habit

welcome to an all new episode of bloopers. there was one moment that was a culmination of events today where throwing myself from the balcony would have been more pleasurable. i had to laugh. actually...mac is lucky i didn't toss him over.

see, i was workin on my puzzle, see....and i made mega progress. all the figures were done and i just had to fill in the dead zones around them, which is gonna be a bitch because its all shades of yellow basically. but still, i was admiring my handiwork. then mac jumped up and decided to sniff around, and sniffing is merely a prelude to chewing, so i scooped him up. he didn't like that, so i wrestled him a bit just to show him what being annoyed is about.

so he made a jump for it, and landed right on the puzzle. which, as i stated in previous entries, i have been doing on a giant window screen. a window screen, that when an eleven pound cat lands on it, acts as a trampoline or springboard, and bends in. bending in, which causes the delicate puzzle on its surface to fold over onto itself, like a fucking omelette. if i didnt watch it happen in front of me i wouldn't have believed it. all my hard work, in one second....destroyed. well, not destroyed, but seriously scrambled and fucked up. i don't remember my initial reaction, but i imagine my jaw was hanging open and a parade of swear words and hatred aimed at the cat probably marched forth in full color. i got up and walked around it, not knowing where to begin, because any time i touched it to fold it back it would crumble in on itself.

so i sat back down. and heard a riiiiiiiiiippppp. thats right. to make the moment perfect my birthday pink flannel pajamas ripped right along the ass seam, and now is not when i need built in air conditioning. the bastards didn't even make it one year (true i wash them weekly, but so much for quality). again i was incredulous. i must have looked totally surprised because this was over the top.

whats funny is that about an hour before i had trotted to the store, wearing my pjs under my big cozy thing, and as i crossed the street i swept my hand across my butt just in case a hole had grown there that i had forgotten about or didnt know about. there wasn't one. well, there's one now, thats for fucking sure. the size of...a big freakin hole. if it was a scene in a movie i imagine i would roll my eyes watching it thinking 'yeah, right, shit like that never happens, so stupid'. yeah well i should know better. does this happen to other people??

so i am home alone on friday night, much like the week prior to this. i am very aware of my total lack of social life. i have friends in practically every city, including my own, but i am a homebody. a hermit. an unwilling recluse. but when you have no money to play with...its best not to go out into the playground. and i'm not even complaining. i find that apart from money stress i am pretty content. i guess the expos writing campaign and the job applications were somewhat satisfying. and there is some good tv out there that i dig, and its a quiet mellow existence. i just wish i had yoga. i have to really do something about that. and the job thing.

i caught myself saying today how what i need to do is just write a kickass column or story or book and push push push it (push it real good). i have said this how many times? and i know its the truth, ruth. but i have this built in lazy factor and i just don't. i trot up to the hurdle, see it, name it, and then turn and walk away. and i'm living on this track, so it will be there tomorrow. one day i will leap it, probably knockin it over a few times. maybe i even have already. but one day i will clear it. but its not today. what the fuck am i waiting for?

tonight on weakest link: that wenchy host asked 'what is the name of the lead singer for music group pearl jam?' woooo! how juvenile is it that i shout out 'eddie vedder!'? who cares, its so fun to. and the chick got it right. that question is a give-away already. why don't they ask for the name of one other member. just one. i wonder if most people could get it. at least she didn't say grunge.

18 glorious seconds of the singer of pearl jam covering the beatles 'you've got to hide your love away' is up at 5h right now. and resistance was futile, its not like its a leaked album or anything. it is SUHWEET. the way eddie sings the word 'say' is bliss. its orgasmariffic. go get it. merci cinq horizons, for the tasty tease.

i slept bad on my neck last night. i woke up at something oclock and had to put ben gay on it to get back to sleep. i had to put it on two other times today too. thank the stars for ben gay. as a result i stayed home from the gym. its a bitch, all along the right side of my neck and down into my shoulder. i didn't wannit getting worse. cue a chorus of: hey shit fer brains, stop sleeping on a couch older than you are. cue my reply of: screw off. =)

so that new kiefer sutherland show 24 started tonight. they have 24 episodes, and each is an hour in real time in a crazy day in this dude's crazy life, and it shows him at work and his family and stuff. it was pretty good, i think i will stick with it. but it had this scene of a bad guy on a plane. he screws someone in the bathroom, and then he offs a stewardess...sorry flight attendant, and then he parachutes from the plane as he blows it up. eesh. i'm not sure if that was what north america needed to see right about now. personally, i think they should have reworked it. its just not the same to see that kind of thing anymore. it doesn't feel like fiction. i bet they take some heat for it, too. not the good ben gay kind. but i think the show is strong, and will support em.

so. spades online? totally rocks. unless you have a partner who doesn't know whats up. i played two rounds, and the first was great, we cleaned up. but the second round was a little painful as my partner was amateur hour. anita was trying to get on from home so we could be partners, but her imac crashed on her twice. which goes to show pc over mac, baby. naw, the imac shore is purty. anyway i hope that sorts out because its totally fun and could only be better with someone with whom to be completely obnoxious. note to all you euchre playing losers: euchre is for goats. euchre is toronto, and spades is montreal. and if i have to point out that toronto sucks then you need more help than i thought. learn spades. there will be tour, and with it will be the need for me to play spades. so get with the program.

stein suggested to me today that i take up being an extra not for the cash but for the experience, the meeting people. interesting. too bad its freezing out and i don't want to be in that, waiting, hours on end, which i heard most of being an extra is. which reminds me, all those trailers are gone. i didnt even notice it earlier when i walked right by where they've been the last three days...i had to just get up and check. way to be aware of my surroundings.

why does gelatin have to be made of ground up cow bones? its so disgusting. something that makes cute stuff like jello and marshmallows shouldnt be so disgusting. its just wrong.

i will leave you with the depth of that comment. my nose is running and the cd's been on repeat for like 3 hours. its time.

no time to be void, or save up on life...you gotta spend it all.
xo
one love, the dream i see.

wow wow. i love survivor something fierce. me and anita are on the phone like crazies the second every commercial starts, ripping everything to shreds. even j in the background throws in his two cents. which are usually worth four. it was everything they said it would be. believe the hype! the motherfucker we hate most was booted!! woo! next week that skank lindsey (better be) and then woo! let the games really begin.

but survivor in all its glory wasn't the highlight of my day.

The Highlight Of My Day
by Stephanie Segal

My favorite part of today was when I was coming home from the gym. It had been raining, and the sun was just setting, so darkness was falling upon the land (the midnight hour was not close at hand). I decided to get off the bus at the stop that leaves me to walk through the park, just to get some fresh air. I had my walkman on, and was listening to Pearl Jam at Groundworks. The disc Jess sent me seems to cut out right as Ed and Nusrat chant together, but that is definitely NOT my favorite part of the day. As I was nearing where I exit the park, I skipped back to Given To Fly, which without question is my song. This version I think is my absolute favorite, apart from the first one I ever heard live, in Montreal 1998, and the one on Yield. This is where my favorite part comes in. Ahead of me I could see all these trailers as a tv show or movie is being filmed and they are all camped around where I live. But nobody was out and about, I was Alone. So I belted the song out. When I made my final turn onto the path out to the street, the lyrics "delivered him wings hey look at me now" came on so I spread my arms out, to be ready to fly and the path ahead and on either side of it was just absolutely and so prettily covered with yellow leaves, not quite piles, but more leaf than pavement or grass, and i walked..no...soared over it, arms wide, crisp air, singing "arms wide open with the sea as his floor" and if there is any emptiness or disappointment in my life (and there is) it was light years away and in another galaxy from me and everything was just perfect and I didn't care if that guy on the bike heard me singing or if I looked like an escapee from the Douglas. Because that was my favorite moment of the day.

the progress i made on my puzzle really pales in comparison to that. i feel inner soarings just reliving it here. which is why i love my damn blog. habit, you are so beautiful to me. you're everything i hoped for, you're everything to me....HEY, what are YOU doing here?? this is between a girl and her blog. damn, i can't get no privacy.

um, so yeah, about the douglas....

the douglas is what i used to call the mental institute around here, but i realize now thats none too politically correct. and i know how many politicians are reading, so i don't want to offend. but i'll just leave it as that cuz you all know what i mean and lets not dwell on it any longer.

speaking of eddie vedder i pulled up the lyrics to gimme some truth while i was listening to the band playing it. it seems ed will have more trouble with this one than he does with wishlist, so if you speak to ed please pass this on to him: dude, think: lyric sheet, just for this one. i mean its endearing when ed messes the lyrics, and i couldnt get them to gimme some truth either...but the words are so damned good. we don't want mr lennon spinning...we want him shakin it down.

i had an appointment at el gymnasio at 3 45 today to get my back checked for free. i was excited because my back has kind of been pinchy lately, for lack of a better word. so i hustle on down there to catch the back guy (ok, massage therapist/chiropractor) putting his coat on. i say 'wait, hi, i'm your next appointment' and he says 'oh sorry, there was a mistake, i have to leave by 3'.
#1 he tells me he has to leave by 3 at 3:30.
#2 i believe i put my phone number down next to my name exactly for a reason such as this, and yet, no call.
lordy lordy guess who's fourty? oops. i mean lordy lordy guess who was annoyed to no end? thats right, it was me! on my way to the locker to hang up my raincoat i walked clear into this chalkboard on an easel thing and knocked it right the fuck over. a big chalkboard. the guy behind the counter was cracking up. i was like 'uhhh at least it didn't break'. i'm surprised it didnt break, lodging sharply into my kidney. just so Back Guy could say 'ooh, i'd love to stay and help, but i gotta be outta here by 3' as he stepped over me and headed to the door. that woulda been perfect.

the news director from global sent me an email that made me proud:

Thank you Again Stephanie. It was your letter that inspired us to do the
piece. I was glad you were willing to be a part of it.
have a good day
Ward

yay. i sent hate mail to pulse news and will likely stop viewing them (i'll miss you bill haugland) because of the way they are 'handling' the whole expos thing. they aired this report about angry fans in minnesota and went on to say how here in montreal people aren't making a peep. well way to look for the fucking story pulse, you passive apathetic resignated (if its good enough for ament, its good enough for me) motherfuckers. and i wrote them and pretty much told them so. minus the motherfuckers.

alex and i had a word racer world series, and needless to say She Who Rarely Loses At Scrabble reigned supreme. i am the most nauseating and obnoxious winner ever. altho i do remember playing trivial pursuit one time with anita and...someone else (eek, thats not nice) and when she won the game she SANG 'i win! i win! i win!' in this gleeful, yet mocking tone. where were the tape recorders that night, eh my friend? the only thing i do worse than win is lose. anyway, if you love word games like boggle and scrabble and crossword puzzles, and love to spend time online, then word racer is so for you. i am up for a duel anytime.

i noticed yahoo offers spades as a game there too. i may never go offline again.

i think the blind melon song that starts alot like the way one of the new pearl jam songs starts is glitch. but i'm not even sure thats the one. you heard it here first. maybe. nico is the best album to sing along to. except it makes you love shannon, which makes you miss shannon, which makes you mad at shannon. but especially just miss him.

if you thought: miss him? you didn't even know him! then to you i say: zip it, and bite me. its sad if people cant understand that. i hope none of you did, because if you did i probably offended you just now. but i dont care because you thinking that offends me. shannon was one of the magic people. we need all the people around like that to stay around as long as possible.

pardon me as i take a melon break.

i hope you're all catching sean penn on friends. he is hilarious. he is the epitome of cool. he is the best in the actors studio episode out there.

guess how many people called to hire/interview me today! guess how many checks from the government i got! guess how many times i had crazy hot sex with eddie cibrian, tobey maguire, javier vasquez, ewan mcgregor or norm macdonald!

shannon is telling me 'life aint so shitty' as i type that. so i'll shut up. but in case your bitter-meter is broken, the answer to all of the above is ze-fucking-ro.

eevee and i had a minor breakthrough earlier today. she is kind of stand offish by nature..i can't quite put my finger on it. just not the affectionate ham her brother is. but today she jumped up on the desk here, and paced back and forth. and then she lay down! she has never done that before, and she did it, right where her brother usually does. i was just about to go into the other room but i was so blown away i stayed as long as she did. then she got up and climbed into my arms in her backward way. i hope it keeps up. sunrise, sunset...sunrise, sunset....

so. i think i was going other places with the ol blog, but i ran into the blind melon field and when i came out those thoughts had gone dry. damned music screwing everything up.
=)

find myself singing the same songs everyday
ones that make me feel good
when things behind the smiles ain't ok

around and over and in between the seas
i need to be on top of a mountain
where i can see everything
cause this paranoia's getting old

now as i open my eyes to start another day
i'm in a pile of puke
empty bag of excuses
my love for friends and family you know i need them

and under a sun thats seen it all before
my feet are so cold
and i cant believe that i have to bang my head against this wall again
but the blows they have just little more space in between them

gonna take a breath and try again

-shannon hoon, walk
(a song clearly about overcoming addiction, but also just about overcoming)

one love, the dream i see.

one day after being on tv and hollywood doesn't call or write. i knew it was a bust. not to mention my team is good as gone. i don't know what me and pops will do next summer without ball games to go to...i will miss it too much. i hope the core 'spos all stay together and move to some lucky team as a package, and then me and my dad can go there for games and just pretend its the expos. but the closest would make them mets or yankees or blue jays and i say no fucking way to that. we shall see what happens. bud selig, i will hate you infinintely. i guess you park that 'vette where your soul used to be (4 points for that one).

i spent the main chunk of my day sending out faxes for jobs. i forgot i had a fax modem right here and can do it from home. what a fabulous thing that is. the best job i applied for today is as a features editor for a travel magazine here in montreal. in my cover letter i mentioned how i have a keen eye for detail and catch grammatical errors as though written in neon. and i send the fucking thing with a goddam grammatical error in it! i caught it right after i sent it. *sigh*. so i sent her a quick follow up email that said: self editing: how embarrassing. i was in a rush trying to get it to her before she left her office, and in so doing i prolly fucked up any chance i had. what a goofball moron. lesson learned: slow down, you move too fast.

you gotta make the moment last just kicking down the cobblestone
lookin for love and feelin groovy
cue all readers: na na na na na na na feelin groovy!
yay! a sing along!

i walked to the gym again, this time with groundworks in my ears. it was interesting to hear it again, because i was expecting that resurgence of VAVAVOOM that that night had, and i didn't really feel it. the performance was great and the recording of it is pretty solid...but there was something in the room that night, about being there...that i'm not sure technology could capture.

having said that let me just say: matt cameron, you are king of the octopi. holy crap! grievance he is a madman, insignificance a fiend and given to fly...i love this song under every circumstance, but this particular one...i could listen to just the drum track and be happy. beautiful playing. michael...he just scorches the opening to nothing as it seems...it sounds like walking into a heat wave that instantly soaks you in sweat. and though i didn't note it then, its kind of sweet the way eddie plays his newest baby, i am mine, and follows it with his oldest baby, betterman.

and speaking of betterman, i noted that towards the end of the song from bridge one jeff drops these two huge bombs that totally make the song for me. i should listen right now to point you to exactly where if you are lucky enough to have the show, but guess what? i'm too lazy. its not my fault. it was predestined in my chinese astrological sign. take it up with my parents, or with china. leave me alone. =)

i did the weights routine at the gym. i so would have rather been at a yoga class. i don't want to lose my flexibility and that peace. friday morning is looking to be a 6 45 wake up. oy vey. there's this terrible phenomenon going on at my gym and i'm not dealing with it well: women working out in jeans, cut off jeans, and skin tight jeans. ladies: those are not leggings! for some reason, this misuse of fashion is not acceptable in any paradigm i got goin on. its head shakin news.

the best thing i ate today: two pieces of cinnamon toast. toast+margarine+sugar+cinnamon=gone in less than a minute. too good.

the best thing about today: is that its followed by tomorrow. tomorrow=thursday=survivor!!! and something big is going down. cannot wait.

after dinner, which i very maturely ate at the kitchen table again, i watched nypd blue and did the puzzle for two hours. its coming along...slowly, but with definite progress. there are two new young actors that i like that have been added to the cast who i didnt know had been, so that was kinda neat. i like when soap opera actors make it to prime time. i feel like its a victory for them. like when a comic is made into a movie. a coming to life, a departure from a one dimensional joke. for example: anne heche used to be vicky on another world when i watched it, and now she is anne heche (tho she was then too). amy carlson from third watch, whose hair i still like, also was from another world, she was josie. and on nypd blue is vanessa marsalis, who was brenda on general hospital and on 90210 also. she is so damned pretty. i think they made her cut her hair icky-like to remove from how attractive she is, to be taken more seriously. because her hair is like...whats up with yer hair, girl??? kind of hair.

yes i used to watch another world and general hospital. but like the expos, they disintegrated aw. and gen hospital has always sucked. sometimes i still watch the bold and beautiful because it is so campy and absolutely just bad. so bad. but its only a half an hour and its amusing. anita has been caught in its web too, so its not just me. sorry anita, gotta take someone down with me.

then i got online and got crafty with my mystery project. gonna be fun. is fun. nice to plan.

and that pretty much is a summary of the day. my unemployment check...where the hell is it?? my mom called me because my brother told her of my tv appearance (but he didnt call me) and rich called me earlier too.

other than that....not much to report.

hmm. i'm surprised by my nothing-to-say-ness. i usually go on endlessly about who the hell knows what. i don't have to tell you. i kinda spent my energy bein a craft coochie.

got email from chantal. this girl leads the most fascinating life, i swear. she works for a non-profit org in dc. she is in cambodia right now working to preserve land, gorgeous forest and mountains. she is about to go into the forest for three days. she has managed to meet a cute aussie lad. last time she was there she hung out with matt dillon who had been there filming. me, i think eating at the table is a major accomplishment. hahhahahhaha.

i am itchy in a very weird spot right now. should i mention it? hell yes. so what if its the area under my boobs. if you had a wire pressing in there all day every day you might get itchy once in awhile yourself. not that im defensive or even hostile about it (no, not at all). its just not the kind of information i'd usually share.

oh FUCK. i JUST remembered...hahaha so literally JUST remembered that at dinner i put a load of clothes in the washer. that was SEVEN hours ago. i totally forgot about it till right this second. translation: its sitting soaking wet and probably mildewy in my washer. no i am not drunk or stoned. what is up with my brain??? damn. excuse me as i head to the dryer. won't my neighbors be happy to hear it running at 3 am.

more inner workings (or non workings) of the brain of stephanie: my washer and dryer are side by side, next to my fridge. i walk to the kitchen to take the clothes out of the washer and pop em in the dryer. i get to the kitchen and open the...fridge, and pull open the little freezer door. i stare into the freezer, with a totally empty head. then the thought pops in like kramer through seinfeld's door: what the hell am i doing here?? and i close the freezer and fridge and move over to the washer. jesus.

i won't tell you how many times i've put a cereal box in the fridge, instead of the milk.

and no i didnt make up the above to give me something to write about. i swear it really happened. if it was fiction i would have made up something to make me look smart and beautiful, not like a big ol dumbass.

anyway its clear this big ol dumbass should no longer be allowed near heavy machinery or electronic devices as i am a danger to myself and those around me and should get to bed. or couch.

one of my favorite comedians mitch hedberg has a joke:
don't operate heavy machinery while under the influence? i say, never operate heavy machinery. its HEAVY.

well, i semi butchered it and it works best with his drawl. if you havent heard of him, try to find some of his stuff. he cracks my shit up. him and norm macdonald. oh lookee! i found us all an interview with him to read that i didnt know existed. thanks, me! and at a magazine called shecky. some things are just fated. the jokes on the side are a pretty good example of mitch.

i just read the interview. the first link is better.

and with that, faith-full readers, i bid you a fond bon soir.

one love, party people. don't leave your shit in the washer. the dream i see.

could i be more tired? no. i'd say i'm even borderline cranky. i've had a kind of weird feeling that i would fall over and be asleep more than once today...its a feeling in my head. its happening right now. but today was just too eventful so not blogging is not an option. its not every day that i'm on tv.

intrigued?

so i am stirred from the couch at 1pm. the doorbell. its the people to read my hydro meter and i have to get up and let them in or i will be cut off. they are very pissed at me. i jump from the couch and look for pants, not about to go to the door in my pajamas. it took me so long to get them on that i left my pajama top on. luckily when i opened the door it wasnt someone i would have considered a future husband as i stood there in pink flannel, but a woman, who came in and was gone in less than a minute. my eyes were so tired i wanted to go back to sleep, but i stayed up.

oh. there were two packages in my mailbox. thank you jess and carl!! woo!!! i am all pearl jammed up, and then some. i want to be listening to groundworks right now but i cant because i know it will distract me from the task at hand.

i checked my email as per my morning ritual. there was another from the news director at global tv asking me to call him. i did. he was super nice and said they wanted to interview me, today. i was reluctant, because i do not have a penchant for official public speaking. i have a penchant for sweating, shaking, voice-trembling, face-reddening habits while doing just that. so i was like...eesh. he said 'look, stephanie your letter was excellent. its VERY rare that i respond to mail that i get. you will do fine, we want you for this story." how was i going to say no to that?

minutes later the sports dude called me. now its like 1:40. he is very business like: he needs the story done by 5. he says: we can be there by 2:15. i am still pajama girl...not about to go on tv without working the hair and bathing. so i say: ok. oh, to boot the interview will be done in my apartment, which luckily was only at a level 2 of pig-sty-ness. i shoved all stray clothes into the washer. i tossed all cat toys and blankets and such into the spare room and closed the door. instant tidy.

i was ready by 2 but racing around my apartment trying to calm down (note to self: when trying to calm down, try not to race around) and find the pictures of me with the team from the mid-70s. everything seemed to be ok. doorbell.

so its paul and a camera dude. not too intimidating. as we climbed the stairs i warned him that i am a writer, not a talker, and tell him how im horrible on camera even at bar mitzvahs and weddings. i find out then he is of the tribe. funny. so they look around and its easy to tell they are none too impressed with my dwellings. which is unfortunate because they decide we will chat standing up. not the most relaxing. paul says eevee is a beautiful cat. mac was nowhere to be seen. ironic considering right now he is sitting on my desk blocking my view of the monitor.

and then its happening. he asks me:
what is your favorite memory of baseball in montreal?
did i say watching tim raines steal a base this season, or countless clutch homers by vlad or cabrera, or the mets and expos behavior at the first game after september 11? no. i go with what i know and talk about the visit to the dugout when i am 6 or 5. my voice is totally shaky and weird, and i look not at him and not at the camera as i talk. eek.
who do you blame for whats happening to the expos?
i say i dont want to blame montrealers. its the owners and the media doesnt help.
and so on. during the interview mac appeared. he sniffed the cameraman's legs and then walked over to my feet. he usually will stretch and put both his front paws on my thighs and dig in with his nails, wanting to be picked up. but he didn't. what a good boy.

then we sat down on the couch and i showed paul the pictures, and we talkedelaxedly about the players and that era and stuff. i was more at ease sitting. doh. overall i was right: i am far better with the written word than spoken.

the proof was in the broadcast. he did a good job editing it down, but a bad job with the facts. while showing the photographs he overdubs 'stephanie remembers her first game from when she was 6.' dude, that wasn't my first game, and i never once said it was. gimme some truth...anyway, the clip of me talking is about my dad. i'm saying something along the lines of 'baseball and the expos are me and my dad i can't believe i may not have that anymore" or something. whatever i said, it made me go 'awww' cuz its sweet and shows my love of the game and my pops. quickly after that tho it made me go 'ewww' because DAMN the camera was close and that was a bright light on me and i look whiter than white and just...its was none too flattering an angle. but who cares. i got to say my piece about my team on a very fateful day...possibly the last day in expos history. *sigh*. i dont want to discuss it.

and i thank them for giving me that chance. and for doing something other than just let it happen. my dad will love it. maybe he'll get me a car! no, thats not realistic. hahahha what an opportunist. maybe he'll hook me up at his gym!! dreamer. nothin but a dreamer. can you put your hands in your head oh no?

my cousin videotaped it. and no, you can't see it.

and on a happy fucking note: orlando cabrera won the gold glove for his position for the year. woooooo!!!! when i read that i said 'yes!' with more conviction than was necessary and made a fist with my hand and shook it. needless to say, i wanted that to happen. it was only right. the man was near perfect in the field and never missed a game. go clutch! go clutch!

ok here's an awful confession that shows i can be dispicable:
i was at the bus stop on the corner and could see the bus in the distance. good, i wouldnt have to walk to the gym. except this guy walks over and stands at the stop with me. he is young, my generation. he has a beard that can only be described as osama-y. he is middle eastern and wearing clothing that shows that. and a wool hat that said canada on it. i told myself: don't be an asshole. but i didnt take my eyes off him. i was debating in my head: he is just a dude youve never seen before, its fine. get on the bus with him, look he is a happy canadian vs he is young, just like the crazy fundamentalists. does he look nervous? then the bus was in the final approach. i watched him pull out his bus ticket. with it came this jewelry that looked to me to be some prayer chain of some kind. i didnt know.

all this as long road from bridge 1 played on my walkman. did i get on the bus?

no.

and i felt horrible about it. i walked to the gym instead, working off the feeling of being sickened with myself step by step. i want to say its not my fault, that events of the recent past caused me to do this. but it was me who ultimately decided not to and i feel the need to come clean that this is what i did. i'm not going to apologize or judge myself. on september 10th it wouldnt have been an issue.

on my walk back my cd player fell from waist level to the pavement. a punishment from the universe? this was as i was struggling to change the cd for what seemed a lifetime. finally i do it and guess what? before i can get halfway through the first song my batteries died. thanks, universe.

i had a super fun time at the gym, until i got that 'hey wouldnt it be nice to stop this and just lie down' feeling right in the middle of class. i wanted to get up for the 7 30 am yoga class tomorrow, but with this feeling i dont see that happening what with being up right now and all. i will make it for friday though, mark my words. i miss yoga too much to not attend the classes whenever they are.

after the gym i made myself dinner and ate it At The Kitchen Table. i say it that way because i always feel so grown up when i do that, as opposed to eating on the couch in front of the tv or in here, which makes up about 96% of my meal plan. and i love eating at the table, i don't know why i don't do it more. i really do feel more together and succesful in there. ha, so silly. mac sat on the chair next to me the entire time. he didn't make a play for my food or get on the table at all. he just sat there, like a human, or the way a kid would set up a doll at a tea party. i don't think i ever loved him more.

and then the tuesday night treat: judging amy. i so love judging amy, in that way that i loved picket fences. the characters are all real and flawed and believable. the writing is so good...there are so many relationships and settings on the show and the writers still manage to weave one theme through all of it and its always interesting and never insulting or obvious. great tv.

ha! wayne newton is on craig kilborn in the other room. i was hoping he would sing danka shene, which any self respecting ferris bueller fan knows every word to, but instead he just said 'i was talking to shecky green last week'. shecky! woo!

i'm so tired. i gotta stop writing. two teams are gonna be contracted, out of four mentioned. i am almost sure that the expos are one of the two. but in case i am wrong (it happens about twice a year) please, do whatever you do, cross your fingers, light a candle, streak at your local movie theater...in honor of keeping the dream alive. thanks.

have a good night. one love. the dream i see.

=)

posted by s**  # 1:24 AM

dude it is so cold in my apartment right now that my hands are freezing and could use gloves, i am shivering occasionally in my flannel pjs (one point for that lame mention) and my nose is running intermittently. intermittently. what a weather-girl word.

i am craning my neck now to hear the choruses of "so turn on your heat, dumbass".

they say its going to warm up wednesday. i can handle two days of cold so as to avoid paying for two days of gas heat use. yes, my bank account is on my mind. i feel like fucking oliver twist. ok, so he was a poor orphan, not an unemployed woman, but at some point i'm sure he was cold.

i had 12 emails when i got online today. impressive, no? no. especially after i found out that two others that had been sent to me were never received. whats up with that? so i send email to my provider and they are all 'nope, everything is fine here!' hello! not getting the point much? if i am not getting email then everything is NOT fine, and that was the point of my email. whateva. actually, no, not whateva. if i am applying for jobs online, and i am not receiving some emails...this is not a good equation. mofo.

anyway, here is an email i was NOT expecting:

Hi, Stephanie. My name is . I'm a researcher-reporter here
at Global TV. I got a chance to read the email you sent to our news
director. Very well written with a lot of passion. Good stuff. I'm an
Expos fan too.

Anyway, we are getting ready to put together a series of stories on "Nos
Amours". I would like to know if you may be available for an interview in
the near future. I'm sure our stories will include fan reaction, and I
think
you may be perfect (oh yeah, that's why Ward let me read your email!).

Let me know what you think. Either via email, or by
calling me on my direct line: 514-pri-vacy.

Take care, Steph. Bye

yikes. i got nervous just reading it. i am a writer for a reason...not too sure i'd make a good interview. also..i kind of resent the idea of them talking to fans AFTER the fact of non-expos, instead of rallying to save them beforehand. so i don't know. thats probably just a justification of me copping out. either way its kind of cool. it was surely not my intent. i should trade them an interview for a job. this world needs more blackmail..i mean bribery...i mean barter.

and before i leave the topic of baseball, let me just say that toby and alex both went and found me randy johnson expos pitcher pictures. thanks guys. you are the best man-servants i've ever had. here's another. randy's legs are so long and thin he looks like a damn alien. he is 6"10. they say when he does something good on the field he throws both arms up to the sky, reaching up to his late father. sweet.

i guess i'm feeling kinda sentimental today (as opposed to just regular old mental). i was reading this journal that belongs to some guy who usually writes in third person and drives me a bit nutty, but other times i like his lingo. i only know him because he interrupted me to ask kirk if he remembered him (i think). he called himself elmo. anyway i don't know him from a hole in the wall but i read his journal which i came to in some goosechase with jess just because i am a journal reading addict, and today he basically writes a long love letter to his woman and the last paragraph choked me up its so sweet.

jesus whats wrong with me. sue ann, hook a sister up. =P

brr.

my back is kind of hurting. i'm not sure if its the lame couch sleeps of late, or if it was being hunched over the puzzle for about 4 hours tonight. i managed to get the frame done, on a flattened cardboard box. i have to do it on something portable so i can hide it from the cats when i'm done working on it. turned out the cardboard was too short. so i pulled out this window pane from my back room and transferred it delicately over, which was a gigantic pain in the ass, as lifting a puzzle frame and trying to keep it together is like turning over a bowl of popcorn and expecting the stuff to stay in the bowl. anyway, i get that done and surprise! the fucking window pane is too small too. yay, puzzles are fun! so i had to transfer it AGAIN, this time onto a big window screen.

the cats are bad with the puzzle pieces because they dont want to just swat at them: they want to eat them. a dog would just lie at my feet and snooze. the cats are pouncing all over everything every two seconds. a nice relaxing puzzle i thought. ha! meanwhile, what was i thinking buying this one? everything is yellow! its gonna be tricky.

in an attempt to warm myself up i just popped in bridge night 2. =) its already working. this is what i looked like waiting for bridge one to begin. all sunny and clean looking. this is what i looked like by bridge 2. two nights of billy idol screaming 'hey motherfucker get laid get fucked' will do that to a person. the caption is because me and steve stevens have almost the same haircut...i say almost because his is better. why couldn't he stay forgotten!? had to come steal my coif thunder.

i wonder if mike is gonna keep up with what i refer to as 'that spanish ending' style of playing like in wishlist. i call it spanish ending because thats what shannon hoon calls it at the end of a song he plays on nico that ends with that style playing. which is odd to mention right now because 'i am mine' is starting and i know the beginning reminded me of another song, and now i'm thinking its a blind melon song. weird.

so i tried my first stab at the 'overcoming challenges' three minute speech/essay thing i'm supposed to write. and i think what i have absolutely sucks. i feel like what i'm saying is patronizing, because its going to be read by a guy younger than me who knows what challenges are: legally blind and paralyzed from a stroke. i mean, yes we all have degrees of challenges...but..i dunno. knowing what he's overcome makes me feel like i don't know shit, and comparatively i probably don't. in summary: it needs work. bad.

i will say it: i LOVE the song mike wrote. last soldier. the bass line in it makes me feel like its a dead song. which makes me HAPPY. suh-weet. and the chorus sweeps me up in that feeling i would get at dead shows. mama like. and jeff is really cranking the bass during black here too. long held notes that are...well, they're black. i remember when i started posting to the newsgroup i would share that i envisioned jeff's basslines to be this huge tubes that i would slide along in my head...and that i'd love to have sex with them. the basslines. this is bringing that back. who said that?

this is what happens when i try to do anything while listening to music. i stop what i was doing and the music takes over. which is why i can't put it on to sleep to...i don't sleep, i listen. unless its van morrison moondance, which is a total lullaby album that i love like a teddy bear. no, teddy rabbit.

my friend adam is offering me a job at a record shop in seattle. bitch of a commute but...there are worse jobs.

ok i am chatting and listening and no longer writing. i think that means i'm done.

have a swell night. one love, people. go listen to some john lennon.
whats real? the dream i see...

posted by s**  # 2:05 AM

wooHOOOOOOO!!!! there is nothing like VICTORY!!!

my dad had a brilliant idea. we would chill at his place, order in chinese and watch game 7 of the world series, featuring the scummy new york yankees vs montreal expo randy johnson and some other guys in the same uniform.

i guess you know who i was rooting for. and what a game. total pitcher's duel, high tension. and then schilling gives up a home run in the 7th, to put the expos...i mean diamondbacks down 2-1 to the skankees, i mean yanke...no, i mean skankees. dumb dback manager lets schilling come up to bat at the bottom of the 7th, which i totally didnt understand. they should have put in a power hitter, but it doesnt matter now. part way through the 8th shilling came out, and my boy randy, who fucking pitched last night, came in to finish the game. what a thrill for me, to see him there, and throwing like gold. fast forward: the bottom of the 9th is about to start. the dbacks are down 2-1. my father walks in from the bathroom and says 'here we go...do you believe in miracles?' and i say 'yes, it can happen.' it was edge of my seat baseball. the lead off batter hits. i go mental. i learned this year that when the lead off batter gets on base there is a 50% chance he will score.

and he did. woo the game was tied and i jumped and cheered and high fived my dad and could not believe it. 1 out. men on second and third. the skank pitcher hits the batter and loads the bases. anything wins the game, except a strikeout or a dreaded double play. i couldnt take it. if it actually had been the expos in the game (dont laugh) i really dont think i could have handled it. a pop up sends in a run. a walk sends in a run. a hit, well...and thats what happened. a hit. randy johnson won the world series, along with arizona. i jumped up as though on the team myself, whooping and leaping and cheering, stopping only to do a vicious double point at the skankee manager and jeter who i loathe while making this awful 'haaaaaaaaaa' sound that sounded like eevee growling at mac, then i went back to whooping. it was fantastic. much joy and happiness.

on the way to my dad's i yawned about 75 times in the car. i thought i was a goner for sure, certain to pass out by like inning 3. no way, dude. i so love the game. as soon as the anthem started i was totally revitalized. amazing. one day i will be at a playoff game. one day.

amendment: (no, jess, not ament-ment): there is nothing like victory in the bottom of the 9th in game 7. glory glory. and that nike ad where the players in mlb from all over the world sing 'take me out to the ball game' was great. yes, especially because expo relief pitcher graeme lloyd from australia sang the 'root root root' part. funny stuff.

alex, i believe you owe me one big motherfuckin whatchamacallit.

so. my belly full, my mood is grand, and my fridge is full of delectable leftovers. what could be better? i'll tell you what. if i could find just ONE goddam picture of randy in his expos uniform on the internet. just one.

i stayed up WAY too late last night and got up, i'm almost ashamed to say, at 2pm. so much for the gym and meeting anita and j. i was groggy and sloth like and thought the day would suck. i vowed to myself i would not spend it online. and so it was. after checking my email etc, i was off. showered and dried my ever growing longer hair. i'm thinking as soon as i get a job i'm gonna cut it like that chica in the ad jess showed on her site. just without the dye.

i wanted to go to an arts and crafts type place, but by the time i was ready it was 3 30ish and stores are only open till five. plus i wanted to walk. so i called a bunch of places and found that one of my favorite chains of stores, even if it is mostly french, is just a few blocks from here. so i suited up and headed out, feeling grey as the day i walked out into.

its amazing what fresh air can do. i wasn't out walking for even three full minutes before i was inspired with an idea for an upcoming project to fill my time. and it could be big fun. and cheapie cheapie. but i can't say what it is. i am lousy with surprises, but i am gonna try. i walked up parc to laurier, resisting temptation to go into starbucks and spend my ever disintegrating cash on some designer coffee, and found my local renaud-bray. they have a mega selection of mostly french books, but they are the best place to go if you need a gift for someone. i guarantee you can find something for anyone at this place. i love it. amazing journals and candles and cds and umbrellas, cards and just everything. and a kids corner chock full of puzzles.

i love the one i got. love it. it totally reminds me of the peace there is in a quiet moment at the ocean. and there is something so poetic about this painting, so gentle and sweet. while looking at it for a moment i thought i might cry. i didn't. (however if the expos ever pulled off what the dbacks did tonight i totally would, this i know factually). but for some reason that i cannot understand the artist chose to name this painting: mad dogs. the way the females are holding their skirts gives the painting motion, you can actually feel the sensation of bare feet pressing into wet sand...i don't mean to sound like a pretentious art critic, tho i think i'd make a good one...but i'll just stop.

i am so pleased and excited about my *idea*. i hope i can make it work out. i will be bummed with myself if i can't. muahhahaha what torture! i will not say a word! go me!

so megan had this nice long survey on her website. i am gonna steal it and do it here. i hope all you journalers do the same.

1. Name: duh.
2. Were you named after anyone? yes. when i was just born and my parents were holding me a woman in a room across the hall started freaking out. the nurse with her was saying 'its ok stephanie, you'll be fine stephanie' etc. they dug it. i am named after someone having a shit-spaz. somewhat fitting, no?
3. Do you wish on stars? only when they're shooting. the big dipper travelled with me most of the way home from st paul.
4. Which finger is your favorite? the one getting the most attention these days is my left pinky. the nail has one of them bruises in it from my nail bending all the way back really harshly. i bet i just made you all cringe.
5. Do you wear perfume or cologne? no. but i do wear satsuma-vanilla scented oil from the body shop. wears off too fast.
6. If you were making a movie about yourself, who would play you: i would pick janaene garofalo.
7. Do you like your handwriting? yeah, i do. i inherited my mom's crazy lettering, and its loopy and i like it. scratchy.
8. Who do you admire? people with talent, people who *live*, fearless people.
9. What are the # 1 priorities in your life? ever-changing. i guess trying to be a good person and not taking life for granted.
10. What is your favorite lunch? i love food too much to pick one thing. at harvey's (veggieburger and fries) or at santropol (vegetarian chili salad or any of many yummy sammiches).
11. Any bad habits? remaining unemployed. picking.
12. What store would you never be caught dead in? i wouldn't want to be dead in any store. or anywhere else for that matter.
13>. If you were another person, would you be friends WITH you? i have thought about this lots. i think i would probably find me totally obnoxious and full of myself and want to hate me and secretly love me. love/hate myself. just like now.
14. Are you a daredevil? totally not. i drive to arrive alive. i am the voice of reason. aka total chicken.
hey megan!? where's 15??
16. Have you ever been told a secret you swore you wouldn't tell? yes, and i haven't.
17. Have you ever stolen anything? hell, yes. i am a firm believer in john s hall's 'steal it from work'.
18. Do looks matter? to me or in reality? it differs from situation to situation. unfortunately.
19. Do you pray? i believe in sending out positive energy by thinking things really hard. is that prayer? no 'god' factors in.
20>. Have you ever met anyone famous? yep.
21. Do you like flowers? yep.
22. Are you trendy? its trendy to say no to this question. so i will say yes. i dunno. ask my friends. meet me and decide for yourself.
23. What do you do to vent anger? sometimes get mad, sometimes blare music and thrash about, singing loudly. always swear.
24. Are you passive or aggressive? i am obsessive and compulsive.
25. Who is your idol? someone i idolize, eh? leonard cohen for sure. anyone with their shit together.
26. Who is your second family? well my first family are my actual family and my closest friends. i guess second is my pearl jam family, which consists of the music, the band, and the fans who are now my friends. it makes me feel very lucky, to have two.
27. Do you trust others easily? i tend to, yes. until i have reason not to, or unless i pick up a suspicious vibe.
28. What was your favorite toy as a child? my dog charlie. that lemon thing that you jump over thats attached to your ankle by black plastic.
29. Have you ever been on radio or television? i was at the pearl jam jones beach show that was being broadcast live...does that count? i thought not.
30. Do you like sappy love songs? that is a very seldom occasion. if the lyrics don't totally blow.
31. Ever kissed your buds boy/girlfriend? not in the last decade. uhh...next question. =)
32. Do you have a journal? see response #1.
33. Have you ever intentionally hurt someone? i have lashed out in the heat of the moment. otherwise, no.
34. Do you like sarcasm? not only do i like it, i could teach it in school.
35. Have you ever been in a mosh pit? never at the heart of one, never crowdsurfed. i dig my space. and listening.
36>. Do you feel understood most of the time? i hate the feeling of being misunderstood, so i do my best to be clear. i overanalyze like a mofo.
37. Where would you visit if you could go anywhere? globally speaking: australia has always been the dream destination. but i'd also like to do the ol eternal road trip thing.
38. Do you want children? right now my two cats are handful enough. right now.
39. What are your nicknames? shlepson, stephers, segal, segal-kneigal, shteb, annie, maydee-coo. in high school there was pokey and care-bear.
40. Would you ever bungee jump? i wouldn't say never. if i ever did noone would be more surprised than me.
41. Could you be a vegetarian? oh so easily. in fact, i am one! nothing that ever had a face or a pulse.
42. Do you untie your shoes every time you take them off? i am wayyyy too lazy for that.
43. What are you worried about right now? #1 the state of the world. #2 the state of my bank account.
44. Do you ever wear overalls? yes! i got a used pair that are all loose and comfy and awesome for dancing. but they currently have a hole in the crotch that needs some tending to. anita? =)
45. Do you think you are strong? yes. i underestimate me from time to time, but i am.
46. What's your favorite ice cream flavor? probably pecan and praline as a basic. i like the sweet/salty combo. lots from ben and jerry's otherwise. chubby hubby, for starters.
47. What class in school did you think was totally useless? math. i hate numbers.
48. Have you ever been in love? yes.

well, that was probably a lot more interesting for me than it was for you. forgive my narcissism.

some fun links before i check out for the night:
-check this bass guitar. its sexy, and looks like it came from the ocean. they did a good job naming it.
-check these pics from bridge. there's a great one of ben with ed and jeff, and a great one of neil and pegi.
-someone looked at my site today that found me by doing this search. if you are here weird person, hi.

and that is all. i cant believe how exhausted i am and how late it is. its gonna fuck me up for tomorrow, when im sposed to go waiter job shopping with sergio and write my essay on overcoming challenges and hopefully get calls from places who want to hire me. oh woe is me.

=)

one love y'all. peace out.
what's real? the dream i see.
ps-they let randy and schilling share the mvp. selig manages to not be a complete and total asshole moron.

one last thing. which shows up as the first thing, but whatever: a major realization from today:

speaking of oneself in the third person has returned to being my numero uno pet peeve.

unless you are frankie. from frankie goes to hollywood. frankie can say: frankie says relax. but that is the only exception.

ok steph is tired as shit, and is getting out of here.

woo! i posted at exactly 4:20! rejoice! cue jess thinking: doobie. girl, you can only say that in my presence 3 more times before you are cut off forever. make them count.

i noticed i mention telling my dad about baseball twice in my entry below. thats cuz i wrote it over the span of a movie and forgot. i'm 30 and senile. so sue me.

speaking of sue...sue ann? are you still reading? i can't believe you didnt get back to me about the commentary i made re: your cutie brother. i thought for sure the words: cradle robber were in my near future. not that it would be the first time i've heard that. =)

but enough about me. on to more me!

the fact of the matter is: today was super dull. i spent more time online than i did off. i cleaned under my bathroom sink. the highlight is about to be watching scent of a woman for the first time since it came out.

i did get to talk to lots of friends online tho:

that hoochie jess
that jigolo alex
that pimp rich
that elvis-imperonator toby
that cross-dresser joe
that crack-pipe maker cameron

what a cast of characters.

i talked to my papa and he was proud of me for the expos letter writing campaign. haven't heard a peep from anyone i wrote. but thats the nature of doing shit on fridays...gotta wait till monday to hear back.

my boredom led me to an all-crafts site. i was in desperate need for a project that didnt involve me writing or my computer in any way. i think tomorrow or monday i will go to a craft store and put down some money on something i can do with my spare time. i was thinking of making stuff for people for xmas. i cant really talk about it here though because lots of the recipients be frequent readers n shit. what a let down for you. gramma steph can't share her arts and crafts ideas. maybe i can get real exciting and talk about TEA!

i love when you see an older movie (not that scent of a woman is that old, HOO-AH) and you pick out someone in a bit part that has since become well known. in this case i'm talking philip seymour hoffman, who is a sensational actor. love him.

life cereal is just as tasty without milk as it is with it. i could swear there was cinnamon in it, but no--just sugar. this observation i provide to you free of charge.

you have to forgive the one-liners. i keep running in here at the commercial breaks. i wasn't going to bother writing at all, what with this day being mostly a write off...but that didn't quite feel right.

i got myself all psyched up earlier: i was going to give myself a facial mask. ooh-la-la. maybe after that i'd get a poodle and a pink caddy. i know, i dont seem like the facial mask type girl, but we are ALL the facial mask type girl at one time or another. hell, i could clean out the body shop and lush (if you don't know lush but love bathy stuff, check it and hang on to your checkbook) in their entireties and spend life happily in my bathroom and probably would if i won the lottery.

when i was digging under my sink i found a packed of mud from the dead sea that i had bought on my trip to israel which was 1993 i think. (i have a terrible memory for chronology, but i never forget a face. meaning i dont know what was last wednesday, last week, or last millenium, but if i took ballet with you for two months when i was 8 and run into you chances are i'll know it.) anyway, i decided that the mud on the face and in the hair was just what this dreary ass saturday needed. so i got all ready and cut that package open. the mud had done whatever mud does when its in a package for more than 8 years. part grey, part brown, part mud, part soup, all gross. fuck. i threw the thing out. it had travelled all the way from israel just to wind up montreal garbage. shameful.

ah the tango scene. the best part.

i had to dump my sloan screensaver. it kept fucking with whatever programs were open when it kicked in. not good. sorry sloan. check those links. they are pics from the hilarious halloween appearance on mike bullard.

tomorrow promises to be more exciting. i want to do a step class in the morning...from where i sit thats not looking too good. anita called to ask me to join her and j at champs for a soccer match (ok j, football) and a veggie burger, but thats at 11. lina called and asked if i would go to tam tams with her if the day is nice. she had a good laugh at martha-stewart-bored-needing-project-steph and said she would accompany me to the craft store if its yucky. maybe leo will join us and we can have a full on rip-fest during supermodels, the world's shallowest tv show. and if all else fails my dad said he might be up to doing something. see? today was so blank (well, not totally. honk if you love jesus) that i am "pimping" [total jess word, one point to her] tomorrow. a sneak preview if you will.

i read my dad richard burnett's article. at the end he said 'he happens to be 100% right.' then i told him how i might have my letter published, and he thought that was great. every copy of the hour is gonna be in the hands of the segals next week. when i told him of the letter to the sports dudes on the news he said 'good, give them shit' and he loved that my friends are writing too. as do i. thanks alex and toby and anyone else who wrote.

figure skating was on tv tonight. shit. but somehow when its on i find i can get into it, and it pains me when they fall. i go 'awww' along with the audience in attendance. i admit it: i love elvis stojko. i love him but i can't spell his name. and tonight i made a new discovery: emanuel sandhu. what a face. poor kid fell on his ass and you could see that he wanted to just run his skate across his wrist.

so i think thats it for the night. a down day has come to its end. all is good in the hood.

hey, shecky:

i am wishing you well
mind at peace within yourself
covers up, i cast you off
i'll be watchin' as you breathe
i lie still, you move, i send you off around the bend

i hold you deep in my arms
my fingertips, they close your eyes
off you dream my little child
there's a sun around the bend

heard that. one love. i'll find my way from wrong, whats real? the dream i see...

goo-nyte.