habit

its been awhile, my provider got hacked and i couldnt get online. but i dont really care about that.

on tuesday night my friend billy died. even as i type it now, i cant fully believe it, and comprehending it is an excercise that makes my head spin. if i werent so exhausted and drained im sure that my emotions would be spun too. i found out in the late afternoon yesterday. all night i was just confused. this morning that turned to sadness and anger and its just horrible and sad. 26 years old. that is not supposed to be a lifetime.

on tuesday night billy called me. he left me a message at 9:16 pm and greeted me with one of his trademark stephanie greetings and left me his new cell number to call him back. i cant remember when i picked that message up. was it just after? was it early wednesday morning? i dont know. would calling him back have made a difference tuesday night? i'll never know. but he sounded happy. and he had reason to...he passed his bar exam about ten days ago. my gut tells me he was calling to share this with me.

i used to call him my little brother. he would call me big sis when he wanted advice or a favor or when he was working the charm. billy had the charm and charisma in spades, and it wasnt empty or evil...it was actual. when he was in the room there was no mistake about it, because he was the loudest and most energetic person there. and everyone around him would be smiling. that was billy. his tables used to always want him in the picture. if he was on the schedule for a shift then it was a good shift, plain and simplehe was the glue that held us all together...at work, we may have found it impossible to be around any number of people, but noone had issues with billy. he made 'it' fun, no matter what it was. he could drive you crazy, but it was the kind of crazy that had you smiling despite yourself at the peak, not wanting to strangle him. we all loved him. and now he's gone.

when i met him he was happy go lucky. in the end, he struggled with depression and terms like manic and bi polar. but still pulled it together to pass that bar. and what for? it seems like a cruel unnecessary path for such a sweet lovable person. and it seems that way because it is.

i loved him, very much. you would have too. my mind has been playing billy moments like a fucking movie reel that i cant stop. he made us laugh and even now remembering its smiles more than tears. the shock might have a lot to do with that. but there's not much to smile about. i've lost a friend, and i cant imagine what this is like for his family. he took up a big bright space...and now there will be a big dark hole for them. and essentially, the world.

happy endings. they dont exist. not really.

memo: life is short. find the roses, and smell them.

--fare thee well, fare thee well, i love you more than words can tell--

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred moments so dear
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure - measure a year?

In daylights - In sunsets
In midnights - In cups of coffee
In inches - In miles
In laughter - In strife

In - Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure a year in the life

How about love?
How about love?
How about love?
Measure in love

Seasons of love
Seasons of love

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Journeys to plan
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure the life
Of a woman or a man?

In truths that she learned
Or in times that he cried
In bridges he burned
Or the way that she died

All
It's time now - to sing out
Tho' the story never ends
Let's celebrate
Remember a year in the life of friends

Remember the love
Remember the love
Remember the love
Measure in love

Measure, measure your life in love

Seasons of love ...
Seasons of love

september tenth. september tenth.

last year i wrote up september 10th at 4:30 in the morning...the early morning of september 11th. this is what was important to me on that day, the last day of a certain way of living. its just interesting to look back, and see how innocent it all was. i was excited about bridge. i was confused about an ex boyfriend just moved back to this city. i posted twice. here is the first:

oh man. there is something i'd like to discuss, but i can't. not here. not now.

the overall result is one big fucking happy me. more to follow, when its more opportune.

right now it is super late. it was a good monday. i took my lazy arse to the gym. i dyed my hair blue black. i spoiled myself and ordered in chinese. i ate a snickers bar. i watered the plants and did the laundry.

i watched britney spears do a horrible lip synch on rosie odonnell. but i have to say the dancing was amazing, that 19 year old choreographer really impresses me. i asked jess if she watched rosie today and she said 'no, i hate that whore'. gee, jess, tell me how you really feel. the funny thing is she wasnt talking about britney as the whore, but rosie. i shoulda taped it for her, but thats what reruns are for. i couldnt put my vcr through it.

i bought a cd today. michael jackson, thriller. good stuff. wanna be startin something holds up as a great dance tune, and is really cool in headphones. thriller is a great smooth dancing one too. listening to it brings the video to mind. i think i want to take a dance class, like...janet jackson style. i wonder who i could get to take one with me. probably dumb had-to-move-to-ottawa-pam woulda, but she had to go and move to ottawa. beat it is dated and cheesy, but billie jean is still great. and human nature. good purchase.

ok i'm gonna go finish customizing my new feature: a guestbook! sign it, make me laugh.

have to work lunch tomorrow. gotta be up in about 6 and a half hours. not the best.

when they say why? why? tell them that its human nature.
posted by steph ** at 9/11/2001 04:08:19 AM

that end quote is kind of eerie in retrospect.
what is weird is that today at the gym i listened to thriller, randomly...the first non pearl jam disc ive worked out to in ages.

this is the second post that followed shortly thereafter:

see it happen to a couple of a friends. see it happen and the message it sends. taking off for what's an obvious fall. just to see what all the fuss is about.

never thought you'd habit. and yet my counter reads 701. =)

i thought this name was more fitting. hope you like. and if not, go jump in a lake. go fly a kite. yknow, those things are supposed to be mean spirited, but jumping in a lake and flying a kite are both pleasurable activities.

and also...what do the initials o.k. stand for? where did they come from? why does ok mean ok???

this is my brain on 4 thirty in the morning.
posted by steph ** at 9/11/2001 04:33:37 AM

just goofy silliness. then i went to bed. and then my phone rang. it was sheri, how weird, calling me from florida. 'steph, girl, turn on your tv'. her tone said something was wrong, there was no question. i turned on the tv. nothing has been the same since.

9.11.2001
christ almighty.


joe and chantal. be ok. you have to be.


there is good in the world. there is good in the world.


i cant wrap my head around this. its too big. i get to one airplane being hijacked and thats enough.


and its not over yet. i send positive thoughts into the universe.


i can't believe what i have seen. and people are living (and dying) through it as i type this. i have to go to work.


i send love.
posted by steph ** at 9/11/2001 11:47:01 AM

there wasnt another post for the 11th. its been a year. the fastest fucking 365 days ive ever lived.