habit

do y'all know much about magritte? he painted the 'ceci n'est pas un pipe' painting, which means 'this is not a pipe' ....which he scrawled under what most certainly is a pipe. i saw his exhibit when it came to town years ago, and loved it. and im reminded of it now because:

this is not a journal. it looks like one and it acts like one and it smells like one but....its not.

it is where i write thoughts and occurences and such....but its so tightly edited...on some days there is more i dont say than i could ever say. its accessed by people in my life that any journal would be full of stuff about...and this just isnt, because i know they read. so i cant be totally honest or open...well i can be, but i choose not to.

i will say this. its weird how in just one week i can learn about friendship and friends and the importance of that. and while knowing that just totally fucking being disappointed in a related category, except its not too late. oh well, on one hand i know im just full of misery, but the other hand feels really cheated and cheapened. it all comes down to nothing so its just as well left unsaid. it is how it is, a wise friend once told me.

the last two days have started in fine moods that come afternoon quickly descend into foul flat 'whats the point in any of this' moods. and dont write me to cheer me up...i dont care. it is how it is and im fine feeling this way.

i rented three movies to stare at while time passes me by. all three are drama suspense crap and are probably identical. i just wanted to be in and out of hellish blockbuster and home as fast as possible. the client, extreme measures, twilight. *shrug*.

west nile virus has killed a man in montreal. its epidemiriffic! next summer should be a hoot. i'll spend it wrapped in gauze. like the mummy.

jess pointed out that i didnt mention word one about the new survivor. its true, i forgot and then didnt care enough to post. but dont get me wrong: its amazing. i love it. the tribes were picked the way we picked teams in camp and elementary school, and wound up being one kind of younger team, and one kinda less in shape older team. and the older team rock! go old team! the younger team is so cocky and obnoxious...i cant wait for them to disintegrate with infighting and ego. its gonna rule. YOU MUST WATCH.

i saw bono on tv yesterday too. smart dude, good heart. shame about prices to see him perform though.

its hot like a bitch. i think some hurricane is messin shit up with the temps and conditions right now...tore through indiana yesterday...where tim is from. this weekend is that wedding in pittsburgh that im clearly not at...and i just found out that farm aid is takin place thereabouts nearby. and the line up is willie nelson, john cougar, neil young and dave matthews, among others. FUCK thats awesome. well, it would have been were i there i mean. i gotta get cougar in my collection already. and dave is on the board for farm aid now. more good hearted musicians.

nothing is cuter than when mac lies on his back, paws up. what a big white fatsy cat.

friday five. the irony of the subject matter....coincidences...everything happens for a reason, i swear.

1. Would you say that you're good at keeping in touch with people?

sometimes. im real good at wishing i had five more minutes with people i have to say good bye to. just five more minutes. and at having regrets.

2. Which communication method do you usually prefer/use: e-mail, telephone, snail mail, blog comments, or meeting in person? Why?

i love snail mail because i think i write good letters and love to read them too. im also a huge phone whore and email maniac....and chilling in person is fun too. so all of the above with the exception of blog comments.

3. Do you have an instant messenger program? How many? Why/why not? How often do you use it?

i have one and i use it every time im online.

4. Do most of your close friends live nearby or far away?

far away.

5. Are you an "out of sight, out of mind" person, or do you believe that "distance makes the heart grow fonder"?

i believe both.


wow, what a pick me up.

ok im done. time to eat something. saturdays are my day off from the gym and day to eat whatever the fuck. altho i did eat an entire pint of ben and jerry's half baked this week, very much not on a saturday so...=)

more from the history books:
august 16, 2001
oh how awesome is this: billy, one of my top five favorite people from work who i love like a brother was driving me home, and i asked if he wouldnt mind stopping at the open late grocery so i could grab me a romaine lettuce. he said sure. it was 5 to midnight when we got to the door and it was locked. the sign said open till midnight. so i yelled thru the door at the security guard saying 'hey you should still be open' but all i got was head shaking and finger wagging. grr. but billy went and somehow managed to get her to open the door and he was all over it 'by law the store has a contract with the clients to stay open till midnight and its clearly five minutes away and all we want is one item and blah blah blah' and next thing i know we are in the produce section. gotta love a law student. it was so great. fight the power!

--i always thought that i'd see you again--

so im ready to write.

i needed to not for awhile, plus it was fitting to keep the onus on billy. it still is, but in a more accepting way. those stages of grief, man whoever figured them out was right on the money. im trying to accept this and get through my day without getting overly upset. i will forever think it wrong that he's gone, but i know its the truth.

it was really hard and sad and living it was rough enough without coming home at night and rehashing it all here. its not like i'll ever forget what this has been like and felt like. luckily i didnt have to go through it alone...many of my old coworkers have been reconnected through this, and kelcey was a godsend.

this journal too has shown itself to be an immeasurable treasure. i searched through the archives and found some entries where i document some billy and me memories, and it brought back some of the absolute pleasure that was being his friend when the fun was on. i find myself talking to him alot more, and im not sure if its because i feel him around me or believe that now he is everywhere, or if im feeling guilty about not being in touch with him over the last months and am trying to be a better friend to him now than i was while i still had the chance. maybe both.

there's a lot of laughter and being tickled that i wont ever experience now without him on earth. selfishly, that is my loss. those looks that he had just for me, when i would be a smart ass and we would debate something silly and i'd out talk him and he'd know i had him checkmated and he'd get all jumpy and frustrated and laugh and be like YES STEPHANIE and walk away grinning. because he knew me, and he loved me. fuck, this should never have happened.

ok.

i can talk about other things. maybe in the coming days i will talk about his funeral, and the wake, and visiting him up on the mountain just nearby where he is buried. but not tonight. my heart already feels squeezed at this point having said the above, so thats enough for now.

almost. thanks to all of you who wrote me with love and concern and condolences. ive got great friends and im gonna do all i can to enjoy em all as much as i can and be good to em. someone sent me some deep thoughts by jack handey to make me laugh. and it worked. i loved this one:

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade
at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe
it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while
they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at
them.

so. of the last ten days ive been to the gym 9 of em. good stephanie. but ive also got a mostly eaten container of ben and jerry's half baked in my freezer....choco and van ice cream with brownies and cookie dough inside. it was a new flavor and i had to have me some. gooooooooooood stuff.

ive been thinking alot about how billy struggled and how i tried so hard to help during that time. and that maybe i should go to school and do that professionally. in the social work kind of way. since i didnt get into either class i wanted, im going to research that a bit. i know its kind of out of the blue, but its also kind of who i am. im always trying to find solutions for other people, and sometimes im pretty good at it. just an idea kicking around in my head.

mac and eevee are the cutest things ever.

so the line up for bridge school this year has been announced and holy crikeys is it ever sweet. neil young, james taylor, tenacious d, thom yorke, foo fighters one night, the other ones (aka the grateful dead sans jerry) the other night, and ryan adams and jack johnson. holy moly, what a frickin awesome line up. jack johnson and ryan adams are both backburnery on that list, but i like them both. its just missing some estrogen, namely in the form of ani. and if ani were on that bill, id be buying plane tickets, even without pearl jam.

lots has been going on with pearl jam but ive kind of not been caring too much. i mean, i still read the newsgroup and am curious about what they are saying and if shows are announced...but its all kind of faded to grey. it'll come back to me, but right now its just not important. i cant get all fired up about it. maybe there are messages in those songs that might help me make sense of whats happened....but i'll have to wait to hear those. its just not the time.

anita and i talked about going to see miss ani in ottawa once more, november 25th. sounds like a good plan. but ani oh ani why have you forsaken la belle province?? and what the hell!? looks like neil diamond is touring to ottawa, toronto, edmonton, bc and frickin calgary but NOT montreal!?? whats up with that? jeez mon. oh, look, i can sit behind the stage in ottawa for neil diamond for a mere 212 dollars, with a friend. BEHIND the stage. heheheheheh! and yet, someone will buy that ticket.

not me though.

ask me again if i win the lottery tomorrow.

speaking of which, played bingo with kelcey and chantal and ian last night. we were one number away from 1000 greenbacks. it was crazy exciting, and then it just sucked. because the person who yelled bingo was not one of us four. fucking B2.

ok. my toe's been in the water long enough.

here's something i dug out in my journal from about this time last year. 9/2/2001:

ran into billy and lina (probably kitty/house sitters for bridge trip) and introduced them to my dad. billy is back to himself, which makes me so happy. he was shmoozing my dad big time 'finally i get to meet the man who created such a lovely creature' and my dad looked at me and said 'stephanie, this kid is full of shit' and i was like 'duh'. billy is such fun. love him. if he would quit work would be unbearable.

when i told my dad my friend had died and he asked who, it is with this story that i was able to tell him. which proves what billy's friend vincent eulogized: it only took meeting billy once to remember him. totally true.

anyway. have a good friday.

--ive seen fire and ive seen rain...ive seen sunny days that i thought would never end
ive seen lonely times where i could not find a friend
but i always thought that id see you again--