habit

to quote dave at bridge: I DID IT!!

7 take offs. 7 landings. 7 days. i was sure i wouldnt be around to talk about it. shows what i know (nothing).

i am fucking exhausted. there is lots to talk about but not now. i'm just too needing to be horizontal. i'm so glad its the weekend, i can slack about and get my house in order and catch up online and sleep and be lazy. the hunt for work/potential co-dweller wont have to start till monday.

i had 60 new emails when i came home. i would venture that 45 of them were immediate deletes. at least.

the first flight out was the worse. my palms sweat fiercely and tears ran down my face as the plane reached its cruising altitude. nothing was as bad after that. but tonight when the plane touched down i was surprised to find that the tears came again...this time of relief...and maybe some for the victims of 9/11...nothing is the same. i was glad to be home. i love my city.

shows rocked. vancouver was awesome. facing my fears was challenging, exciting and ultimately a triumph.

but i was up at 5:10 this morning after a short sleep and have been on the move and awake ever since. three planes today. the first day since i can remember where i saw both my parents on the same day.

basically i gotta sleep. i can barely string this shite together. so why did i bother?

oh yeah. cuz i'm an internet junkie. right. almost forgot.

glad to be back.

xoxooxoxoxo

uno amore.

greetings and salutations party people. i have found my way to a computer.

current global placement: vancouver, british columbia. cyber-cafe which is not at all a cafe since i couldnt get a coffee if i begged and pleaded. no shortage of chinese import foods though.

i slept 12 hours last night. i fell asleep watching some movie, and woke up in another room at my mom's awesome apartment when miss jess called me to tell me she was safely home. i sounded beyond shitty, as though the night before i had sung back to back opera's. that much sleep after practically none at all will do that to you.

so much to say. i will start with my latest experience: calling united to check out the whole buddy pass thing for my flight back to seattle on friday. i spoke to some dude named mike. he sounded gay, and he sounded fat, but that is neither here nor there. these are some things mike said to me:

1) you have no manners and were obviously poorly bred.
2) maybe you should just get your own airplane.
3) you are acting like you own the airline.
4) give me the name of the person who got you this pass so i can get them fired.

i promise you i was nothing but pleasant with mike and showed nary a drip of my potential attitudiness. i asked him if he was having a bad day. he said yes. i said well thats not my fault. he said 'no, its the fault of whoever bred you'. i said 'i'd like to speak with someone else'. he said 'then you can hang up and call back'.

i am not making this up. i called and was friendly and nice. i am a customer service related worker, and treat other such folks nicely. what a fuckstick. i called to complain to a supervisor who did apologize but without his last name nothing could be done. you'd think united might want to be nice to the people on their planes right about now.

all that worrying i did about flying. my flights so far have been good. the scariest part is doing it alone. the flight from st paul to san jose i sat next to a girl named donita (so close to anita...no coincidence im sure), a fellow aquarian. we talked and laughed the whole flight. it made doing it easy. rich said 'you get on and you sit'. he was right. i still get sweaty palmed and would rather be on the ground, and have three semi daunting flights ahead. but the pj wristbands help, and i am getting better at it. yay me.

i spent the day today shopping with my mom. got:
-a winter coat, very almost famousy...that would have cost double in montreal for sure.
-a rain coat, that was really cool looking...blue and it looks like it has paint splattered on it. it was 45 though, so i wasnt sure. then the salesperson told me it was 19.99. sold.
-a new bag, burgundy with beige stripes that was 13 dollars. really cool.
and most importantly:
-A NEW BAG! fuck man, my bag reeked. i sprayed it with febreeze before leaving in case it still had a cat pee smell to it the way it had a while back before mac was fixed and peed on it. the febreeze worked so it was good to go.

the febreeze wore off.

each day that bag reeked more and more. its a good thing daniela doesnt have a journal...it saves me much embarrassment. by the time i was in seattle it had to be locked in the closet. it was fucking gross. hopefully alex and jess won't feel the need to mention it.

and that pretty much wraps this up for now. i dont want to stay in this place very long or leave my mom waiting for my return. her place is so chill. fireplace. two siamese cats. lots of neat stuff everywhere. great little fenced in yard. its been good so far. i definitely know where i learned how to interrupt as well as i do though.

i know i should write about shows and people. i will. let me just say this:

no matter what it takes to get there, or what else goes on during that day...when the lights go down and pearl jam takes the stage there is NOWHERE else i belong. i close my eyes and swim in the music and its just *right*. the highlights:
saturday bridge: crazy mary. no better version of this song exists or likely ever will. better than the studio and i never thought id say that. worth every flight, just in that.
sunday bridge: lowlight. woo!
i was sorry to have not heard given to fly and light years. i wanted them. i needed them. i ached for them.
and then:
groundworks: given to fly was followed with light years. it was glorious. i was euphoric. and they ended the set with long road. this is absolutely where long road belongs. it is a final sentiment song, not an opening sentiment song. i cant believe they never did it sooner. and the band was joined by a pakistani chanter named nusrat something or other...and i was completely absorbed by this rendition of the song. it was played very slowly and was incredibly moving. after the chanting was finished and the song was still pouring forth ed and nusrat embraced. there was much embracing over the weekend, most of it intense. everybody is living hard and loving hard. ed and nusrat held each other, swaying to the music, ed's face tucked into nusrat's neck. i mean, this man flew in from pakistan despite the political situation. it was heavy. it was gorgeous.

it was beautiful to have been part of these shows. there was alot of stress before and after the shows, and everyone was exhausted and crabby and some situations were hard to take and i learned alot. pearl jam fans are super cool but some of them are not easy to be around for long periods of time, or even short periods of time. people are not always as they seem on the internet. it was a learning experience. and when the music played it all melted away.

jess...you rock. i dont remember ever feeling so absolutely related to someone. i'm not sure if thats a curse or a blessing for you. =)
alex: you rock. you are like a zen master of calmness at all times. human herbal tea. who would have guessed such a billy idol fan? =)
jasonkirk: you are the shit. if i could make you my child i absolutely would. kirk rules. you so sexy eddie veddah. =)
caryn: you are family. i can't explain why every time i see you i feel love brew in me. but i really do.
daniela: ten billion thank yous. and one pair of nose plugs. =)

i developed my film. 7 pictures turned out. two are of the glorious bathroom in the avante hotel. one is of my mom. one is of nicholas, the adorable three year old on the plane to seattle that was 2/3 pearl jam fans who brandon from memphis called 'little pimp' and taught to do the 'rock' symbol with his hand (pinky and finger next to thumb up, all else down) that came out too dark. one is an awesome one of jasonkirk that i love. one of them is half of the absolute hottie who i shamelessly photographed who was in front of me at bridge one. one i cant remember. none have me, jess, rich, daniela, alex or pearl jam in them. NOT happy.

one last thing...the finales at the bridge shows were total magic. even tho it was repeated the second night it was no less....deep and heavy and cool. neil young is the definition of cool. he and crazy horse played imagine...but he didnt sing. instead, the lyrics came up on the screens and the whole crowd sang. we all sang this prayer for the world together and i am being covered in goosebumps right now just recalling it. it was definitely among the most intense and beautiful moments of my life. thank you neil.

and one other last thing...the first bridge show i was among the first few people to get in. i wasnt in any rush because i wasnt lawn, but i was with people who were. so when i walked in there werent people everywhere, it was pretty empty and spacious and i felt nearly alone on the grounds. alex was with me. music was playing. i couldnt believe what song it was, it was a cosmic coincidence or karmic sign. it was:

one love.

xo