habit

if you knew how much i was enjoying my john cougar compilation you'd probably be frightened. ive played it more than some cds ive owned for years, and ive only owned it for two days. it is the absolute best.

i should have paid his steep ass prices and seen him live when he was here. lesson learned. cant put a price on love.

so. i just got back from the gym...still sitting in my sweat rags, but feel all pumped up and bursty so thought id let that out on the 'page'. yesterday i went and sat in a cafe for a stretch and wrote and got ideas for writing and such, as per joel's suggestion, and i loved it...so maybe this is borne of that. or maybe i just feels like it. yes, feels like it.

i listened to blind melon's debut album while i was on the treadmill...and i was very proud to reach the two mile mark at 23 and a half minutes...thats less than 12 minute miles, though only barely, but still...go me! anyway, i was totally loving the blind melon as i am prone to do and by the time 'sleepyhouse' rolled around i caught myself actually singing out loud. only 4 words escaped...but still. thats kind of embarrassing. nobody noticed. and if they did, they can bite me.

my two favorite songs off that cd are definitely sleepyhouse and holy man...and most average music listeners probably havent even heard them. they prolly heard no rain and change and whatever else got radio attention. thats a shame, because there is some serious good stuff in there. and as i (wiped eye bugs away? no) listened to shannon singing on sleepyhouse i really got a sad feeling. fucking hell. there wont be any new songs. stupid stupid cocaine. just say no to that nasty bidness.

the possibility that im overdoing it at the gym is starting to dawn on me....for some reason i cannot find today my calves are tight and sore as hell. like, serious pain, where i have to reach down and massage them or stretch them out because if i dont the tendons inside feel like they are just going to snap. not good. at all. i talked to a trainer and i guess the only thing it can be is that on tuesday i used too much weight and didnt do enough stretch. i probably also need to sleep more. whatever it is, its no joke. one wrong step and OUCH. after my shower i think it might have to get a coat of ben gay.

isnt that a sexy image? oh yeah baby..me lathering up with some ben gay. no wonder there's a line up at my door.

i LOVE me some thursday, except i always have to stall. some cruel part of me has grown fond of the habit of luxuriating with pizza while i watch survivor, gluttonously cramming it in while the survivors go hungry...it makes me happy..so thursday is now officially pizza night. my new ritual, with the 2 for 1 pizza deal:

pizza A: very light on cheese, and vegetarian (onion, green pepper, mushroom, green olive)
pizza B: very light on cheese, and black olives, pineapple and mushroom

to pizza A i add yves veggie pepperoni, and to pizza B i add yves veggie ham, and i scoff me some all dressed and hawaiian za. its the best. but i cant order it to early...it must arrive just before friends. which is at 7:30. thursdays. i have them down to a science. except im usually starving right about now because of the gym...so blogger is a good distraction. except when i type about food. which im doing. ok time to change the subject. =)

know what? its 6:45....i gotta go get into the shower so ize a be all ready to order at about 7.

sorry to blab and run, but like i said, its down to a science. i feel like im racing...on a high. working out...i swear, when i finish my cardio part on the treadmill or elliptical thingy i feel like i could kick anyone's ass. its the best. considering how low i know i can feel...this is a very good new trend. i recommend it highly for anyone with the blahs, or too much free time. move the body. the body likes.

ok....dont sit here reading this crap. GO WATCH SURVIVOR.

=)

--now that you are outta my life its so much better
thought that id be weak without you but im stronger
thought that id be broke without you but im richer
thought that i would cry without you, laugh harder--

my fire phobia is well out of control. im sitting here chilled on the computer and all of a sudden i think i smell fire. i open my balcony door and there is no question: something is burning. panic fills me and i grab eevee and mac who joined me on the balcony and try to wedge them into their carrying case. no can do, im panicking too hard and i know its my routine so i know that its probably for nothing. i put them down and run outside, no shoes, no jacket. look up and down the block for smoke and see nothing. noone else has come out of their apartments, its just me out there. but i smell it strong. i realize it could be a fireplace, but i see no chimney chugging out smoke.

so i bang on bassholes door and drag chris outside with me. poor guy only answered the door cuz he thought i was his chicken delivery. anyway he confirms what im smelling and says he smelled it a half hour ago too. we concur its likely a fireplace and i tell him its gonna freak me out all winter, which since its true neither of us find too funny. he goes back to his life, and i come upstairs and call anita and ask her to go outside and smell for it too. even she can smell it, but her reason and non phobicness keep her calm.

even now as i write this, having dragged two others into it, having checked on all three of my balconies for smoke as well as checking on street level...i still am not absolutely convinced that my block isnt on fire. my cats are playing, john cougar is playing, chris is probably munching on chicken and anita is probably doing the one eye on the couch...but me...im wired. im alert. i need a therapist.
and a fire extinguisher. and home insurance.

ok. im going to try to function like a normal person and be rational. if there were a fire and chris smelled it 45 minutes ago, by now it would be a full blown dealie, not something waiting to grow. its not. its not its not. its a fireplace or a woodstove or heaters going on for the first time since last year. in other words, its my imagination.

im so good at worst case scenarios.

i saw the movie signs for the second time, with anita, earlier today. it was just as enjoyable the second time around, just not scary anymore. its just so well written, such good use of storytelling and no loose ends. it all ties together so tightly...almost as tight as joaquin's...never mind. this isnt that kind of journal.

im listening to my freshly purchased best of john "mellencamp" cougar...fucking classic after classic...super sweet. my cravings being fed and every song is so damned good...its only missing like two songs that i wish it had...especially rain on scarecrow. but it DOES have jack and diane, hurts so good, small town, pink houses, authority song, crumblin down, paper in fire and check it out, among others. quite the collection. rock out with your bad self, coug.

last night i went to see red dragon with joel. it was pretty good too...though i wanted it to be scary and it wasnt. ed norton is almost as delicious as owen wilson...and double my pleasure there was a preview for the totally unfunny looking 'i spy' with eddie murphy. we had a couple of fucking brainiacs sitting directly behind us who felt the need to talk (note: TALK, not whisper) throughout the movie. joel turned and gave them the glare, and shortly after a guy sitting on the other side of me did the same. but they were relentless, even announcing the most obvious things as if they were major revelations. finally i turned and looked at the ho and said 'could you PLEASE stop talking? please?' and then went shhh with my finger over my lips the way a kindergarten teacher might to her class. and that finally shut them the fuck up. jesus christ, people have no respect. cell phones ringing at funerals, full on talking during movies, even fucking tamborines at rock concerts. its like some of us have forgotten that its NOT all about us and our experience...that our lives CAN go on hold for an hour or two for the greater good, and out of common courtesy. civilized. what a joke.

the maryland shootings are.....im coming up empty for a word that fits. im not gonna even raise it. i just wanted to acknowledge. but its too sick. in fact there is much going on in life right now, in the big news kind of way like maryland and iraq, and in my own personal life and that of my family and friends, that is seriously fucked up. but we're all buckling down and wading through it. hopefully the wading will be done soon and we'll be on the sunny side of things again.

cari is coming in november, and maybe chantal in october, and tim also in november. ani is playing ottawa in november, and the other ones are playing in albany too. these are all groovy things to look mucho forward to. and with the crap thats going on, and me realizing that maybe there will ALWAYS be crap simultaneous with the small groovy things...i realize how important the small groovy things are. because they may seem small but they keep me balanced. ok im babbling.

something from the journal of my dear friend jason:

steph has a saying for this distinctive bad breath she calls it 'the corn'. i was once guilty of 'the corn' and she pointed it out to me. steph likes to point out these things and there's nothing wrong with that because stephs picks things out of her hair. hahahha don't think i didn't see you do that at allens, thats for the corn and the swimming of the honey bullshit. pick pick i love to pick.

well well. i have several comments in regards to this little public humiliation that i am making even bigger.
#1. The Corn. yes, its true, i named a specific kind of bad breath. it was in toronto that 'the corn' was born, on the breath of my one time boyfriend and still friend adam. i think cigarettes and coca cola are involved in the equation, but all i know for sure is the resulting breath smells exactly the way a can of corn niblets smells just when you open it. except when its not coming from a can of corn and IS coming from a mouth at close proximity, its revolting. i hate the corn. the corn is fucking nasty, and damned sure im gonna let you know if youre a victim, for both of our goods. nobody halitosises on my watch.

#2. yes its true, i am a picker. i am a total descendent of banana eaters and i pick. and so do you, dont you deny it. what j witnessed was tired/nervous picking....the most common factors for me to get to picking. but i am not ashamed. as ani says, how come you can pick your ears but not your nose? picking gives me a weird satisfaction that id probably do better discussing with a shrink than with you all. but admit it...if you arent a picker yourself then you know someone who is. i am not alone. from split ends to blackheads to scalp goodies...you know someone who picks! well...if you didnt, then now you know me. for the tmi files: im a plucker too. =)

#3 The Great Honey Swim. this is for j, who chose to air some personal laundry online. as if i wouldnt strike back, jase. i guess it was about 6 years ago now, when j was around to witness me and anita during rosh hashana and yom kippur. it was all new to him so he was asking why eating apples and honey was tradition. the truth is that we do it for a sweet new year. the truth is not what i told j. those were the days of multiple doobies and so i wont remember this with great specifics, but my story involved women having to swim through a river of honey to cleanse themselves of impurities on the dawn of the new year. i just opened my mouth and the con was on. j, a natural blonde, totally bought it. like i said, i dont remember specifics, but i know this: we laughed. oh how we laughed. with? not so much. we're talking at. oh j, so young, so naive....so trusting. silly lad.

in weather news, its damn cold. i gotta get with the flannel.
in fashion news, no jeans at the gap ever ever fit me normally. is this my body doing me a favor, or gap designers having the last laugh? either way, shopping there usually winds up being trying on 65 items of clothing with the large being too big and the medium being too small, and i end up with new underwear just for the sake of making a purchase after such effort. hopefully shopping at le chateau will reap a bigger wardrobe harvest. i need me some non summer stuff. rather badly.
in kitchen news, i carried my microwave back to its spot over the fridge. ive decided im going to put up shelves on the wall above the washer/dryer. that wall is dead space and i could use it for laundry products, as well as actual laundry that tends to pile in heaps on my dryer, and plants. i dont know why i never thought of it sooner.

so my working out obsession has been reborn. i've been a member of my new gym since september 9th. i will be there tomorrow, so including that, in the last 31 days i have been to the gym 26 times. see, i just counted and i would have thought that it was more and am kind of disappointed in myself. that's obsession, because i know its unhealthy to work out that much. im doing 6 days a week as it is, and i can feel that my body isnt really getting time to recuperate. my legs get very tired climbing stairs, instead of feeling stronger. i should probably be taking 2 days off a week...but i just dont feel like it. ive even thought of going in on my day off, which is saturday, the day i work at 5 30 in the morning, to use the sauna and have to fight myself to not do it. regardless of the obsessive side of things, im still pretty pleased with myself. i see a change in my face and its starting to show in my body too, at least to me....and im pretty committed, so i know i'll be happy. it feels good to use the body. hehe, i should be committed.

i use a calendar to mark my gym visits so i can keep track. its a tofu calendar that i got from a company i sent email to, complimenting them on their product. hee hee, are you picturing sexy tofu posed on the beach? tofu in front of the eiffel tower? hahaah, ah nothin like vegetarian humor. every month has a different recipe, and a picture of the dish. this month's sounds awesome actually: tofu tomato bisque...looks like a yummy creamy soup, but no cream and protein rich. im gonna try it. good calendar. also a recipe for tofu pumpkin pie. not too sure about that, but if tim comes to visit it'll be during american thanksgiving, and ive been prewarned that some traditions would be too sad to miss...so maybe i should test it out.

mmm. i just read through the calendar and there are about ten things i wanna try. yum yum.

hehehe, some people read war and peace. i read recipe calendars i get free in the mail. =)

ok, ive been writing this off and on for several hours now. the fire fear has long since extinguished. john cougar repeated about 5 times. its 12:30, therefore truly october 9th. it would have been billy's 26th birthday. gonna try to get some people together tomorrow in honor of that.

anyway, october 9th is a great day because it brought billy. so enjoy it. ize-a-gonna.

--A million young poets
Screamin' out their words
To a world full of people
Just livin' to be heard
Future generations
Ridin' on the highways that we built
I hope they have a better understanding

Check it out
Goin' to work on Monday
Check it out
Got yourself a family
Check it out
All utility bills have been paid
You can't tell your best buddy that you love him
So check it out
Where does our time go
Check it out
Got a brand new house in escrow
Check it out
Sleepin' with your back to your loved one
This is all that we've learned about happiness

Check it out
Forgot to say hello to my neighbors
Check it out
Sometimes I question my own behavior
Check it out
Talkin' about the girls that we've seen on the sly
Just to tell our souls we're still the young lions
So check it out
Gettin' too drunk on Saturdays
Check it out
Playin' football with the kids on Sundays
Check it out
Soarin' with the eagles all week long
And this is all that we've learned about living
This is all that we've learned about living

A million young poets
Screamin' out their words
Maybe someday
Those words will be heard
By future generations
Ridin' on the highways that we built
Maybe they'll have a better understanding
Check it out
Hope they'll have a better understanding
Check it out
Maybe they'll have a better understanding
Check it out
Maybe they'll have a better understanding
Check it out
Hope they have a better understanding
Check it out.....--