habit

what up, blood? im real drag-assed tired, but the expos are tied at 1 in the 9th vs curt schilling, so i'm up.

last night i innocently went to see a movie and wound up out till 1 am. at the MOVIES!? whats up with the late start times in the summer? me and joel went to see minority report, for him twas the second time, and i really dug it. spielberg's got some awesome vision and what an idea and that it was carried out so well....awesome. some really cool stuff in the flick too. thumbs up. that thumbs up and down thing is pretty tired, isnt it? i should come up with a new rating system....instead of thumbs up it can be nipples hard. =) especially if tom cruise is starring. but anyway.

the best part of the evening, other than just being in joel's company which any regular reader knows i love, because its just always so silly and light and fun but still real...was the fact that joel had his grandfather's vehicle...i nearly fell over when i saw it. a convertible volvo...a small little gorgeous thing. i was in love with it in an instant....what a sweet sweet sweet vehicle. there was no question: top down...i would have been happy to just be the passenger in that thing for three hours. life is good in a convertible with the top down on a hot hot night with a friend with whom you laugh. good stuff.

to backtrack a bit further into yesterday, i ran into alexis on my way to the gym yesterday...she's one of the folks who shares my place of employment...and she told me she found my journal online. see, i had told her one of my mexico tales, and she got all doey eyed over it and didnt want it to end...so she's hooked, like an addict...looking for another good story. sorry alexis, instead you just get me griping about the heat and the expos. how disappointing. =)

its so weird to hear from someone face to face that theyve been reading...im excited that they like it, but it also feels like someone just ripped your towel off when youve just stepped out of the shower. its a very strange experience that i guess only fellow journalers.

YYESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!! EXPOS WIN ON A VLADDY BOTTOM OF THE NINTH HOMER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AGAINST WORLD SERIES WINNERS FIRST PLACE DIAMONDBACKS. and here i am at home, while the announcers say its the hardest ball they ever saw guererro hit. boo, me. but YAY TEAM!!!!!! what a huge victory, to take the series from the big boys. woooooooo!!

man, i dont understand people who dont love this sport. today mini-me peter was spouting 'baseball isnt even a sport' crap. if i could have flushed him down the toilet (and i think he might fit) i would have.

on the expos note (right now vlad is talking to the radio guys, very cool cuz requires a spanish translator) today someone walked in alone who i immediately suspected was an expo, but i didnt recognize him and he wasnt wearing the usual telltale brand new running shoes. but he did sit down with the paper and go immediately to the sports section and read the baseball write up, and i just had the feeling it was a pitcher...so i sent the host over to check it out. turns out it was an expo, and i went over and introduced myself, apologizing for not knowing who it was. it was new relief pitcher dan smith, and he was really nice tho i think my forwardness kind of took him by surprise. im much calmer dealing with them now, as opposed to the start of the season, so thats good. i dont sound as looney tunes anymore.

and it was important i talked to him anyway, because ive been nervous about my coach friend. not only has nobody seen him lately in the restaurant, but his phone went from full voice mail to being out of service, and he didnt take to the field after the team's win the other night. so i asked dan about tom, and it turns out that there was sad news for him, his sister passed away and he went home for a spell. i was so saddened to hear that...i wont say that i love tom, but i have a big soft spot for him...and not because of the free tickets...those have been the icing. tom has just been so kind to me, and so informative and a source of super interesting stories and angles and we have a sort of friendship i guess. last time he came in i was like 'hey, old man!' and he made a face of mock surprise and smiled and laughed at my nerve. he can take a joke. i like the guy. anyway, im just glad he's....not gone. i wanted to say ok, but he just lost his sister. anyway, you all know what i mean.

after work i had an appointment for waxing. it went really well, the girl doing it was fast and though she barely spoke english it was as pleasant as having your body hair ripped from its root with hot wax can be. until they billed me...it was 20 bux more than usual. their new cuntbag (sorry, harsh, but so true) manager talked in circles, and i paid, and was polite, but clearly pissed. then i left and paid for my parking and took the little ticket..and noticed they somehow got a drop of wax on my jeans. i only had twenty minutes to leave since i had paid for the parking, but i ran back to find out how to care for my jeans...after they just pissed me off i wasnt about to let it slide.

i get there and sure enough they cant do much about it and its left a small mark. theyre my work jeans so im not caring much in reality, but i stopped in to see cuntbag once more, to mention how now not only am i extremely disappointed with my service for the day but my jeans are stained likely permanently to boot, and that im usually pleased with their company (yves rocher) but that im very not happy right now. and i did this all in french because their fucking store manager cant speak a word of english (in a bilingual country and a predominantly english neighborhood). i stood their waiting for her reply and she just looked at me and said: ok. what a stunning people person! what customer service!

i just gave up and left right then because i didnt want to lose my temper. i went down to the car with the ticket paid in hand, and got in and drove up to the bar to put the ticket in the machine to raise the bar...and wouldnt you fucking know it...the ticket was gone. vanished. im like 'what the fuck??' and of course there are like 3 cars instantly waiting behind me. i get out and search for it and its NOWHERE, and i know i have to get out of the way. i feel like an idiot. they back up to let me move, and i dump my bag on the seat. i search under the seats. the ticket is nowhere. i fear i'll have to pay again, and after paying so large for the wax there just aint no way. where did the ticket go?! im now so pissed at myself for being pissed in the first place and causing this to happen...that im just SUPERFUCKINGPISSED.

i storm back upstairs and tell the building dude what happened, and swear that ive paid. im annoyed now also because the building staff all get a 50% discount at the restaurant, and god knows they milk the fuck out of it, eating there several times a day, and we get shit all in the garage and pay full price...such bullshit. so im DOUBLY not gonna pay again. and i want to run across and kick cuntbag in the crotch. and i just want to go see my mom, who arrived last night at midnight. and i want to break something. he makes 22 phone calls and im fuming and finally he just gives me a pass out saying 'im not supposed to do this'. oh, my fucking hero. first of all, i remember perfectly that you left me NO TIP last time i served you, and second of all, why didnt you give me the fucking thing from the getgo you stingy bastard!?

needless to say, i was in a bad mood.

but then chom played 'goodbye blue sky' where the kid says 'mummy, there's an airplane in the sky' at the start and thats music for you...it mellowed me right out. it saved me from probably walking head first into a fight with my mom just for the sake of getting aggravation out. instead, it was a very short visit with my grandmother because my mom was hungry...and then we went to pick up dinner and eat it at her friends house where she's staying.

there was a close call at the store because my dad's brother was there, and he and my mom...its just not good. he's a lawyer and mixed in and made it very hard for my mom and...long story and all ugly. so i commanded my mother back to the car because i couldnt handle any kind of scene, or even them faking being nice to each other. it would have been unbearable. she protested at first, but then went. i went in and saw him and he's such a jerk but in a way that im used to and laugh at, and i said 'arent you supposed to be adults?' and he got this stupid childish grin on his face, a guilty smile...and when i went back to the car my mom was all 'i love you' because she thought i was protecting her. maybe i was, i dont know. i just refuse to see any more ugliness.

when they announced their divorce they still lived in the house together, my dad in the basement. they had never really fought before, but they sure were going at it regularly now. and i couldnt take it, and since they were divorcing, i felt i shouldnt have to. so i would go down to the kitchen and freak out and be the referree: IF YOU ARE GOING TO FIGHT GO DO IT OUTSIDE. I DONT WANT TO HEAR IT. STOP IT NOW, OR GET OUT. i was enraged, completely and totally. and i was kind of scared at how thats exactly what i became in that instant of seeing my uncle in the store today. it was the exact same feeling. that *i* have to control the situation, and resenting it because i cant just be light and innocent and me, because the 'grown ups' dont know how to behave. divorce blows.

but even though i lost my cool and my eyes were teary and i was shaking...it went away as soon as she gave up and went to the car. i may have been mildly tantrumy, but it was a good call. in that moment it felt like i was unravelling...like im a ball of thread and as soon as i put the pieces of FUCK THERE HE IS AND SHE IS HERE together it starts spinning and unwinding...i dont know how else to explain it. if i dont make it stop right then and there i would fall apart.

maybe i should have let them go head to head. maybe they would have surprised me.
but i couldnt risk it. my animal instinct was instant: keep em seperated. and it was animal instinct.

so. me and mom went to leiba's....one of my mom's oldest best friends, who lived on our street where i grew up, with her three boys, one of whom i consider a brother and havent seen in ten years. we ate together and it was alot of fun..she has the cutest little lap dog puppy and i got to play with him and we laughed and stuff...it was nice and fun to see them acting like idiots the way i do with my friends when we're relaxing together...and they really were. its cool to see that as somewhat of an adult. they told me stories of how they used to go to florida together and be crazy...it was good mom time, not 'she's driving me crazy' mom time. =)

and then robert showed up, the son i love like a brother, who i havent seen probably in ten years. which was really great. we just watched our moms for a bit and barely talked...but it just felt good to be there with him. some people you can hug and it feels something so different than a hug from other people.

anyway. came home and had a nice chat with one of the basshole brothers, and then here ive sat ever since. rumors are afloat about key arena being booked by curtis management for early december for 2 nights, a sunday/monday...with the potential for more. thats crazy talk, but im tired and in the weird mood im in im not sure how i feel about that. i mean, i know its good...and i want to be there, but im not seeing it right now...and tho all upcoming pj show info is good info...i kind of dont like how it came out...through snooping rather than a band announcement. oh well....some things are too good to keep wrapped, i guess.

anyway, tis about time i headed to bed. another day like this and i'll never make it through the weekend.
and it looks like i might have to work gary carter sunday. blah.

that new bruce springsteen song is really good. really good.
who's got john cougar discs to burn me?

=)

--what are we running for when there's nowhere we can run to anymore--

im living for the cross breeze up here.

dad split today and i got the car. the car is newly repaired since he tore the bottom out of it driving over some rock and is good as new except for two things:

1. the steering wheel is aligned crooked, which took some adjustment. to drive straight i have to keep it so it looks like im turning right. buncha monkeys put it back together apparently. but thats no big woop.

2. the air conditioning is GONE. over. done. this is not good to the ultimate degree. im driving with all four windows down and its still hotter than a motherfucker (just like me according to ice cube's brother at woodstock 99...thats a good story) at every red light.

so theres no refuge in the car. only at work or in movie theaters....or up here at home when there is a sweet sweet crossbreeze, which there is today. its so awesome i want to make out with it. but it wont stand still long enough. so its a midday blog to create an excuse to not be outside, and not be moving inside. plus, im due.

last night: ZERO crossbreeze. it was fucking torturously hot and disgusting. it would have been good for...things that are best left to the imagination and the dark...but that wasnt an option. instead i just sat by the fan and watched 'pollock' until i fell asleep. good flick, but the heat put me out.

with the humidity last night it was 38 degrees, which for dumb philiadelphians who dont know their ass from their face (altho with this philadelphian thats kind of understandable) thats about 106 degrees. supposedly it poured briefly overnight, but i missed it. and it did nothing to cool the temps. its freakin hot.

so dad has taken off and tomorrow mom lands. funny timing those two have. this means two things:

1. tomorrow night i forfeit seeing randy johnson pitch to go pick mom up at the airport. if that is indeed when she gets here. just as well, i cant catch hold of the coach for some freebies. he's a hard man to catch.

2. i have to clean up this damned place. dishes, laundry, garbage, bathroom...and id love to defrost my freezer...but then all the shite in my fridge would spoil. *sigh*. i cant even get the door to shut on it properly. the ice has taken over. anyway, i have to clean up with a capital NOW. its the mothership about to land.

i cant wait to see signs.

is there air conditioning at bingo?

ive received an invitation, which feels wonderful...but i dont know what to do. and thats all im saying in here. =)

so check it...my manager is cool as shit. gary carter here i come: i got sunday off. yesterday at work my former manager came in for breakfast, so i introduced them. i had already asked costa (my new manager) for sunday off, telling him if i got an extra bobblehead it would be his (he was really digging this idea, especially for the vladdy doll). he said he'd think about it. anyway, my old manager works at a place with a big expensive arcade, right nearby. he gave me two free game cards. i showed costa. costa says:
--if you give me one of those cards, you are off sunday--
forget please and thank you. the magic words are:
--if you give me one of those cards, you are off sunday--
it was in his hand in less than two seconds. i would have given him both, and little does he know i could probably get stacks of them if i wanted. i was so excited i kissed him on the cheek and did a happy dance. woooooooo! it was too easy. and i can go with me mommy. ummm...maybe i shouldnt be so quick to presume she'll want to, though. anyway, whatever. im off and thats what counts.

the big fat bunny on the balcony below and across from my kitchen balcony is lying out there munching on a bread crust. very cute stuff. all chewin on the side of his mouth like a bunny is known to. my cats are stretched out on my bed....they stretch out in the heat, never curl into a ball. they hang out on there together all the time now. its cute. theyve found a mutual share zone.

mmm, this breeze.

monday mission on tuesday. late bloomer.

1. What is your favorite snack food? Does anyone you know have weird tastes in snacks?

my favorite is probably delicious cheese filled combos...combos really cheeses your hunger away. luckily i dont have easy access to them, else id be a freakin human combo. im a big fan of these new ketchup rice cake minis too though. as for weird taste in snacks..yes. i know lots of weird eaters, lots. many of them are listed there on the left *cough jess and alex cough* and j really takes the cake, putting his snack food in with his meals alot of the time. then theres people like *cough sheri cough* who are more like me: put it in front of us and its our new favorite. =)

2. Ever caught yourself saying "well it can't get any worse" and it does? What's the story there?

no...im more of a 'what doesnt kill you makes you stronger' and 'murphy's law--whatever can go wrong, will' kind of cliche user. but i think with age has come the belief that no matter how bad it might seem it could always be worse...that its never as bad as all we dramatize it to be. we are generally a pretty lucky society.

3. What's your attention span like and how has it served you?

if im interested i can pay attention for a very long time, but it depends on the situation. my brain can race ahead and think of questions about whats just been said...and i interrupt alot for backstory...i can always get it back on track, and i know it can be annoying, but i cant help it. i blame it on my writer's mind and curiosity. i want full disclosure. if im only mildly interested i can look like im listening and really get lost in my own thoughts, and not even know im doing it until i snap out of it and realize ive missed a bunch of connecting words from the speaker. i think this happens to everyone.

4. Do you believe in the existence of extra-terrestrials?

wouldnt surprise me one bit. if we had the formula for life on this planet, in so many variations...why not somewhere else?

5. What do you think of the whole "crop circles" phenomenon?

i think: dude.
and i cant wait for signs!

6. Ever had a time where you begin visiting with someone you don't know all that well and just find you "click" like long lost pals? Tell me about how that came to happen, and who was it? What kind of things do you have in common?

this happened in mexico, one afternoon on the beach that started out all light and silly, and turned into a real conversation with depth and philosophy and the sharing of insecurities and life experiences. what we had in common that day was being single in a mostly couples situation, and our age group. in the moment we had in common a shared attitude and mood. in life we share a love for music and just talk well together. this is my friend out in portland. this is a topic im not comfortable discussing in here.

7. What funeral do you remember most vividly?

damn, snack food, crop circles, cool meetings and funerals? im not going to be a downer and go into heavy detail...but there are things i remember vividly from a bunch of funerals ive been to. at my dad's cousin's funeral i remember my mother saying 'everyone is here, except your father' over and over, because it was a surprise death and a big turnout and my dad was on the road and couldnt make it back. she sounded annoyed and somewhat ashamed. at that same funeral i watched the deceased's teenage daughter hugging her friends after the services and just sobbing and hugging them and not letting go, and feeling heartbroken because she lost her father and i couldnt (and still cant) imagine trading places with her.

i remember my dad's brother running away from the grave at my grandmother's funeral...just turning and bolting, and how sad that was and confusing to me as a child watching an adult....id never seen someone do that.

i remember standing next to my brother and cousin's at my grandfather's funeral and listening to him crack jokes, that were very funny. thats his way of dealing with sadness....make it funny, pretend to be above it...and me elbowing him to shut up and stop it, but laughing just the same. my brother.

i remember the near panic i felt at dean's funeral, because i was sure cari was going to throw up in her pocket right beside me. she was hungover after a horrible night where vodka was abused to try to calm pre double funeral for people our own age nerves...and it was a mess. i hurt for the family and friends, and just on my own, and i worried about cari and it was just a horrible day.

and most recently i remember being really proud of anita as she spoke at her grandmother's funeral...really calmly and clearly and emotionally...she did beautifully.

and thats enough of that. i could go on...the more i think about it the more comes back to me, and i dont need to be sitting here recounting who's been lost. holy heavy. christ. id rather think about the snack foods, no offense to those who have passed. im sure theyd understand.

i think its time to go watch the end of pollock. and then to do the aforementioned cleaning. and watch friends. and the mole.

later mayhaps.

--are you looking for answers to questions under the stars?
if along the way, you are growing weary
you can rest with me until a brighter day, and you’re ok--

that makes 4. 4 bobbleheads. like the tim raines dolly, i won this one natural. just on karma. i walked through, and it was mine. my dad was denied both times. oh well. andre dawson looks like he could slap on a uniform and do some damage. he's in great shape...and the crowd loved him. i had the pictures i took in the dugout in 1980 with me and i wanted to give him a copy of the one of him...but i was shut out in the autograph line...with about 20 people ahead of me to go.

i think the karma is just justice. i have the expos in my heart. do the gods of random bobblehead distribution know this? i dont know, but so far theyre doing an awesome job. i ran into a friend in line, who was leaving after the second inning (criminal!), who told me that he had 7 tickets on tim raines day...and not one doll.

not that i feel its my right or that i deserve them or that its gonna be easy...i was plenty jumpy going through. but it feels really nice to open it and see congratulations in the little ticket. two left, gary carter and vlad. and im more nervous about getting those days off work than anything else. with dad going on the road (he leaves tuesday) and us being short staffed at the restaurant...i dont like my chances. if i send a proxy will my karma transfer onto them? can i find someone to take my shifts? i do have the extra tim to trade for one of those two if i am shut out....but i am kinda stressing it, at this point. need someone who understands to be willing...not sure i know a person like that. kind of sad.

someone offered me 20 bucks for the doll. i was like 'no'. he goes 'how bout 20 american?' inside i was like 'how about you walk the fuck away, do i look stupid to you?' but instead i said 'i should sell you a piece of my heart for 20 american?' and he said 'no, but a piece of that andre dawson doll would be ok' and i was like 'im not selling it no matter what you offer me' and they took a walk. he had four of them in a bag.

i did meet some cool people in line though...two families, one local and one from glen's falls. the glen's falls man was about the nicest person on the planet...just really kind and hokey and friendly and enthusiastic and sweet. the montreal family will be there for gary carter day and need a tim raines...i gave them my number in hopes of a trade...

so it was a beautiful game. the one i was at last night was so horrificly horrid that i lost any will to blog as a result. it was freakin ugly. but today...a cruising victory with colon on the mound and two expo homers and three glorious defensive catches by tatis (who also homered), wilky (rookie of the year or i'll eat my hat) and vlad (who im sad to report is 0 for 8...0 for 8!!!! what the hell is that!?). kind of daunting that the next team in is arizona with randy johnson and curt schilling...but one game at a time.

i just watched bull durham. i LOVE this movie. its no wonder. i should really own it. i'm gonna see every baseball movie out there. i also rented memento again in hopes of staying awake to see what all the fuss is about, and...pollock. ive wanted to see this one forever, and jennifer connelly is in it who i love simply because she was in waking the dead with billy crudup, one of my all time all time favorite movies (that have no fear has not a damn thing to do with baseball).

i could sense it over the phone, and then he confirmed it. it was in his voice. my dad is stressed because of the trip and because of the world's great stressor: fucking stupid ass money. as a result i am stressed and doing everything i can to destress him, which is difficult because i feel like he looks at me while i speak and sees a 6 year old. or maybe i just feel like that...i dont know. it could be worse, but it could be better. and the fact that he talked to me about it at all is pretty major. maybe in his eyes ive finally hit my teens. =) naw, he's just not one to share this stuff. anyway, this feels like private family stuff and im not going to put it on exhibit here.

oh, back to the ballpark for a sec. when i was waiting in the autograph line my heart nearly stopped. walking towards me was a youngish man with an orange beard in a ball cap. he looked pretty happy and had a spring in his step. he was instantly familiar and thts why my heart stopped, because the person he reminded me of died sometime in 2001 (or was that 2000? time, how it moves.). i didnt forget and think it was him for a second, i knew all along, but still i stared and stared...just froze in my tracks. my friend howie, who though we were never especially close, i will celebrate every time i hear brown eyed girl by van morrison, because we danced to that song in very happy times at camp...or at bars in town during camp, i should say. so if i ask you to dance during brown eyed girl, just do me a favor and say yes. the ressemblance was uncanny. it was weird.

today i didnt go to the gym. the body needs some rest and it was a game day. so instead of working out i had french fries AND a chipwich as accompaniments to relatively healthy meals. oops. =) a girl's gotta have some fun though, right?

sheri and alex, this is for you.

holy violation big brother, look at this!

everyone doesnt love marineland. that fucking song is wrong. and its just so damn jolly and sing-alongable. but its false. so fuck them and their happy jolly ways.

this is fun. i did it three times and the best i can 'pull' answering their questions honestly is 63%. can you tell im not a club scene type? as a guy i would score...67. i suck.

all these links are from the web junkie, who writes for my local daily paper. he always has fun stuff and cool shite, and i looked tonight for the first time in a long time. go check it out and play there. i think im out of crap to say.

besides, law and order and all their good music begins in 15.

if you come up with a viable scam other than calling the other locations of my restaurant and begging people who are off to come in and work for me so i can go to gary carter bobblehead day, let me know. im open to suggestion.

party on garth.

--do you remember when we used to sing--