habit

a day late and a dollar short. well, bite me. if you had to be at work at 5 and a half bells in the morning you might skip a blog or two yerself.

its sunny and i pretty much feel the same way. this is gonna be a post of strange coincidences.

backtracking to thursday night, my mom called me. one of the first things she says is 'im making dinner. did oyu ever try the smart meal chicken strips?' and i couldnt believe it because i had just eaten them in my fajitas for the first time ever, never having seen them before, only a few short hours before. i was like MOM! i JUST had those! i cant believe you asked! ok it may seem like nothing now, but im tellin ya, it was freaky.

friday was fridayish. it was really quiet at work so i got out with plenty of time before my yoga class. i decided to see if i could do some damage in the stores and wound up with a new sleeveless tshirt and a thin sweatshirt type thing, both from le chateau, both on the cheap side, and both things makea me happy. le chateau makes me realize i need to go do some damage at urban outfitters. fun fun.

yoga was really good and relaxing. it got out at 5:30 and i had plans to go see the ball game with the guy with the lips and a friend of his. once-manager-james bailed on us, total lamenhausen. anyway, i was kind of sketchy about going with someone i didnt know...but it wound up being a very good time. and check this out:

the expos were playing the phillies. the stadium had a ton of people in full philly gear in the stands, including three men right behind us. then it hit me in like the 8th inning: i should ask what the deal is with no 100 level tickets available for sale. i wanted to sit right on the third base side, behind the dugout, so the guys could see people travelled for them, not way up where a throng of filly-fans can mosh all over the expos fans. so i turn around and ask those guys what is up with that, because yatta yatta and i tell them about my trip plans.

they tell me that the 100 level seats are all corporate owned and not available for single game purchase. gross. but before i can even squelch up an oozle of disappointment (yes im too tired to remember actual words so im making some up....creative liscense) the guy in the middle says: "what you want to do is take my name and number because i'll be out of town all of august and i have season's tickets and i want to get rid of as many as possible". i say "well, where are your seats" and he says "8 rows behind third base."

can you fucking believe that? of all the people in the world to be sitting behind me, i have and talk to the guy who has just what i want, nay...need, sitting at home waiting to be sold, at COST (which is cheaper than box office because he got them at season's tickets rate). i couldnt believe it. i still cant. what amazing luck. i thanked the guy a million times over and if he's at the game again tonight (as i will be) i will surely buy him a beer. because he proved my mother's rule once again, and for like the third time in the last month:

dont be afraid to ask for what you want. you might get it.

it all goes back to the people i met at work that day, who told me i can have anything i wanted, anything anything anything, those magic people. and jesus h christ, lookit.

for the record coil, he also told me to stay in century city or whateverthefuck.

isnt life amazing? i went off on this train of thought earlier (no actual idea when exactly) about how life is amazing because it can be so beautiful. and it can strike in so many ways that leave you breathless or heart swelled or teary eyed, and for no apparent reason, completely randomly...anything...like the bag in the wind in american beauty. but then i thought...it can also be equally vicious. tearing lives apart...people dying, species dying, the environment dying...and its pretty much a yin yang. whoever came up with that symbol, im gonna guess a taoist, man...they knew what was up.

i really dont take things like that guy with the baseball tickets lightly. shit like that happens and it lights me up like a christmas tree. everything else pales in comparison, including vladdy's base clearing double to win the game. it didnt matter that the guy with the lips was all cuddlish and flirtlike either and gave me two softie softie thank you smooches on the cheek. what a tease he is. anyway i didnt care. it was all about the freakish chance, the incredible odds that made that whole scene with mr philly go down. i fucking love it.

the fact that the guy turned out to be of the tribe too, well...that was just hilarious. i bet he's into pearl jam too.

i got to miracle someone at the game last night because i had an extra ticket....ok so i only saved them 8 bucks but its still such a fun thing to do. he was like THANK YOU, thats so nice and i was just all smiles and as i walked away i threw my arms up and went 'woo!' because it just feels so good....its almost selfish. i do it as much for me as for whoever i merit worthy of the ticket. this guy had an expos jersey on so thats all it takes.

fuck. firetrucks going by all around with sirens on. let me get out on the balcony to see if i see smoke anywhere.

see what i mean? i go out on the balcony and its warm and sunny and gorgeous and people are out and about and im off for the rest of the day and my team is in town and life is grand. but someone relatively nearby is losing memories in a fire and to them, grand it aint. here come more trucks. yin yang.

i came home after the game (alone, thank you very much)(when you gotta get up at 4:45 you arent thinking with your libido, i assure you) and watched the end of law and order and tried to sleep. it took me two hours to crash but i woke up feeling pretty rested.

but since work was deadsville again, i think because people headed to the golf course or patio dining, i got tired and forgetful and when they cut me at 1 (yes baby!) i booted on out of there and did a good 40 minutes on the elliptical watching the blue jays on tv and listening to pearl jam in charlotte 2000 (scorching mike solo off even flow....kinda different than the others). i was sweating like a damn hog. i love that, when the collar of the tshirt starts to get sweated through, and then it stretches down and eventually the whole tshirt down to my chest is soaked and i can see the sweat shining off my skin and beading down my neck...damn thats sexy shit. its so satisfying to me, that when i work out equally hard and dont sweat like that im not as pleased afterward. sweat shows you worked. its an accomplishment. and today it was pouring. woo, im all psyched (ok whiskykirk, stoked) and i bet you all are grossed out to hell. haha. well tough. breathe deep and i bet you can catch a whiff. =P

so i do have to put up a second coat in the now green room. durn it. its kind of patchy right now so im hoping the second coat will even it out. annoying though, i have to go back and get another can of the stuff. a littler one.

and thats it. im now gonna get off the box and enjoy some sun or a nap and shower before the game and my 4:45 wake up.

have a happy rest of the weekend. im a gonna.

--the smallest oceans still get big big waves--

i could not be more stuffed or lethargic. stuffed, yet still thinking about the fat free jello pudding in my fridge. funny how that is. there's always room for chocolate.

due to lethargy this blog is being brought to you early tonight. that way i can just flop on the couch and remain flopped. i dont work till 11 tomorrow morning. niiiiiiiice.

it was sun sun sunny here today, and as a result i think people headed to parks to eat lunch, rather than come to the restaurant. it was a ghost town in there, so i got out early. did 40 minutes on the ol star-trac listening to pearl jam's second boston show of 2000. that show is my favorite of the tour. i didnt have fan club tickets, in fact i was one row away from the lawn. i missed the opening act because joe and coil were stuck in traffic somewhere and i had the tickets and i wasnt going in without them. they showed up in the nick of time and it was all just so happy from that moment on. for various reasons in the course of that night i lived one of my all time happiest moments, hands down. not gonna elaborate. ask coil. =)

for anyone who has the second pearl jam boston show of 2000...those sounds at the very end of hail hail? yes, ed, yes. do that more.

after the gym i broke the cardinal rule: do not grocery shop whilst starving. but i had to do it. so i spent 8000 pennies on groceries, including caffeine free diet coke. yeah, baby, yeah. in the veg section they had this new product, fake chicken strips...and it gave me the idea of having fajitas, which i did. i bought all the ingredients, tortillers, sour cream, cheese, avocado, salsa and fajita seasoning and to make it extra special: portobello mushrooms. first time ive ever cooked with them...and frankly i overdid them a tad. i think theyd be best on my nonexistent barbecue. anyway...they were kick ass and the reason i am stuffed.

last night i heard the word terrorist like 800 times on tv, between law and order and the news...and now i realize why sher was nervous to have paul flying. i was all blowin off her worries last night...because i forgot that south of my border the nation is on high terrorist alert. what a way to live. and i keep thinking of september 11th...not that i ever really stopped i guess. anytime i see the twin towers or hear mention of nyc...cant help but think of it. its just so huge. so huge. huge.

*shakes it off*

so hi! when i got home with me ton of groceries i was surprised to see a padded mailer in the ol mailbox....that silly coil done sent me a cd! chris cornell with the boys from rage against the machine. thanks coil! how awesome that you thought of me. no matter what a jackass blockheaded fillie freak you are, i still loves ya. and whats this in my pocket for you? why, its iiIii! you lucky thing!

once home it was time to cook up the goods and veg in front of the tube. thursday without survivor...its wrong, plain wrong i tell ya. frasier pales in comparison. yuck.

and now that ive run down my day it seems i have pretty much little else to discuss. its that pesky lethargy kicking in. i mean, i could regale you with tales of how i amuse myself at work, torturing coworker oneil by ripping off his name tag or andre by callin him johndre but really...i dont feel like it. my first day back after two days off and ive already calculated that theres only four more shifts till my next day off. bring it! it was just so enjoyable to paint and chill and not look at the clock. its the best.

i saw a cute tshirt i think i will buy if it fits at au coton. the reason it caught my eye? it has a big '33' on the front. hello, untitled anyone? we've all heard that version, yes? plus its in like football meshy material but the holes are closed and its available in this orangey pinky combo that i dig, and its any two items for 20 bucks and that store is jam packed with workout wardrobes which i desperately need. gonna do some damage there tomorrow before yoga. hell yeah! this paragraph was brought to you by the influence of jess. jess, i officially really really like them sandals. very 70s. reminds me of station wagon siding and basement floors. in a good way. =)

this morning i woke up and though i had a restless sleep (hey, you hear the word terrorist 800 times and see how well you doze) i was totally not tired. the sun was reflecting off the building across the street and it just filled me with good energy. my cats seemed to have it too..as soon as i got up they were all rambunctious and kooky. i watched mac for a good two minutes trying so hard not to laugh and eventually failing. the new tree i got is sitting in a self watering pot. which means near the bottom of it there is a small square hole where i can fill it up...and i know when its low because there is a floaty thing in there that bobs around. if i cant see it it means its sitting on the bottom, nothing keeping it afloat.

mac was sitting right in front of it. he would slowly edge his paw closer to the hole, but every little creak of the house freaked him out and he'd jump back. he was hunting the thing inside floating around. i tell you, it was high comedy. i guess you gotta own a cat to know what im talking about. theyre so goddamn funny sometimes. its the bestest.

so some dipshit from veterans stadium in philly emailed me to tell me that all seats behind the dugouts are sold in packages and the best seats they have are 200 level. um, not. im not driving from montreal for the team to NOT see that they have support that travelled for them. jesus h christ, i cant believe there arent two tickets on the visitors side. that is such bullshit. its gotta be right on the dugout or it aint happening.

its ironic that philly is looking to be the city of choice. on 2000 tour the only time i ever felt afraid in the u-s-of-a was in philly. after the show everythign was fine and dandy, and then me and joe turned left when obviously we should have turned right, and suddenly we were in the middle of what looked to be gang bang central. i remember my heart rate accelerated....i was frightened. there were scary people and scary cars all around and the police cars were more threatening than relief instilling. ummm....tell me again why philly is the city of choice...

*big ass yawn*
man! im so out of it. im gonna sign off and hit the couch and be all mellow, fellow. have yourself a fabulous little friday.

--dont even think about reaching me...--

where the hell did this day go? i look up and its damn 9 30 at night. its coil's fault for keeping me up with his dazzling conversation skills till when im usually waking up for work. fun though.

quick points cuz i wanna watch law and order in ten.

got pics of jace today. looks just like cari's sister amy. and he's frickin adorable.

finished with coat one in the room and i LOVE the color. kiwibird rocks. i was worried id throw it on the wall and it would nauseate me. not at all. its swell.

didnt get to yoga or the baseball game. double darn. expos lost tho so its ok, and i was physical enough what with all the paint and such.

missed another call from rich.

got the month of may free from my provider (as it should be considering what occurred) and my posts are still evaporating instead of appearing on the newsgroup. suck.

my mom always says 'dont be afraid to ask for what you want'. she is so right.

bowman is my favorite person of the week. but im not saying why cuz i dont wanna jinx it.

its weird how jess anticipates her weekend exactly as i watch mine dissipate. god bless tuesday/wednesday. but now im kind of panicked...have to work at 7, so up at like 5 45, get my gym stuff ready, find my uniform (jeans and a white button down) etc etc. i wish i were independently wealthy.

i gotta bring home some groceries already. im like old mother hubbard over here. except young and not a mother. im just hubbard.

no, i dont know what that means either.

so i did a bunch of research last night and i told dad about it today and coil about it last night and it looks to be a go: august in philly. what cemented it was the score of scores: finding several, not just one...several! chinese restaurants in philly that do fake meats, all vegetarian. like the place in berkeley that i still dream and salivate about. oh man i cant wait.

the only bummer about all that is that the girls were considering a trip down to bc to see cari on the farm and jace in august. i love the idea, but cari and jace are coming here in september, so from the getgo it didnt make much sense to me. i mean, out there wed get alot more quality time with them...but thats alot of money and distance. mix in how important it is for me to make sure my dad gets to see that holocaust memorial...and im definitely leaning towards the philly trip. again, if i were independently wealthy i could do both. alas, i am not. id rather save a trip out west for when theres a long stretch of not seeing cari, and there will be plenty of times like that. anyway we'll see what happens....i hope i dont get kicked out of the girlz in the hood.

ok 10:03. im late.

maybe more later but hopefully i'll be asleep, dig?

oh. cds listened to while painting:
afro cuban all stars: a keeper
chris cornell euphoria morning: a keeper...what a good record. didnt even realize it before...i barely every spin it. love that one where he gets all bluesy. never even noticed it before.
critters buggin, bumpa: a keeper.

--a friend for the end of the world--

holy wow. once again 6 bucks provides major entertainment value as the expos get a major victory over the braves in extra innings. real edge of the seat type stuff, and my throat actually hurts from cheering. there were three guys sitting around us who were heckling the braves all kinds. most of the time they were painfully unclever, but they did have one or two good lines. my favorite was when bragg came to bat and his stats were up on the board...and they are sad. so his name is announced and one of the hecklers goes 'with those numbers, i wouldnt!' good stuff. it must be nice to have one of those voices that really carry. i so dont.

man, if youve got something to say, say it. hinting at a problem and then running away from it...what does that solve? i'll tell you what: nothing. annoying! then again maybe ive forgotten an important lesson: people can be callous and careless toward their friends. just because i value someone doesnt mean they feel the same in return. just because i value friendship doesnt mean everyone else does. just because i would seek reasons for someone's behavior to see what my role in it might be doesnt mean everyone else does. but thats enough about that. see? a perfectly great day and evening get foiled because someone wont speak their mind. how lame. not gonna let it ruin my night. forget that. i tried to open the lines of communication, twice...thats all i can do, and all i will do. im not going to fight for attention when people involved show me they could give a fuck by hiding rather than dealing. just needed to vent. dont worry...there's a 99.9% chance this has nothing to do with you. =)

jess...that commune we talked about....girl...that commune.

so back to the good stuff. what a schizo day weather wise. i woke up and saw sun. ten minutes later it looked like it would pour. it never did. when dad picked me up for the game it felt like full on summer. that was at 6:40 pm. crazy.

phase one of project paint bedroom is complete: the room is fully primered. not prime-red, but primerrrrrred. ready for the green paint in other words. hopefully will get that started tomorrow. i went out to pick up new brushes and scored an 'edge roller' thing too which i hope will help. i predict my painting in there to be slow going. because when i go fast i get sloppy and messy and i want the room to look nice. im excited for it to be finished.

i hatched a plan to listen to my entire cd collection while i paint, so i can make sure im still into the stuff i have, because theres alot in there that doesnt get listened to. hopefully the paint job wont take quite that long, but it should make it interesting. today i listened to the i am sam soundtrack (which was perfect for my mood, the weather, and the activity--with the exception of the horrid let it be cover) and neil young--harvest and pearl jam at bridge. tomorrow i'll start with the lesser listened to discs. fun fun.

i picked up a catalogue at the hardware store where i scored the 5 brush set for 11.99 and inside it there was a coupon to get the 5-brush set for 8.99. how nice of the clerks at the store to point out that coupon to me at the cash. oh wait, they didnt. crook bastards. anywho, there are two things i want in that catalogue. one is a fold out lawn chair that goes flat: good for lying on one's front in the currently nonexistent sunshine. the other were these vinyl floor tiles available for 50 cents each. except im not sure i could rip up the ones in my kitchen right now. so im thinking this: i let my landlord raise my rent higher than the normal increase in return for gettnig my kitchen tiles redone professionally, my bathroom sink/vanity replaced along with my toilet and maybe, just maybe a new kitchen counter....that would be worth the extra dough.

speaking of extra dough i REALLY REALLY have to look into house insurance and rrsps. im such a bank-term idiot. rrsps...im totally clueless. well not totally...i know i need one.

how awesome is this: \m/

see? its the rock on symbol!! i love it!
the expos winning tonight = \m/
hearing lowlight at bridge = \m/\m/

if someone could design one for raisin the roof, pumpin it up...sue would be greatly appreciative. i tried. the best i could do was:
___/ \___
not the best.

i saw the rock on one on the pearl jam newsgroup tonight. yes, i once again have access to reading and posting. except my fucking posts arent showing up to anyone else except me!!!!!!! motherfucker. so yet another email has been sent to my provider yet again asking them what the fucking fuck.

speakin of sue, she be all talkin about season finales of tv shows. tonight i missed judging amy's...bummer. i'll have to catch the rerun. but while waiting for third watch last night i caught the tail end of the ally 'needs some cheesecake' mcbeal series finale...just in time to find ally receiving a parting gift from cage...a necklace made of debris found at ground zero in new york city. jesus h christ, is nothing sacred. i thought i was going to hurl. it was truly hurl inspiring.

i missed a call from rich earlier today. and i just returned it and left him a message. yes, as always, the exciting news you need to know. one of the greatest dance songs of all time? groove is in the heart. the only player in baseball history to be named mvp in both the national league and american league? frank robinson, current expos manager.

earlier i called joel and told him that bob died. he was pretty upset about it too...its just not good news. some people should get to live forever. like people who make tens of thousands of kids happy year after year after year. i was in full pine valley mode today, i think thats why i listened to old music. i think im gonna repeat the homage to bob after this post in italics. it just feels right. anita called to tell me she was sending it to her folks because it summed up the way it is/was for her too, and i was glad to get that call, and not just because she has movie passes. i think maybe i'll print it up and send it to cari and staci too...i just think that what i said could have easily been said by any of them. we lived it together. so why not. i wonder if cari even knows.

brrrr thats heavy. lets lighten it up, shall we? dont you love when i talk like a children's show host? i knewww you did! this or that.

1. Bugs Bunny -or- Daffy Duck? dude, too easy. bugs was so clever and witty and crafty. daffy just stuttered. like me after a weekend shift when i wake up at 4:30 in the morning and run like a fiend all day. you know im tired when i mess up my sentences, spoken or typed.

2. Tom -or- Jerry? i have no memory of characteristics of either tom or jerry so i'll go with jerry because his name is jerry. there was noone named tom in the grateful dead. =)

3. Mickey Mouse -or- Donald Duck? ooh, see that one's rough. they are both beloved. gotta go with mickey. he was everyone's first. =) especially minnie's, nudge nudge wink wink.

4. Rocky & Bullwinkle -or- Boris & Natasha? rocky and bullwinkle. their voices were so funny. besides, everyone knows little kids dont like foreign accents.

5. Road Runner -or- Wile E. Coyote? all road runner ever did was run around. whats to like about that? i think everyone asked this question would go with the kye-oat.

6. Sylvester -or- Tweety? sufferin succotash. tweety was cuter but sylvester wins cuz he said suffern succotash. that was sylvester who said that, right?

7. Popeye -or- Bluto? dude, total popeye. bluto was the villain. i woulda gone with the burger eating guy if he was an option.

8. South Park -or - The Simpsons? they are both golden and are only the same category cuz theyre cartoon. i mean, the simpsons is comedy, clever and sarcastic and hilarious, and south park is twisted, risq-ay and crude and hilarious.

9. Jetsons -or- Flintstones? flintstones. they were the cartoon version of the honeymooners. i liked the jetsons but never got crazy about them. im not much for sci-fi. hahaha.

10. And finally, the eternal question asked by all good Scooby-Doo fans: Velma -or- Daphne? dont believe the hype. its all about shaggy.

the trip to see the expos in an away series is now leaning towards philly at the end of august. dad told me to just make the plans and he'd be into it, and so i looked at the schedule and thats the most accomodating i think. it gives me all summer at work to earn some time off, right at summer's end, and it will prevent me from missing a weekend shift...and they can afford to be without me for monday-friday. plus, dad will be back from his road trip and the games are tues weds thurs. so if we leave sunday after i finish work we can get to dc by sunday night and check out the holocaust museum monday. dad has always wanted to go there and see it...its sposed to be the 'best' in north america and he's never been to israel....so its the closest he can get and i want him to see it. i oughta map it out on mapquest just for kicks, and i still have the philly AAA guide with hotels etc from tour, so i can check that out too. also gotta head over to the fillies site. i want seats right on the dugout. gonna cost a pretty penny. but who cares. i might not have a team ever again....i will save lots of money on games then. sounds fun eh?? who wants to cat-sit? =) macky is chasing his little blue foam ball around, swatting it and running a few steps with it in his mouth and playing soccer through four rooms. too cute. you know you want to. maybe you also wanna go get me my bobbleheads?

ok im actually off to look into all that fun trip planning stuff. tomorrow looks to be busy...gonna crack open the kiwibird paint, water el plantinos, and be at the gym for 4 15 yoga. plus i want to return the jeans i bought from the gap two months ago that are still in the bag and never worn, and buy a pair of new ones for work. plus im hoping to get wilan to the ball game tomorrow night...have a great day war!

actually that goes to all of you. have a great day. =)

--last night i had the strangest dream ive ever had before....i dreamed the world had all agreed to put an end to war--

today would have been perfect for rainy day activities. that cool chill in the air and in the bones that made us layer up into our sweats and want to stay in bed no matter how much peter gabriel, meatloaf and rocky horror picture show played on the morning show. we could have dragged our asses to the c.l. for some annie or texas chainsaw massacre and then trekked up to the dining hall for milk and cookies, likely the maple ones in the shape of a maple leaf. and at least the rain would mean no damn swim instruction.

it all started in 1979, when i was 8. i remember someone came to the house with a slide projector that they set up in the living room, to show my brother philip slides of pine valley camp, my parents dangling the bait in front of him. i watched them too and wanted to go, so that was the plan. my first summer at camp.

pine valley camp, which ive talked about before in here, was the magic dust of my life. it was the highlight of every year and i waited for it eagerly each and every year. school was just a distraction between seasons at camp. and camp was run by one man, bob lazanik.

bob had some sidekicks:
--lee, his wife, who we remember most at the end of the cafeteria line offering us each a fresh fruit: 'want a peach? how about a plum?" we laughed at her persistence and insistence, but we also took them.
--muffin, his gold colored little ratty dog, forever at his side.
--betsy, his accordion. yes, accordion. friday nights we'd often gather and sing songs while bob played. my hat it has three corners...three corners has my hat....and had it not three corners...it would not be my hat. (we pause here for a tear break).

i never saw bob with a full head of hair. it was always white around the sides, the moat around his bald top. i can hear the sound of his voice as he would catch us jumping the massive tree roots on our way down to the rec hall, asking us to stop and pick up styrofoam cups littered here and there. we would roll our eyes, and moan and groan...but we would do it, much in the way we took the fruit. bob and lee.

that first summer at camp i became so homesick that i had to spend time in the infirmary. nothing made me feel better, i was misery. bob gave up on me and called my parents to tell them it was best that i just went home. i wasnt ready. the day they were scheduled to arrive bob collected me and brought me to his house, which sat across the main path from the office. i got to play with muffin in the house, and when my parents showed up i refused to go with them. i decided to stay. probably the best decision of my life. i wonder if bob knew and set me up by faking the pick up, in a plot with my parents. i wouldnt be surprised. whatever the case, that summer in 1979 sealed the deal.

i met staci at pine valley. then anita. then cari. my best friends, and by that i mean the people i know best and who know me best. i could list honestly hundreds of people to whom i associate fond memories that i wont ever forget. easily. my first kiss at pine valley. my sweetest memories at pine valley. i dare say pine valley made me who i am right now. i cheered passionately for my team during color wars, singing my lungs out, we couldnt have had more spirit if we tried and now look at me with the expos and survivor. i learned to love to play rather than watch, through newcomball and grey cup (best defense and mvp right here) and developed a more than healthy sense of competition. i got to stand on the stage and be ridiculous with my friends, or act in plays. i was the wicked witch in the wizard of oz, where dorothy wore kodiaks rather than red slippers, and messed up my line come showtime. i always say that no matter what, if i ever have a child in this life, that child is going to camp. and thats all because of how i feel about pvc.

bob made it all happen. he had camp in his blood, and was actually the camp director when my father was a waiter at camp bnai brith, and when my mom and her brother were campers at camp bayview. when we would see bob in later years he would say 'little anita' and 'little stephanie' in a tender voice of real happiness. we would tell him how we missed pvc and he would tell us there was no way we missed it as much as him. there is a bond between me and the people who loved that place that i cant really explain. pearl jam people might understand, but this was far more precious than that.

bob lazanik walked by my dad at the cavendish mall last saturday.
bob lazanik died this past friday. anita called to tell me today.

you dont realize how much someone meant to you and how much you loved them until they are really and truly gone. or maybe you do realize it but knowing they are removed from the world makes you actually feel it.

bob, you know we loved you and camp. but im not sure i ever said thank you. pine valley was the best gift. it was over too soon. so many things are. thank you thank you thank you. he aint heavy, bob. he's my brother. i love you.

--friends, friends, friends...we will always be (ALWAYS BE!) whether in fair or in dark stormy weather pine valley will keep us together the green and gold (GREEN AND GOLD!) we will always hold. love will pervade us till death separate us, we're friends (da-da-da) friends (da-da-da) friends da-da-da-da--

--aww but aint that pine valley camp, for you and me
aint that pine valley camp, something to see baby
aint that pine valley camp, bob and lee yeah
little green houses for you and me--

--from bob and lee's
to the waterfront
to the gym where we stand tall
and the boys and girls of juniorside have their riots in the dining hall--

today would have been perfect for rainy day activities. that cool chill in the air and in the bones that made us layer up into our sweats and want to stay in bed no matter how much peter gabriel, meatloaf and rocky horror picture show played on the morning show. we could have dragged our asses to the c.l. for some annie or texas chainsaw massacre and then trekked up to the dining hall for milk and cookies, likely the maple ones in the shape of a maple leaf. and at least the rain would mean no damn swim instruction.

it all started in 1979, when i was 8. i remember someone came to the house with a slide projector that they set up in the living room, to show my brother philip slides of pine valley camp, my parents dangling the bait in front of him. i watched them too and wanted to go, so that was the plan. my first summer at camp.

pine valley camp, which ive talked about before in here, was the magic dust of my life. it was the highlight of every year and i waited for it eagerly each and every year. school was just a distraction between seasons at camp. and camp was run by one man, bob lazanik.

bob had some sidekicks:
--lee, his wife, who we remember most at the end of the cafeteria line offering us each a fresh fruit: 'want a peach? how about a plum?" we laughed at her persistence and insistence, but we also took them.
--muffin, his gold colored little ratty dog, forever at his side.
--betsy, his accordion. yes, accordion. friday nights we'd often gather and sing songs while bob played. my hat it has three corners...three corners has my hat....and had it not three corners...it would not be my hat. (we pause here for a tear break).

i never saw bob with a full head of hair. it was always white around the sides, the moat around his bald top. i can hear the sound of his voice as he would catch us jumping the massive tree roots on our way down to the rec hall, asking us to stop and pick up styrofoam cups littered here and there. we would roll our eyes, and moan and groan...but we would do it, much in the way we took the fruit. bob and lee.

that first summer at camp i became so homesick that i had to spend time in the infirmary. nothing made me feel better, i was misery. bob gave up on me and called my parents to tell them it was best that i just went home. i wasnt ready. the day they were scheduled to arrive bob collected me and brought me to his house, which sat across the main path from the office. i got to play with muffin in the house, and when my parents showed up i refused to go with them. i decided to stay. probably the best decision of my life. i wonder if bob knew and set me up by faking the pick up, in a plot with my parents. i wouldnt be surprised. whatever the case, that summer in 1979 sealed the deal.

i met staci at pine valley. then anita. then cari. my best friends, and by that i mean the people i know best and who know me best. i could list honestly hundreds of people to whom i associate fond memories that i wont ever forget. easily. my first kiss at pine valley. my sweetest memories at pine valley. i dare say pine valley made me who i am right now. i cheered passionately for my team during color wars, singing my lungs out, we couldnt have had more spirit if we tried and now look at me with the expos and survivor. i learned to love to play rather than watch, through newcomball and grey cup (best defense and mvp right here) and developed a more than healthy sense of competition. i got to stand on the stage and be ridiculous with my friends, or act in plays. i was the wicked witch in the wizard of oz, where dorothy wore kodiaks rather than red slippers, and messed up my line come showtime. i always say that no matter what, if i ever have a child in this life, that child is going to camp. and thats all because of how i feel about pvc.

bob made it all happen. he had camp in his blood, and was actually the camp director when my father was a waiter at camp bnai brith, and when my mom and her brother were campers at camp bayview. when we would see bob in later years he would say 'little anita' and 'little stephanie' in a tender voice of real happiness. we would tell him how we missed pvc and he would tell us there was no way we missed it as much as him. there is a bond between me and the people who loved that place that i cant really explain. pearl jam people might understand, but this was far more precious than that.

bob lazanik walked by my dad at the cavendish mall last saturday.
bob lazanik died this past friday. anita called to tell me today.

you dont realize how much someone meant to you and how much you loved them until they are really and truly gone. or maybe you do realize it but knowing they are removed from the world makes you actually feel it.

bob, you know we loved you and camp. but im not sure i ever said thank you. pine valley was the best gift. it was over too soon. so many things are. thank you thank you thank you. he aint heavy, bob. he's my brother. i love you.

--friends, friends, friends...we will always be (ALWAYS BE!) whether in fair or in dark stormy weather pine valley will keep us together the green and gold (GREEN AND GOLD!) we will always hold. love will pervade us till death separate us, we're friends (da-da-da) friends (da-da-da) friends da-da-da-da--

--aww but aint that pine valley camp, for you and me
aint that pine valley camp, something to see baby
aint that pine valley camp, bob and lee yeah
little green houses for you and me--

--from bob and lee's
to the waterfront
to the gym where we stand tall
and the boys and girls of juniorside have their riots in the dining hall--

now that you are out of my life, its so much better
thought that id be weak without you, but im stronger
thought that id be broke without you, but im richer
thought that i would cry without you, laugh harder

cuz im a survivor....

tonight was the finale and i was singing jill sobule's version of the song at every commercial break, though only the verse above because thats the only one i know by heart.

i had taken a nap at 5:30 and woken up near 7:30. i looked out the window and honestly couldnt tell if i had slept for two hours or 14. i thought there was a possibility i had crashed straight through till morning, so i got up and turned on the tv and the theme music to the simpsons was the answer. phew. didnt wanna miss survivor.

i enjoyed the outcome and the show itself, i thought it was good stuff. its weird how so called minorities keep winning: the first went to a gay dude, the second to a woman, the third to a jewish kid and now a black woman. next its gotta be a senior citizen or someone with a disability of some sort. or a pearl jam fan. =)

oh my heck. i just killed a bug. thats the first one since the wasps last summer. usually when i see something flying around here i just let it be and either the cats get them or nature does. but i just smushed that little thing without even thinking about it until it was too late. crap. survivor bringing out vicious animal behavior in me. im sorry little bug. violence is for morons who cant solve with their minds. we all have levels of it as its animal behavior and humans are animals...but i thought i had mine well stifled. sorry sorry little flying thing.

honestly i hate ending life. i suck.

ok get over the bug, stephanie.

k.

so yeah. the finale to survivor was three fold: amusing in parts (because i love rosie), insulting in parts, and cliche as all heck in parts. the insult came when they show dimple boy get into a cab in broad daylight to go to central park. they show the cab drive through the city during the day and then wind up in the park at night. when jeff gets out he pretends to pay and even asks for a freakin receipt. what am i, a fucking moron? even if i was dumb enough to think jeff probst cabbed it there, im not BLIND. i can see he got in in broad daylight and got out in pitch darkness. the whole idea was stupid and i cant believe they went with it.

if they wanted to have it in nyc thats fine. if they wanted to do it in central park, thats cool too. but the helicopter ride in? the heartsoaked shots of the skyline and the empire state building...and the fucking longview on the statue of liberty, trying to stir emotion in the viewer that has nothing to do with survivor at all, and frankly just tastelessly milking the soft spot we all have for new york now...man that was downright nauseating and beyond the stupidity of the cab. capital w for whatever.

next show is in thailand. im psyched cuz thats some badass scenery. altho they said its during monsoon season, so i dont really get that...if its storming all the time and the 16 are in hiding every day thats not gonna make for good tv. we shall see. anybody over 21 who reads...send in an audition tape! i would LOVE to know someone on the show. too bad derrick is too young...he'd be my first nomination.

while i was watching i was wondering if i really would do it. i mean, id love the competition and the challenge but i dont think id win...for sure they'd vote my know it all gossipy ass off. but do i want to offer myself up to the world so they can decide my character? it could wind up giving me the world's biggest complex. and a million dollars couldnt get rid of that. on that show you're *you* is really out there for all to see and judge. thats kind of scary. very different from an online journal. id do it anyway because id do just about anything for one million dollars and the life that kind of money can provide, and to see how far i could get. what parts of me would come out and when. if i was up to it. etc. send in tapes!!

tomorrow is a holiday here. im working from 10-3 because sweetheart manager johnny switched my shifts so that id end well before the yoga class and not risk missing it. since ive been working for the company straight since january i qualify for time and a half tomorrow. thats upwards of 9 bones an hour, to wait tables, plus tips. that is ever so fine with me. and work was REALLY good to my wallet this past weekend. maybe tomorrow will still have some of that to it, since noone has to work. if so, cha-ching!

i brought home some cat grass for the kitties. just as i suspected, eevee was right into it. they sniff at it like crazy, but only she was brave enough to rip some off and chomp it back. its so cool to me that *someone* *sometime* figured out that this random plant and felines go together. amazing. science or coincidence? its just cool.

this morning the guy with the lips had to take a good thing and ruin it....by speaking. you know...someone can be so attractive to you until they open their mouths and icky stuff comes out. but we did discuss it like friends, it didnt get heated or aggressive or attack-y. he considered stuff and i just find him so interesting, and he does back up the way he feels and is honest about it...even if in my opinion its backdated thinking (do i get half a point for a who-word?). so anyway after that for the first few hours at work he kinda weakened his appeal. but by end shift he had it back. its those stinkin lips i tell ya.

i cant believe this. its fucking midnight and someone has decided to turn on their bass. you gotta be fucking kidding me. last night someone was blaring it so bad i went and got my landlord so he could hear first hand what i have been putting up with. it went on for hours last night, but at ten i guess the perp went out because it stopped and i was able to fall asleep. but my landlord went downstairs to both apartments below me, and neither of them were home! so now we think that its the fucker in the triplex attached to mine to the south. jesus h christ. its never gonna stop. and now that ive moved my sleep-couch into the orange room its so much worse. im like right fucking on top of the bass. not good. not good at all.

im dyin of thirst over here. i should stock my fridge with all kinds of beverages. and yet i dont. why stephanie, why!!!

so i dont think i have much else worthy of reporting. nope, its official. i dont.

peace out lovers and other strangers

--aint nothin gonna breaka my stride--