habit

all ive wanted to do all day is watch almost famous.

i was setting up at work this morning, before we opened, and as per the trend lately, i put on the 70s channel. its the one channel the staff can tolerate the longest, because there's a good mix of rock songs (a sample from today: cats in the cradle, honesty, angie, daniel, changes, paradise by the dashboard light, and lots of neil young) and funk/disco songs (easy, dancin machine, i will survive, tons of jackson stuff and funkadelic). the first song in full that came on for me this morning was: tiny dancer. so of course that scene from almost famous played in my mind...god, that may be my favorite movie scene of all time. its just the perfect song for the moment and it captures something so true about friends and music lovers and fights...and i say that as an avid elton john loather.

i gotta own almost famous. so i can watch that scene over and over and over. 'you are home'. *sigh* i dont even know the words to tiny dancer, but i was singing it all day long, and its still in my head right now.

tonight's family dinner was all about max, now 8. the kid is smart as ever, and hilarious, and getting weird. i'll share some of his comments and then im out to watch reality bites and pass out, reality bites being a far second to what i really want to see right now but oh well, i havent seen it in ages and i know i loved it years ago...it'll be interesting to see it again after all this time.

pearl jam filmed a video for i am mine. eddie is mohawkless, allegedly. i fucking LOVE that there's all this excited pearl jam banter floating about, rumors and sightings and info and the ball is rolling again. and life is plugged in as a result. i remember sitting up online with sheri during 2000 tour waiting for setlists just in case they played something super sweet and rare or just a cool combination of songs. we were so gabby and excitable then, and its starting again. yay!!!!!

anyway, max. what a riot.

he wanted me to put on my aunt's lipstick (his grandmother). i was like, no thats germy and gross. but he's become weirdly fixated on it, and he said 'please stephanie, just put some on, you'll be the envy of all your friends.' i swear thats what he said. his mom told me he used that same phrase with her just the other day.

he was getting crazy hyper and tackling me and whacking me with pillows while i was trying to talk to my other cousin. he was messing around with hair mousse that he grabbed from somewhere and it got on his pants. so we were telling him to clean up, and my cousin wound up giving max a wedgie, which led to max just getting rid of his pants altogether, and not long after that, gone too were his undies. me and my cousin were mortified and laughing because max was so absolutely without shame, nude from the waist down and totally comfortable (which is awesome imo) but less awesome was him whipping me in the head with said undies, yelling 'wedgie alert' or some such thing.

finally i got him to stop by saying 'max, there are people here who arent blood relatives and they dont need to see what we just saw'. i dont talk to him like he's a kid at all. he's never been that kind of kid, that was gonna fall for any bullshit like that. so as he's putting the undies back on my uncle walks by in the hallway, max's grandfather. max sees him and says totally deadpan 'well, he's a blood relative...but he's not going to be too pleased.' can you imagine? i could eat him up. me and my cousin cracked up, and sure enough his grandfather came in the room and started going on about maxi's dirty feet etc etc.

basically to nutshell it, i adore this kid, who is coming into his weirdness, which his dad says has been in the works all along, which is true. he is just worlds smarter than i ever was, and maybe even than i am right now. and so delicious too. i asked his mom about the whole 9/11 thing, and she said they talk about it in school so it had to come up. she said his concerns were if the terrorists died, and he seemed to be comforted because they did. then he wanted to know if the towers would be rebuilt, and hoped so. i guess to a child if you fix what broke then everything is ok again. still got that innocence. as he should.

when i was 8 i sure as fuck didnt know the word terrorist, or worry if they lived or died. at synagogue today there was a security guard out front with a machine gun. max asked why and they said because of the whole terrorist thing, its best to be really careful. max said 'how do they know WE arent terrorists?'. from the mouths of babes.

anyway, i had a nice nap before dinner but im still zonkified. time for that reality bite.

--lay me down in sheets of linen...had a busy day today--

ITS A COMIN!!!!! its a beautiful thing. WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

nothing like pearl jam new stuff to rid a day of whatever else happened. it just purely becomes a good day.

even if you have to spend the night at your aunt and uncle's place eating a jewish holiday meal, when the last time you went to that very address for that very reason you wound up sick for three days and pretty much spending more time on the toilet than anywhere else. in grave pain, dont forget. the pearl jam artwork and words 'mixed by brendan obrien' make that all ok.

even if you have to wake up for work at 4:45 tomorrow morning.

even if work today was so quiet you barely made any coin and had an argument with a dumb waiter and served nary an expo. on the brighter side, we have a new employee who turns out to be a cousin of chantal's that i've never met before, but because she is chantal's cousin i immediately have taken under my wing (ok, i dont actually have wings...but ive got her back) and turns out that's cool because she seems like a cool girl even if she werent chantal's cousin. although i am mildly considering asking if the location nearer my house needs people and possibly splitting my work week between the two locations. just to stay closer to home and not spend stupid money on cabs. contemplating.

i was aggravated to start the day because both classes i was considering taking are full up. i am fifth on the waiting list for the class i really wanted, and third for the class i dont especially wish to get in to. and though it is my own fault for being late to register, and could mean that i dont take any classes at all this term--a setback that could have been avoided, and will likely make for a more bored non creatively charged or challenged stephanie...its all ok in the light of today because baby, new pearl jam and then for certain shows shows shows are around the corner.

ok. thats all i really have to say at present.

i can add that mentions of september 11th are showing up here and there in different ways. in the free weekly here, the editorial cartoon is just the two towers in shadow, and nothing else, in stark tribute. there are radio specials, tv specials, and memorials being advertised. each and every one causes a wave of sadness to come over me, and more often than not im pretty sure i will cry, though i havent. i plan to go to a memorial being held at a church not too far from here. its the same place i went to a few days after the 11th, to a planned memorial, and stood out in the street while a gospel choir sang and people around me just stood blankly, or sang along, or wept. i felt better after. so its there i will go again.

anyway. happy rosh hosh. my hebrew teachers would be so proud.

hehee, actually, no, they wouldnt.
=)

--apples and honey for rosh hashana--

two tack on tidbits:

1. for some reason the local channel is showing the last episode of american idol. they didnt show any of the series, so its total bandwagon hype ratings whoredom. and the show is hosted by two morons, and i swear to bejesus that one of them just said 'the tension is getting INTENSER'. intenser!? what the fuck is that!!!!!!???????? hello, so called professional television script writers? its MORE INTENSE. intenser. jesus christ, it makes my skin crawl.

on a similar note yesterday at the bank someone's cell phone rang and it was a mozart piece. i pictured mozart rolling in his grave to hear his composition reduced to a series of off key annoying beeps. then again before i had take me out to the ball game i did have ode to joy. but still.

2. i found the puzzle piece. it was under the middle couch cushion. speaking of odes to joy. =)

gmorning.

its been a bit since the last blog but i havent really felt like writing. ive been busy. things ive accomplished since last i wrote:

--baked two banana breads. too sweet and somehow wound up with green flecks in them, but still incredily edible.

--painted kitchen cabinets chalkboard black. am ready to attach handles but think it would be best done with a drill....and am still being affected by the fumes. oil based paint yknow.

--stained two ikea plant stands. one job not so well done, then i got the hang of it.

--cleaned entire place for landlord's son and wife surveillance in hopes of getting a new kitchen floor and bathroom vanity/toilet. they came over and looks like i'll go 0 for 2. i forgot to request the third thing though, so i have to chat with them again. the son kept jokingly saying he wants my place. i did NOT find it funny.

--spent good times with chantal. we ate at amazing veg place where for the first time i tried the veggie fish and the veggie beef. the 'fish' was too tough and lacking the flavor i was looking for, but the 'beef'...oh my salivating. it was killer amazing delicious. too good. for 5 seconds there i was like THIS IS TOO GOOD. MUST EAT MEAT but that wore off. it was crispy and ever so tasty. cant wait to have it again.

--hung out a wee bit with anita and j and marnie and axl uhh i mean sue. had to leave because of work labor day so didnt get as much time there as i would have liked. major news on that front: lenny no longer attacking me!! him being fixed mean he isnt out to kill the smell of his brother anymore!! woo! i wonder what would happen if we brought mac and eevee and lenny together now.

--hung out a wee bit with chantal's sister and cousins all of whom i probably havent seen in about 10-15 years. it was a hoot. they're all supercool. and then they came to eat breakfast the next day. i hope they come more.

--missed the ball game last night so missed the expos turning a triple play. goddammit!

--made semi major headway on my puzzle but somehow insodoing i lost a piece! there are ten zillion pieces of just shades of grey, but NOOO i lose the piece that has the bottom of her right glove in it. FUCK. but i know its in here somewhere, i had it in place just the other day. and i imagine the piece lying still, tiny and quietly wherever it is, just waiting for me to find it and it drives me CRAZY. ive looked under my couches like ten times each. obsessive/compulsive much? anywho, i have all three bodies and umbrellas done. now its all background. its gonna be a nightmare.

--the fumes from the paint and stain and turpentine are giving me a clouded head feeling. blech. and the tub of cookie dough ice cream i ate last night for dinner is doing quite a number on me too.

--speaking of tubs, i joined the gym opening right nearby yesterday. i am so psyched. its a bit pricy but holy convenience and it looks to be gorgeous. also gives me five days of no working out guilt free---my membership at the other place is expired and this place doesnt open till saturday. anyway its gonna have yoga and step and the elliptical trainers i love and if i have to pee i can literally run home to do it and go back. ok, thats a bit excessive, but if i wanted to i think i could. =)

--im thinking about hiring a handyman for a few hours work. i need my shower curtain holder redrilled into the ceiling, it looks like its being tugged out by the weight of my shower-curtain-with-pockets, i need the handles attached in the kitchen, i need my curtain rod attached in my bedroom, etc. as a result of no curtain and my job ive completely lost my ability to sleep in. not that the curtain will help a lick, its sheer white. anyway, if a friend would do it i would gladly buy them dinner, and i even own a drill....but i dont know if i have the right parts or a friend who would know what to do with em anyway. if i tried to do it myself im sure it wouldnt be pretty. id probably wind up with a convertible apartment and a third eye drilled in over my nose.

--i am amazed by people's lack of ability to see pearl jam's sense of humor. at the start of single video theory, a video they made of themselves in studio practicing before a tour, they each arrive seperately and take a punch card off a wall and 'punch in'. thats always been a favorite part of mine, because they are acting all serious for our entertainment. i love when they're funny. meanwhile, years later, people in the newsgroup are debating whether or not they actually punch in on a timeclock. HELLO!!!!! they are in a band, not at the 7-11 for chrissakes. if i didnt laugh id be seriously perturbed by people that are humorless or on lord knows what plane.

--i watched america's sweethearts for the sole reason that john cusack is in it. i shouldnt have. i watched pearl harbor, and that wasnt too bad, even if the love story in it is totally predictable and hokey.

--15 days till the new survivor. BRING IT. oh dude, there's a stephanie. she's gonna get booted and i can close my eyes and imagine its me. 'stephanie, bring me your torch'. oh jeff, i'll bring you a lot more than that, baby. umm, am i saying this out loud? there's also a dude who looks like my former roommate pud. and someone who reminds me of a former evil acquaintance. ohmygoodness i am wayyyyyyyy too excited about this. plus the next seasons of the amazing race and the mole cant be too far behind. wooo. speaking of which, they are accepting applications for the amazing race 4. anyone wanna pair up?

--queens of the stone age are on letterman tonight.

--labor day monday was busy as hell at work. i ran like a moron for about three hours straight, but never totally went over the edge into out of controlness. and by the end of it i had made a pretty penny.

--school. i was thinking of taking two classes to get all the requisite courses over with towards the certificate in journalism. but they fall on a tuesday night 6 till 8 (my day off from work =/) and on a thursday night 6-8. anita's class is on wednesday nights. total suckage. i checked the calendar and there isnt one class that corresponds with her class that i could take for the sake of the pre-class dinner and hanging out. plus do i really want a class on my day off?? plus that second class is taught by the teacher i loathe. and i have to decide soon. late registration is already happening and the classes could fill. mofo i hate decisions. guidance! i need guidance!

i think thats it for this morning. its been about an hour and its 11 a.m and i should make with a game plan for the day, which is wide open ahead of me. i should probably buy some groceries since i think i have a fridge full of condiments, but eh, im not too motivated in that department. we shall see.

later skaters.

--some day the answer will find us...quite a long shot but anyway
i think the past is behind us...be real confusing if not but anyway
i put all my hope in tomorrow...it's gonna be great i can tell anyway
i see a new day dawning, i like to sleep late, oh well, but anyway--

waking up at 8 am with a wicked stomach ache after you go to bed at 3 is not fun. i repeat, not fun.

falling back asleep and staying that way till noon...thats alot better.

i got up and called anita and made with being productive from the getgo. did the dishes. returned movies and picked up ingredients for banana bread and bought paint for the kitchen. i proceeded to paint the outer casing of my cupboards (everything but the doors themselves which will be in blackboard) black. it looks kind of goth for the moment, but once its done and has the shiny new handles attached and i can draw and write on em...it'll be better.

theres gonna be alot of painting going on actually. im gonna finish the kitchen with red, once i select the red of choice, and then im going to paint a DADO (martha stewart word!!) in my puzzleroom/hallway/living room. thats the lower section of the wall, below the moulding that runs through it. i saw it in a magazine (martha) where there is pattern on top and solid color on the bottom and it looks great. plus this way i dont have to repaint the whole of it...that would be a MASSIVE job. and i dont really mind the sponge work (white on this pinky beige) thats been here since i moved in (you can see it in the 'in my tree' picture). i'm thinking the DADO will be a dusty rose kind of color, a lighter shade of whichever red i choose.

right now the black, like i said...goth city. im worried about it being kind of harsh, but hopefully it will all come together nicely. i have to go with a red that isnt loud or bright...something deep and soothing and cozy. not glaring. very importanto.

so after fancy manicured nail girl finsihes her pretty nails she paints with black oil paint. dumb me, i should have bought gloves to paint with, or bought turpentine/paint thinner to remove it. but i didnt. so i type this with black splotches all over my hands. quelle jackass.

anyway, while the paint dried i whipped together two more lowfat banana breads...no butter or egg yolks, but chocolate AND butterscotch chips. heheeh so much for low fat. chantal came over and we scoffed some back...super tasty.

i didnt eat one healthy thing today. total junkfest.

i didnt get around to dye-ing my hair. chantal is all like 'dont do it!' because its a lighter shade. but my hair is so dark it wont really lighten anyway, so im curious to see what its gonna be. if its gross i'll just dye over it in two days anyhow.

chantal came over late, and we mostly just talked and looked at old pictures. i told her in detail about my dad's abdominal aneurysm, and about nick in san francisco. these major things that went on in our lives while we werent very in touch. she was living in england then, with a nick of her own. we found our elementary school class photos and had a good laugh at those, reminiscing, and doing that happy/sad thing i only started doing recently when looking at the good old days. there's no going back. thats really a shame.

and then there's danielle. chantal's little sister. i had a good time with danielle but chantal wasnt too into me hanging around her too much back when we were kids. i havent seen danielle...it might be 15 years since the last time. but i saw her tonight. it was crazy. i cant even believe it...im still kind of in shock. i didnt know id be seeing her, and she was really great. funny and sweet and so not a kid anymore. too bad we couldnt all hang together for a bit longer. great to see her, great little girl. still a brat. lots of hugs.

so that brings us current, you and me. should i dye my hair now, or wait till the morning to do it? what? speak up, i cant hear you? oh i see how it is. our relationship its all take take take. you read and you read but where are you when i need to know when to dye my hair?!! cat got your tongue??

oh! speaking of cat! earlier i decided to check with my landlord to see if he had any turpentine so i could get this shit off my hands, but my downstairs basshole stopped me and asked me if i lost a kitten. i said no, but that i sure wanted to see it. last night a woman found the kitty nearby, and said she'd be taking it to the spca. they said no no no, theyd take her in, but they didnt know what to do with her. i knew anita and j were planning to check out the spca for a possible second kitty, so i took her over to meet them. she was beautiful...teeny tiny and grey with white feet, so cute.

course its too risky to just keep a cat when you have a cat already, you gotta check for feline leukemia and other such fun things, so they sent her back with me. i was already becoming attached to the little darlin, so it was time to return her. as i was walking down my street toward home a woman on her balcony was smoking a butt and yelled over the railing to me in french: is that your cat? when did you find that cat? she came running down in a beeline, and it was HERS!! sure enough she had lost it the night before, she thinks it fell off her balcony. what were the chances that she'd be out on her balcony the exact minute i was walking back with the kitty? it took so many events to lead up to that event...j and anita wanting a second, me being home on a saturday afternoon when id normally be at work....just a long series of weird coincidence...or no coincidence at all. just life being weird and wonderful. she was so happy, hell, so was i. she hugged me three times, and i went into the bassholes slum-pit and told them the kitty was with its rightful owner and they were all 'awesome'. and home i came.

speaking of bassholes, there has been a change in the lineup. turns out that the one with the propane bbq and the leaking gastank and his girlfriend were just summer subletters, and now the school semester bassholes are back. then the brothers: Mohawk and NoUndies are still there. i like NoUndies...there's something about him. two original bassholes have returned...one with orange hair and one who is pretty nondescript. anyway. their place...holy yuck. i cant even believe its essentially the same apartment as mine. what a mess. i felt like monica geller in there. i just wanted to throw them all out and clean it up. it takes ALOT for me to feel that way so you can imagine. grime-o-rama.

meanwhile, how crazy that i was even IN there?! it wasnt so long ago i wanted to string them all up by their jugulars. funny, that.

the album of the day today was dave matthews band 'before these crowded streets' and the song of the day was definitely 'the dreaming tree' but 'pig' was a close second although 'walking on the moon' by the police is a close third, because i love that song and the radio is counting down the top 500 rock songs of all time (according to who i wonder) and i heard it through the phone.

i love pig too. pig reminds me of pamstein, because she once said she loved it and i so associate dmb with her....so whenever i hear it i really do think of her...and the message of that song is such one that i need pay attention to...dont waste life worrying about death...its coming so forget it and just live live live....but dave puts it so much nicer. i think i'll let him do the talking tonight. thank you nancies.org.

ooh, lookee! bridge dates have been announced! i wonder who'll be playing this year. holy crikeys, i CANNOT believe its been a year. how on earth is that possible. insanity. absolutely bananas.

gnighty y'all. bye bye august. welcome september. i cant even believe it. sunrise, sunset. where does the time go?

--isn't it strange how we move our lives for another day
like skipping a beat
what if a great wave should wash us all away
just thinking out loud
don't mean to dwell on this dying thing
but looking at blood
it's alive right now
deep and sweet within
pouring through our veins
intoxicate moving wine to tears
drinking it deep
then an evening spent dancing
it's you and me
this love will open our world
from the dark side we can see the glow of something bright
there's much more than we see here
don't burn the day away
don't burn the day
don't burn the day away

is this not enough?
this blessed sip of life, is it not enough?
staring down at the ground
oh, then complain and pray for more from above,
you greedy little pig,
stop, just watch your world trickle away
oh, it's your problem now
it'll all be dead and gone in a few short years

oh, just love will open our eyes
just love will put the hope back in our minds
much more than we could ever know
oh, so don't burn the day away
don't burn the day away

oh, come sisters, my brothers,
shake up your bones, shake up your feet,
i'm saying, open up and let the rain come pouring in
wash out this tired notion
oh, that the best is yet to come
but oh, while you're dancing on the ground,
don't think of when you're gone.

love, love, love, what more is there?
'cause we need the light of love in here
don't beat your head, dry your eyes, let the love in there,
there's bad times but that's okay, just look for love in there

and don't burn the day away
look, here are we,
on this starry night, staring into space
and I must say, I feel as small as dust lying down here

oh, what point could there be troubling
head down, wondering, "what will become of me?"
why concern? we cannot see but no reason to abandon it
the time is short, time, that's all right
maybe I'll go out in the middle of the night,
and take your hand from your eyes, my love
all good things must come to an end sometime

oh, but don't burn the day away
don't burn the day away

oh, come sisters, my brothers,
shake up your bones, shake up your feet,
i'm saying open up and let the rain come flooding in
wash out this tired notion
that the best is yet to come
but, oh, while you're dancing on the ground
don't think of when you're gone
love, love, love, what more is there?
'cause we need the light of love in here
don't beat your head, and dry your eyes, let the love in there
the bad times, well that's okay,
let's just look for love in here, yeah

just let the love in there,
oh love, light up--