
your light's reflected now, reflectin from afar
we were but stones...your light made us stars.
goodbye...oh goodbye...goodbye, goodbye...i love you, goodbye.

pearl jam-light years-pinkpop 2000. it will break your heart to hear it, but if you have it put it on.

goodnight. pay attention. be careful out there. be kind. xo one love.

so my mood right now.

about an hour ago it became a post-child's-tantrum like pissed off mopeyness, but i'm not going into the reasons for it here. except for you anita (best friend's privilege): i couldn't do it. i just couldn't. too ICK. and so i got frustrated and started to cry out of disgust and shame and all these things that really made me feel 5 years old.

so i came online and asked for a joke. i got two from bowman:

whats the difference between an onion and a hippie?


nobody cries when you chop up a hippie. don't send him any hate mail, he was none too proud of the joke himself, even tho it did make me giggle a bit. then i got:

so these two cows are talking. one of them says 'so i'm pretty worried about mad cow disease.' and the other one says 'why should i care...i'm a camel.' that one had us both perplexed, but it made me laugh too.

i was talking to jess about clothing (go look at that sweater she is whining about in her journal and tell me it doesnt look like it has a built in lobster bib), the color orange and air travel and my hell-phone rang. it was rich, which was supercool. he was calling to talk away my fears of flying in nine days. stein had called me earlier saying 'i dont think you should go' which really frustrated me because what am i supposed to do. i AM going. don't tell me that.

i'm not trying to be defiant or prove anything to anyone. i just want to go see my band a bunch of times, and then see my mom. yes its a risk. but so is leaving the house every day. rich was saying i am wasting my time alive worrying about when i will die, when that is the only absolutely inevitable guarantee in life. i will die. so i am going to see my band before i do. they give me a joy that is unmatched, and i miss it and want it and am going. and that is final. please, support me in this. rich, thanks. sure, it was 20 minutes of mocking me and my nation and my nation's money, but i think there was some love in there fueling it. xo.

so between the jokes and rich and jess's silliness i am in a happier state of mind. thanks dudes and tourette.

some of you may note that i wrote jess's instead of my usual jess'. i distinctly remember learning in elementary school that when you show ownership of something to someone whose name ends in 's' you just tack on an apostrophe, and not an 's. like carlos' burrito or james' giant peach, as opposed to carlos's and james's. but today stephen king taught me to always always do it that way, no matter what i learned before. and so i will heed his lesson. i am still loving this book. in fact i am going to drop staci an email right now and tell her so.

speaking of staci she sent me a halloween party invitation, thinking i'd still be in vancouver for it. i won't. its quite the elaborate invite. west coast people sure love throwing parties. when i lived in san fran our social life completely revolved around them. and they all had themes. and people went all out. totally different on the east coast.

i ate alot of cereal today. oat bran is my new kick. and the milk company here just revamped their soy milk and the vanilla flavor is extra vanilla-y and totally addctive. i had more than one bowl. cereal rocks.

i went where every woman absolutely loves going earlier today: the GYNO!! woo! more fun that any rollercoaster ride. i am such a moron in the gyno office. first of all my doctor knows my whole family, well. he has been to bar mitzvahs and family gatherings and i never know what to call him. by his first name? doctor? whatever i say always feels goofy. and then during the exam i am a fucking laughing hyena. i get hysterical, like a numb-brained idiot. and its uncontrollable. it happens every time, and i can't stop it. its so embarrassing. laughing laughing laughing, like my brother at a funeral. phil always cracks jokes at funerals, and he is pretty sharp too, so they are usually funny. this is problematic because 9 times out of 10 he is standing next to yours truly and that is the one place you do not want to crack up. which makes cracking up all the easier.

anyway the doctor prescribed me one pill...do not worry i am fine. just one pill. one pill = $30!!! and this one pill has a fabulous side effect: extreme nausea. hooray! i might spend the whole night barfing. joy of joys. and i paid thirty bones to do so. which is why i love my natural healing book (my bible). natural remedies don't have nasty ass side effects. except none of the remedies did the job this time. oh well. i'll take it right before i go to bed and hopefully will be asleep for any incoming nauseation.

memory burn: this just jumped into my head. i am probably 21 or 22. i am outside peel pub after a smokey beer infested night inside. i have had one too many. it shows. i am not dealing well, but am managing to keep it together. bobby fucking blitt comes over to me and in his manic way starts describing a greasy pork sandwich being rubbed in a filthy ashtray. my stomach churns and i tell him to fuck off. its a cool night. in the end i don't throw up but man did he ever make it a close call. speaking of incoming nauseation.

at the pharmacy i found out that in 1997 quebec started this thing where its citizens get insurance for certain prescriptions, without having to be privately insured through work. i had no idea. so i paid for the pill and came home and called the number and found out that i am eligible for the insurance thing and will be refunded tomorrow. how most excellent. gotta love medicare. don't gotta love that i didnt know about it for the last 4 years tho and have probably wasted all kinds of cash on prescriptions of one kind or another. in the last four years i fucked my ankle badly after falling on ice in a parking lot and landing right on it, fucked my back by sliding on the wet floor in front of the dish pit at work and jamming it, and have had horrible flus every other winter, this last time it was a nasty bronchitis accompanied by a high fever. so there's been some medecine. but better late than never.

life lesson learned today: do not put your newly ripe bananas on top of the microwave, because when you ignore that they are there and use the microwave, the banana parts touching the microwave get all black and turn to shit, thus wasting 3 dollars worth of good banana eating. i suppose i could have saved them and made banana bread for the survivor party tomorrow night, but damn i didn't think of it till just now. fuck a duck.

i did a super easy step class tonight. it was a beginner's class and it was wayy slow. there were some people behind me who were having trouble getting a move down, and the teacher wasnt doing anything about it. i wanted to go over to their steps and do it with them, thats how my first teacher taught me, but this one wouldnt get off her special elevated platform. i should have anyway, but i thought it might show her disrespect, and i didnt want to potentially humiliate anyone...but thats all it would have taken. just a little hand holding. i love these classes. for me its like being in a dance company on some musical when everyone is moving together and the choreography is somewhat complex. fun stuff.

maybe if i got off my ass and wrote something other than this here blog i could write myself a part and then star and actually be on the stage! the last time i performed in such a way was probably at camp, as a counsellor. the last thing i remember was me anita and cari doing a lip synch to bohemian rhapsody in front of the whole camp, where we were supposed to slam dance around and anita body checked me and sent me across the fucking stage and almost off of it. we were laughing the whole time and i think the audience was too, but who cares cuz we were certainly entertained and that was the point.

these blogs sure are becoming reminiscing central. maybe its because without the restaurant gig i am interacting much less with people and the memories come back in place of the conversations im not having. or maybe not. maybe its because stephen king was autobiographical in the opening of hsi book and i am aping what i am reading, which he says every writer does. maybe i am scanning my past for material. who knows. just an observation.

i am jonesing for more journals to read. daily i read jess, alex, caryn and toby. but toby is away and i feel the void. i'd rather read someone i know...me and alex hunted for quality journalhood yesterday and came up really hurtin. i beg of you, its free and its so easy at blogger. PLEASE. help a girl out. come on, you know you want to.

anyway thats enough of/from me for one night. i'm gonna have to pull a jess/toby one of these days and start printing my whole journal out to have a hard copy. soon soon.

ps--tomorrow is a big tv night. new survivor premieres. woo! watch it because for sure i will be going on about it here. watch it and start a blog and bitch about what a loser i am for loving such a lame show! also tomorrow on who wants to be a millionaire jack black is a contestant. i dont know if he makes it to the seat, but it will be worth watching on the chance that he does.

Isn't it strange
How we move our lives for another day
Like skipping a beat
What if a great wave should wash us all away
Just thinking out loud
Don't mean to dwell on this dying thing
But looking at blood
It's alive right now
Deep and sweet within
Pouring through our veins
Intoxicate moving wine to tears
Drinking it deep
Then an evening spent dancing
It's you and me
This love will open our world
From the dark side we can see a glow of something bright
There's much more than we see here
Don't burn the day away
Is this not enough
This blessed sip of life
Is it not enough
Staring down at the ground
Oh then complain and pray more from above
Greedy little pig
Stop just watch your world trickle away
Oh it's your problem now
It'll all be dead and gone in a few short years
Just love will open our eyes
Just love will put the hope in our minds
Much more than we could ever know
Don't burn the day away
Come sister my brother
Shake up your bones shake up your feet
I'm saying open up
And let the rain come pouring in
Wash out this tired notion
That the best is yet to come
But while you're dancing on the ground
Don't think of when you're gone
Love love what more is there
We need the light of love in here
Don't beat your head
Dry your eyes
Let the love in there
There are bad times
But that's ok
Just look for love in it
Don't burn the day away
Look
Here are we
On this starry night staring into space
And I must say
I feel as small as dust
Lying down here
What point could there be troubling
Head down wondering what will become of me
Why concern we cannot see
But no reason to abandon it
Time is short but that's all right
Maybe I'll go in the middle of the night
Take your hands from your eyes, my love
Everything must end some time
Don't burn the day away
Come sister my brother
Shake up your bones shake up your feet
I'm saying open up
And let the rain come flooding in
Wash out this tired notion
That the best is yet to come
But while you're dancing on the ground
Don't think of when you're gone
Love love what more is there
We need the light of love in here
Don't beat your head
Dry your eyes
Let the love in there
There are bad times
But that's ok
Just look for love in it

thank you dave matthews. eat drink and be merry. one love.

yo yo yo. the bitch is back.

me, i mean. here with the next entry.

so im gonna get this out of the way right away. i watched the fucking news. like many other cities, montreal had an anthrax scare today and evacuated 6 blocks. i didnt know of this till much later so tuned in at 11 to hear the full report. oh i got the full report. they showed some taliban dude on videotape. he was saying for every american who wants to live there is a young 'muslim' willing to die, and tacked that sentiment on to air travel in the united states. he looked like he meant business.

and then my dear friend pam reminded me how every plane hijacked on the 11th had a california destination. caryn reminded me that its only because they had the most fuel. on the comforting scale that reaches a 5. i emailed jess and propositioned her and her car. road trip! and jess i know you are reading this. you know you want to.

the feeling in my gut moves in waves. i hate hate the state of the world. not because it inconveniences my vacation/pearl jam plans. well, not only because of that. and that is enough about that.

today was mildly productive. i did a monster load of dishes and some general cleaning. once again i did NOT receive my much aniticpated package from el rico in vegas. i have learned it well: never ever send packages ground. ever. earlier in the year i sent sheri some of my favorite phish discs to burn so she wouldnt have to go spend a mint on stuff she might not dig. so off they went...forever, into the abyss. they never arrived. some mail dude somewhere is currently rocking out to hoist. the bastard.

i did a supposedly (ever notice how many people say supposIVEly? drives me bananas) advanced step class but the teacher sucked. her thighs looked like they might be able to crush walnuts but she can lead a step class for shit. and her music bit too. because i was dissatisfied when i finished that class i went a did an hour and 15 minutes of yoga to rinse away the bitterness. it worked. there was a hottie at the gym. blonde curls tied underneath a pink bandana....young and soft looking. h-o-t. until he started walking around with young miss perfect body. oh well. he was good eye candy for awhile. anyone who works out with their cell phone attached to their waist is obviously more in need of a mental workout anyway.

i got to do some good reading on the bus tonight, and that was probably the highlight of my day. stephen king...i love the guy. he was talking about his alcoholism and drug addiction, and as someone who read so many of his books its fascinating. the history of his state of mind during cujo, the shining, tommyknockers (the only book of his i hated and didnt finish) and misery was so cool. but i don't want to elaborate and ruin it for anyone who hopefully will also read this great book, on writing.
now he's getting into the specifics of steps to good writing. i am all ears.

i need to submit to magazines again. i need to propose newspaper columns. i need to write more reviews for reviewguys. and i need to write something other than this blog. not that i dont love writing this blog, i very much do. which just goes to show how i should write more stuff too. didnt i start a book not so long ago? life is short. i better write now. right now. write now.

not that i am addicted to her show, but today rosie odonnell said that canadians, when they speak, leave out the word 'the'. she said we say 'he needed to go to hospital'. which is absolutely the stupidest wrongest thing i have ever heard canadian speech accused of. i don't say aboot, i don't say hooose, and i dont say 'i had to go to hospital'. d-u-m-b.

so baseball. its playoff time. obviously no expos anywhere near any of that action, tho cabrera best be winning that gold glove for shortstop, as his season was glorious. the contending teams are as follows:
the atlanta braves--we are very against them. they are from the expos division. and if its not the expos, it sure as hell won't be anyone else from the division. fuck no.
the arizona diamondbacks--we like them because randy johnson is killer, and a former expo. i saw him pitch in 2000, and he makes it look so easy. like he could read a paperback while burning them perfectly home. incredible. but we dont want them to win.
the houston astros--we like them because moises alou is on the team, former expo, son of former expo manager felipe alou.
the st louis cardinals--yuck. if it has to be a national league team, we want arizona or houston.
the new york yankees--now i have a soft spot for all things new york, but under no circumstances can they win the world series.
the cleveland indians--absolutely not. cleveland. someone from my last job had that as a last name and she was miserable.
the oakland a's--this is tough because my friend brian is diehard for them and i supported them all year as the underdog, and they pulled it off. but if they win that means.. that
the seattle mariners--won't. and we can't have that because this is who we want to win the most. first of all, their record for the year was outstanding. second of all, hello! its seattle! third, they have a player named mike cameron. m cameron. m cameron of seattle. anyone not seeing the mega beauty of that needs to buy an album called binaural. and superunknown. and badmotorfinger. i realllllly want seattle to take it. i dont think they ever have before.

rumors are abounding about seattle potential play off games when i will be in that city, if they make it that far! wow. to be at a playoff game...as if i'd get a ticket. but its nice to dream.

anyway. in this time of tumult i shall end with a song which i will never tire of, which sings of innocence and the american way.

take me out to the ball game
take me out to the crowd
buy me some peanuts and crackerjack (which they dont even sell at the big o anymore)
i dont care if i never get back
cuz its root root root for the home team
if they dont win its a shame
cuz its one, two, three strikes you're out at the old ball game!

yay!!! just singing and typing it makes me feel all happy inside. my birth certificate may say 30 but don't we all know better?
gnight all. one love.

Blogger is down and I’m left to type this in word. This is no good because word annoyingly adds capitals to words where I don’t want them. Apostrophes too. Fucking word.

Today was gorgeous, but freaking cold. Appropriate for the one year anniversary for my last show of pearl jam’s 2000 tour, where I froze my fucking ass off in wisconsin. And like last year, I spent a great portion of time freezing outdoors, watching an event. Today’s paled pathetically in comparison. I went to my first ever cfl game. And I’ll tell you something about football:

Its not baseball.

Translation: I didn’t love it. the alouettes bit it and the game was a boring series of hand offs and 3rd down kicks. And did I mention it was freezing? Something else I learned today:

Converse are not good shoes in cold weather.

This could be an important lesson for bridge school.

By halftime the little part of nose we have between our nostrils was totally sore from me wiping at it with my wool glove/mitts. I just rubbed it now. Its still a bit tender.

Alpine valley, wisconsin. There was much debate about whether or not we would go to this show. I wanted to because of the venue. Alpine valley is infamous in grateful dead circles. The fucking arctic temperatures were impossible to predict. Had I known then what I know now…I mean, it was a good show…bittersweet, since I knew it was my last for a long while. So I rocked out and gave it my all, and got verklempt during given to fly and was frozen and sweaty and begging for pneumonia. Bought the black pj tube socks which are now wristbands. When ed broke out the harmonica me and joe looked at each other…I was going to get a final farewell footsteps. And then dumb stone and jeff had to go switch places. No footsteps after all. Smile. Was still nice. And then they played rearview. And left the stage.

So of course we thought…ok here come the encores. So we waited.

And waited.

And waited.

But they didn’t come back. They ended my last show of the tour with rearviewmirror. It felt unnatural. I wanted more. It was too abrupt, a harsh and severe ending. I wasn’t ready for it. I was upset. I would have killed for a ledbetter. For an anything really.

And now, when I listen to the show on cd when rearviewmirror ends I still expect another song to follow. Oh well. I wont ever forget it.

Walking out of the show I had a blanket wrapped completely around my head. There is a picture of that somewhere but I don’t have it. when one is that cold it is impossible to care about how you look.

We got lost on the way out of there. We were on the longest, straightest, darkest stretch of road for the longest time. And then THUMP. We hit something. Eventually we turned around to go check it out, it was a racoon. But it was impossible to tell which was the one we hit because there must have been 50 of them on the sides of the road there. We were sad. I think we said a goodbye prayer for it. we were also exhausted. We took a nap in the parking lot of a mcdonalds off the highway in god-knows-where, frozen solid, and I woke up needing to pee. Its strange the things you remember.

I bought groceries to last till the 19th, I hope. Speaking of having to pee, my bladder was on the verge of explosion so I had to use the nasty disgusting bathroom the employees use, behind those magic doors that say ‘employees only’. I don’t know what the H-3-0 (as joe would refer to random unidentified liquids on the streets of new york) was on the floor there, and I don’t want to know. But I felt dirty. Enough about that.

Today my dad was working the guilt about me taking a trip while unemployed. Hey, I saved all fucking summer and missed out on cool activities for this. I had my reservations made before I lost my job. The wheels were in motion, and its not like I will be flat broke when I get back. I didn’t like it. I get the feeling he and my mom are dissing me behind my back about this. parents. How do some of you folks still live at home??

Its difficult to write with any flow when I keep checking to see if blogger is up every five seconds. Its not.

I am also playing the go between between lauren and bowman who are figuring out that they know each other. Random. I love the small and bigness of the pearl jam community.

Speaking of bowman, he pointed me to something that might wind up being a mega savior for me, she who has yet to frame any of her tour 2000 posters. More than a year later. From the newest five horizons update:

Finally, what we like to do is get our posters mounted with the clear corners mentioned above on a foam-core backing (that's slightly larger than the poster, to protect the edges - yu want a 1-1 ½ inch border on all four sides) and then have the whole thing shrinkwrapped. We're lucky in that there's a rock poster store in Seattle who does this for about $5 a poster, but there are other commercial framing stores that do this as well - it doesn't hurt to ask. Even if they don't usually offer it, they may do it if you ask. This is referred to as "museum mounting" by some stores. It's much cheaper than framing, it still allows you to hang your posters and enjoy them; they are completely protected from dust, dirt and humidity.

If I can find a place to do that, I owe both caryn and bowman…something cheap. Hey, I’m unemployed. =)

Which reminds me. At the start of the football game the teams huddle around into a big group and all do these little jumps together while psyching themselves up to kick ass. And I thought: its so fun to be part of a team. And then I thought: I wish I had a team. And then I thought: I DO have a team. I am on team pearl jam. Woo! If you don’t have a team, get one. Even if it’s a geeky nerdy one like mine. cool likeminded people (i am on blogger now, no more damned capitals! yay! but no fucking way im going thru all this and taking them out.) who get it to some degree and support your cause. nice.

of course being on team pearl jam also allows me the best music out there, period, but thats not what im talkin bout here.

anyway, somehow its become 2 in the morning.
my highlights of the day:
-the sopranos. i enjoy the hell out of watching this show. its not like tv.
-hearing concretely that i will have a pavillion ticket for sunday at bridge! yay!
-getting that phone message from eddie vedder. that was pretty cool. oh, didnt i mention it earlier?
-ok since that last one was clearly bogus, the hot chocolate i had at dunkin donuts with the coconut donut was pretty good.

my lowlights of the day:
-feeling paranoid in a big crowd at the game, because of the state of the world and attacks etc. the sunshine took care of that quickly tho.
-being cold. sucks. even if it did make me reminisce alot about last year at this time. today was hawaii comparatively, seriously.
-dealing with whatever that is on the tip of the finger next to my thumb on my left hand. the skin is all peely and its sensitive and feels gross. joy.
-not being able to find out why the damned wool hat i love so much leaves these tiny black sandy things on my scalp whenever i wear it. no its not a toque, just cuz i am canadian does not make every hat a toque. (pronounced two-k).

and that is pretty much the gyst, yo. fuck, where did the hiccups come from?

tonight, in honor of lauren and her girls, courtesy of team pearl jam captains pearl jam...a lullaby to end on:

i am wishing you well
mind at peace within yourself
covers up, i cast you off
i'll be watching as you breathe
i lie still, you move, i send you off around the bend

i hold your head deep in my arms
my fingertips they close your eyes
off you dream my little child
there's a sun around the bend
there's a sun around the bend

all the evenings close like this
all these moments that i've missed
please forgive me won't you dear
please forgive and let me share with you around the bend

you're an angel when you sleep
how i want your soul to keep on and on around the bend

i hope ed's right. i hope there is a sun around the bend. i'm off to find out. peace and one love.

what a crazy day. it was in the air.

i dragged my sorry 5 hour sleep ass out of bed and got ready for power yoga at the fancy gym. i got there still 1/3rd asleep and proceeded to do the most difficult yoga class i've ever done. i wonder if its cuz i was so tired, or because i have worked out 7 days in a row now without a day off and my body was like FUCK YOU BITCH, or if its just because it really was that hard. anyway i was sweating like a fiend. and without a yoga mat on a concrete slippery floor sweaty feet and holding positions were not a good combo.

when i was done i called jeff, and actually spoke to him for the first time in two weeks. any inkling of anger i had pretty much evaporated when i heard him say 'hey!' when he heard it was me on the phone, all happy like. so he didnt call me for two weeks. turns out he hasnt had a day off since i saw him last and is sick and exhausted and not loving life. poor guy.

he told me he was watching the bombings on tv.
me: bombings?

and that was the first i heard of it. we drove to pick up football tickets from my cousin's and on the car radio we listened to the details of what had happened at that point today. and it was raining a bit. and then it was hailing. alot. big pellets of ice pelting off the car, attacking us...it felt surreal. it made me laugh and gave me chills.

it was cloudy today. also sunny. also freezing. also rainy. also hail, hail. and the piece du resistance: there was snow. which seemed to excite everyone i told about it, but not me. blechy wet big flakes of snow. its too soon.

as for the bombings, and the bridge shows, and the state of mind i have on it...it all feels like its on pause. like there is another shoe that has to drop. i dont want to say 'waiting to exhale' but there, i just did. we all knew it was coming but seemed unexpected nonetheless. cnn ran the byline: next attack on US will be chem/bio/nuclear, not like 9/11. they thought it would be appropriate to follow that up with: emmy award show cancelled. that just makes me shake my head. those total callous morons.

i am listening to some sloan to lighten the mood. underwhelmed. ha. the opposite of how everyone feels about this. irony!
sloan. who are playing on october 21st here at home. oh well. i haven't missed them live very often in the last 5 years. bummer. i love them, their harmony, their sick talent that is outweighed by their awesome sense of humor. they make me feel like i'm permanently 15.

the day was not overly eventful apart from what i mention above. because of the lack of sleep and over exertion in yoga i been pooped all day. talked with caryn and jess and rich and ryan and tony and will and washo and jared online. most of em made me laugh. talked with jeff, anita, pamstein, billy and mom on the phone.

crap. i forgot to find someone to go to football with. man. its not like i had all day to do it or anything. ha, what an idjit. i've never been to a cfl game, but at camp we used to play according to those rules. and we got damned into it too. and we were pretty good. i played running back one year and won most valuable player. that was in 1984. i think i scored 4 touchdowns in that game. i remember it being exhilarating. the last year we went to camp i was quarterback. we won, and were the underdogs (cough*screwyouanita*cough). god i miss being at camp. it was the best. so i think i will like seeing it. but it'll probably just make me wish i was on the field with them. well maybe not with THEM. maybe i should write about this after the fact when i actually know what im talking about.

i am freezing in here. why am i wearing a tshirt and shorts? my nose is running and coldy feeling. i'll give myself the flu or something. i'm gonna go get cozy under the duvet. enough glaring white screen for one night.

sorry, i'm just none too inspired at the momento. thats probably pretty apparent. besides, tonight's soprano's is burning a hole in my vcr. hopefully not literally. that would suck.

neil diamond's name came up just a while ago. so of course love on the rocks is pouring through the headphones. i so love this song but i dont think it will afford me an appropriate quote for the day. i dont know if there is one that fits really, its such a weird crazy day.

ha. now i'm listening to hall and oates...you make my dreams come true. one of those songs that just instantly makes me happy, no matter how cheesy it is. like modern love by david bowie, or promises, promises and always something there to remind me by naked eyes. ah, the 80s.

now three is the magic number as performed by blind melon. i am getting happy.
what am i? a member of the fucking partridge family alluvasudden?

from the mighty jack irons:
I need a song to help along
When it feels wrong it seems so long
To get to the light
We live in homes talk on phones
Hear the tones can you hold
Moving fast as light TV's on at night
Does peace come out of fighting
Can truths come out of lying
I'm happy when I'm crying
If reality is what I see newspapers mag-azines TV
Tell's what's going on leading us along
It's not absurd to all get heard
Put our feelings into words
You have to reach inside no feelings to hide
Does peace from out of fighting
Can truth come out of lying
I'm happy when I'm crying
Bring children into the world
We couldn't have done it by ourselves
Stop and wonder why
There's more than meets the eye
Somewhere inside I did believe
I can't belong I was wrong
I have gained insight
I will see the light
Truth isn't lying
Peace isn't fighting
Love isn't dying

hold on to the thread. sleep tight.

yo.

i am becoming stressed out about the trip west. tension is mounting in the middle east, shit is going to go down. i get on an airplane in 12 days. to fly to the states. not that i think canada is a haven, because i don't. but at least here i'm at home.

so i can live the rest of my life at home and not go anywhere or do the things i love.

i called my mom before. i asked her if she thinks i am crazy. she said yes, but she thought so on september 10th too. she said she is my mother and i am her kid and to not ask her that because she can't be objective. she said its a concert, and its your life. but then she said the chances are higher of being struck by lighting than of having something evil go down, and that i would be fine. i told her how some people are ready for this trip and totally fear free. she said they are the ones who should go. scared people are going to terrorize themselves. *sigh*.

as the tension mounts in the middle east so is it mounting in me. if i had a car, i would be driving out there, period. i have the time and i dont care about the money. i wonder if this tension and stress would be mounting in me had september 11th been a normal day. probably to a fractional degree. the world changed in two hours that day. i have 12 days to see what happens.

i hate the indecision in me. i hate that i am scared. i hate that while i think the only way to take down the taliban by force i also know it will beget more attacks on home ground. they are just waiting for the go command, of that i am sure. nice fucking world. i hate that i cant just relax and enjoy my band and visit my mom and have a swell time. i am grateful to not have children at a time like this. how do you explain any of this? how do you feel you can protect them when you are more aware than ever how vulnerable we all are?

switch time. happier topics. here's a favorite: food.
went to dinner on prince arthur street for billy's birthday. there weren't exactly 85 people there, and only 3 that i knew, billy included. but it was totally fun nonetheless and i am so so stuffed. they brought out these huge trays of appetizers: yummy black olives, tomato, tzatziki, spanakopita, feta...i was in heaven. and then trays of calamari...oh how i miss calamari. but even if i werent vegetarian i couldnt eat it...i'm allergic. but the smell of it..yum. which goes to prove the time tested theory: deep fry it, and its good. i would eat a deep fried rock.

after that i was full but that was only the starter. then we had salad. and potatoes. and rice. and more spanakopita which i shared with lina along with a veggie brochette. we were painfully stuffed. it was great. my fridge is now empty so i was workin on getting three meals in there at once. of course there was wine as well, which eric totally treated me to, so sweet, and not at all a come on what with him being gay and all. wonderful. and the coffee at the end..that was the best.

ask me at 5 am when i am still awake if i still think that coffee was the best.

i got a bit hussied up. black camisole with black sweater over it. checkery skirt with retro lookin heels (yes, heels) that kill my right big toe, but its better to look good...jess i know you'll back me there. hair done. mascara. red lipstick which was bright enough to definitely merit hussie-dom. felt good. caryn, thanks for the pep talk, this had much to do with getting dressed to the nines. or at least the sevens. i felt good. i looked good, too. =)

it was so fun with lina and eric. i miss my ex co workers. she calls me 'miss stephanie'. she is in the circus, teaching trapeze, which she calls 'flying'. she wants to teach me, $35 for two hours. i dunno...me and heights are like me and flying. but i would do it. lina will be cat sitting while i am on my trip. assuming i am on my trip. i will be on my trip. argh, next topic.

i went and did that turbo awesome step class in the afternoon. it totally rocked. fancy choreography and fast paced and fun. unfortunately my dad was on a treadmill upstairs, overlooking the gym where the class was going to be. i was sitting on my step waiting for it to start and my dad yells down 'want me to come lead the class?' HA. you really need a visual for the full stupidity and funniness of that comment. after two more minutes of waiting he yells down 'stephanie...are you tired yet? don't work so hard.' because i was sitting on my step just waiting. i find him so funny, and he loves to embarrass me. noone can do it like my dad.

when i was 18 i was in peel pub with my friends. there were many of us. we were at a big table at the back of the brightly lit bar, swilling in alcohol. i had 5 vodka shots lined up in front of me, and there was much beer in all of us. ah, the good old days. anyway suddenly michael rogic says: steph, isnt that your dad? time stopped. when you are 18 and out in a bar with your friends you want to hear: steph, isnt that matt dillon? not steph isnt that your dad. trust me. i turned around and there he was, wicked look on his face, clearly seeking me out. i got up and pulled him over, not wanting to delay the torture.

it should be cleared up: my dad is the life of the party. a joke teller extraordinaire. just so naturally funny. then he liked to smoke and drink. now the smoking is gone.

anyway he comes over to the table and pretends to be upset that we are drinking. my friends are loving it. i am wanting to be under the table. i love my dad and was not ashamed, but as i said, noone embarrasses me quite like him. he says: stephanie thats not how you do shots, this is how you do a shot. he took one of my vodka shots and put it to his mouth, letting go of it there. he did the shot hands free, just knocking his head back. and then he was ready to leave. my friends wanted him to stay but he had people waiting for him upstairs. turns out he had seen jeffrey's car outside and knew it was our hangout. he told the bouncer 'just let me in i have to embarrass my daughter.' all in all its a cherished memory.

he was chatty in the car today. i love that. driving home through my neighborhood he was pointing out things and telling me what they were when he was a boy living in this area. it was the first jewish neighborhood in montreal. it has since moved, and moved again. french schools that were former synagogues where my dad and sammy would sneak in for dancing to eat free and hav e some drinks. they were about 14. people would ask who they were with and they would say 'the bride's side' or 'the groom's side'. he showed me where he had his bar mitzvah, which is just up the street that i live on now. trippy. he is full of amazing stories about this city. i need to document.

anyway. i need to calm down about the flying and being away thing. i am getting very worked up. i need to watch some more planes in the sky...planes that take offf and land without a hitch. thousands of them a day. and it will be very very good to see my mommy.
when i called her she was eating crackers with melted jalapeno tofu on them. we are definitely related.

tonight john popper and blues traveler will play us out. i listened to 'four' earlier. love runaround and hook.

from 100 years:

Sit at the pier watch the sun go down
Another lost little boy in a big old town
I want to laugh I want to cry
But no matter how hard I may try

It won't mean a thing in a hundred years
No, it won't mean a thing in a hundred years

i'm sorry to bombard you with blues traveler, but there are two songs here i am finding strength in, and i love both of them, and so i will reprint them both in full below. one love y'all. and i mean that. one blood.

Just Wait
Music & Lyrics: John Popper

If ever you are feeling like you're tired
And all your uphill struggles leave you headed downhill
If you realize your wildest dreams can hurt you
And your appetite for pain has drinken its fill

I ask of you a very simple question
Did you think for one minute that you are alone
And is your suffering a privilege you share only
Or did you think that everybody else feels completely at home

Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come

If you think I've given up on you you're crazy
And if you think I don't love you well then you're just wrong
In time you just might take to feeling better
Time is the beauty of the road being long

I know that now you feel no consolation
But maybe if I told you and informed you out loud
I say this without fear of hesitation
I can honestly tell you that you make me proud

Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come
Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come

If anything I might have just said has helped you
If anything I might have just said helped you just carry on
Your rise uphill may no longer seem a struggle
And your appetite for pain may all but be gone

I hope for you and cannot stop at hoping
Until that smile has once again returned to your face
There's no such thing as a failure who keeps trying
Coasting to the bottom is the only disgrace

Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come
Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come
Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come

© 1994 Blues Traveler Publishing Corporation

ok, just a verse from stand. same album as above:

The answers are getting harder and harder
And there ain't no way to bargain or to barter
But if you've got the angst or the ardor
You might faint from the fight but you're gonna find it
***For every challenge could have paradise behind it***
And if you accept what you have lost and you stand tall
You might just get it back and you can get it all

i needed that. good night.