habit

ahhh...yoga. so much calmer. so much better.

and there's this: before class i tell samuelle (my teacher who im friends with at this point) that im stressed out...after class she asks why. i tell her about my disturbing bug/ribs dream (explained below from earlier writing today) and then roll my eyes and spill it in a monotone droning voice: my favorite band pearl jam is playing a show in december in seattle and i...and before i can say anything she just says: go. and i say: but its almost 700 dollars to fly out there right now. she says: dont fall into that money trap. go. treat yourself well. have fun. go.

evil yoga teachers. =)

so maybe tomorrow i will enter that wee lottery. maybe.

maybe.

more distraction via the friday five:

1. What is your favorite scary movie?
well, im a horror fan...big into stephen king and would go to scary cheesy flicks as a teenager...i guess i just loved the cheap thrill...so i have a special place for lots of movies...fright night because i remember loving it in the theater and having so much fun, the texas chainsaw massacre because its such a part of my pine valley camp experience, april fool's day...again, fun in the theater...the lost boys..come on, it was the 80s i was a teenager and it had BOTH coreys! and i loved the sixth sense which scared the crap out of me to the point i was looking behind me when online. when i sit at the computer my whole apartment is kind of behind me. but i think my all time favorite scary movie would have to be....the shining. though the exorcist was scary as shit too. those last three werent laugh-scary. they were just scary-scary.

2. What is your favorite Halloween treat?
raisins. =P
my favorite halloween treat is watching little kids get all excited and dressed up and having fun. i know thats not what was meant, but it is the biggest treat.

3. Do you dress up for Halloween? If so, describe your best Halloween costume.
i can be conned into dressing up, and have been in the past. past favorites include being part of a group costume effort....like when me anita and pam dressed up as kiss in hopes of winning free beer. i was paul stanley. anita was ace frehley. pam was gene simmons. we did not win. even with anita wearing a noose around her arm. also have been a grateful dead 'steal your face' (scroll down. anita made me an awesome mask of that) while the girlz in the hood dressed as grateful dead bears.

4. Do you enjoy going to haunted houses or other spooky events?
when i was a wee lass i was terrified. i remember being at disney as a kid and on the haunted house ride. i had my hands clamped tightly over my eyes the entire time. i took my hands away once (after much persuasion) and was face to face with a skeleton in the pitch black. that was it. i covered my eyes for the rest of the ride. but in later years, and now...i love that shit. i love being all giggly scared. its fun when you know nothing bad is going to actually happen. what are these 'spooky events' though? oasis or creed concerts?

5. Will you dress up for Halloween this year?
well its a thursday and i'll be at work. if the rest of the kids do, so will i....maybe just buy a mask of some kind. there's a store near where i work that i love that has the best halloween stuff ive ever seen. fake plastic boobs, a fake ass sticking out of black shorts in a moon, really really original and cool masks and hats and wigs...theres a mullet plastic wig that comes down to your eyes, fake eyebrows. its pretty hilarious. so we'll see. and at night i hope to go to bingo like last year. free candy!!

heheh, that was fun. this ghoul is gonna go hit the couch and fall asleep to taped csi and ER from last night.

i need there to be a seat sale to seattle.

frickin band playing there december 8th (and most likely 9th). i was fine with not going until:

1. the fan club announced a contest where 500 members will win tickets (that they still have to pay for) but in sweet seats. being a fan, and competetive and someone who loves to win...this contest is harder to resist than the concert. but if i win....yikes.

2. i watched oprah today. stupid oprah had people journalling. one guy has alzheimers and is keeping a journal while he still can to help him record his life and deal with the diagnosis. his words have been published and he wrote how what he regrets most is all the time he spent working...time that could have been spent having fun. he wishes he had had more fun. so i sit and watch and think: gee, steph...whats the most fun thing out there for you? and, my closest friends notwithstanding...its pearl jam shows. im not the best air traveller, and im not the richest broad in the world...but i do know how to have fun. me and pearl jam.

of course the person i consider my tour partner is out of town until the day the contest closes and knowing that he'd share expenses would be a huge push toward affording the trip. heck. i have until monday afternoon to enter this lottery.

so i need a seat sale. right now the lowest airfare is 647 canadian dollars. i do have this money...but do i want to spend it? thats a lot of dinero that could go to more local shows. but more local shows dont exist. december 8 and 9 in seattle do exist.

and if my tour partner isnt into it, and i win tickets...i could always ask my mom if she would go with me...and that way not have to spend the $$ to go to vancouver after seattle. holy scheming. this is what loving a band too much does to you. it makes you lose your mind. its all i can think about. do i call him at bridge in his hotel to discuss this? do i enter even tho ten club specified to please only enter if you are positive you are going? do i calmly decide against and save the money for an occasion where i can spread it around more, rather than blow it in one pop? ARGHHGHGHGHGHGH. its makin me mental. probably a million other scenarios that have yet to enter my imagination...but will, no doubt.

stupid fucking pearl jam lottery. doesnt help that when tickets go on sale to the public i'll be at work. makes the lottery that much more of a huge helping hand toward ticket getting. ticket getting to a show im not sure i want to afford to be at. but it would be FUN. big fat crazy silly fun.

im going to yoga at 7 and i pray for a divine moment where my head and heart are clear and an answer to all this rings through. yeah, like thats gonna happen. maybe if i take some mescalin before class. and im all out of mescalin. so, assuming i dont win the lottery tonight (how SWEET that would be. how wonderful it must be to have money not be a concern!)...i need a seat sale to seattle. and the first four letters in seattle ARE seat. and move the letters around and you get sale. so its a sign. its gonna happen. come on baby.

ok. take my mind off that for a bit.

last night vanessa from work came over to watch survivor. jonathan from work was sposed to come too but the bastard stood us up! not even a phone call! he must be a glutton for punishment...he has to spend long hours with us all week long. the wrath he has brought upon himself...we ordered enough pizza for an army because we expected him to come. he didnt. oh well. it was alot of fun to watch the show with someone as into it as me....we were cheering and anxious...it was a great episode with a FABULOUS surprising ending.

then today i go to work and my manager is all 'i hear you had a survivor party and didnt invite anyone except vanessa and jonathan...very nice'. i was like 'there were no loot bags or party hats...it wasnt quite a party'. besides, before the season started i told everyone they MUST watch survivor so i could have people to discuss it with at work. vanessa and jonathan, both formerly sworn against survivor, were the only ones who not only tuned in on my demand (it was no request =) ), but who admittedly now love the show. so there.

vanessa said she was surprised my apartment was so 'artsy'. the me i am at work is not the me i am at home. there are so many me's sometimes its hard for even me to keep up, and i AM me. i just keep my personal stuff really personal. know why? cuz its personal! says the girl with an online journal for all to read. hehehe...what a freak.

yesterday i was repotting a plant and went to use earth that had been out on the balcony. when i looked closely i saw teensy little bugs moving at the speed of light. i thought i was gonna hurl. i got rid of that earth but had used it the day before to pot THREE plants. i took them under a light to see if they had crawlies all over them, but they didnt...but im still worried that i just sentenced all three babies to death by infestation of nasty little critters. or...its perfectly natural and fine. one or the other.

all i know is i was so worried about it that i DREAMED about it last night! i dreamed some bug lady was in my hosue, spraying in my kitchen, saying the papers i use to line the shelves are attracting bugs. i felt very uneasy and panicked in the dream, so turned to anita and j for some support, but they were both sitting at my table eating chinese food....spareribs to be exact. and i mean they were eating them....j was gnawing on a spare rib like it was the best thing on earth (i bet shii ann gnawing on chicken on survivor had something to do with this). which might seem odd...but when i tell you now that j and anita are both vegetarians in real life it makes it that much odder. i remember being shocked in my dream, and feeling like i was spiralling out of control to the point where i forced myself awake as though it were a nightmare. total stress dream. not fun.

i think i have pms. im bad at decisions on a good day...but toss pms into the mix and watch me play mental tennis to the point of exhaustion. what i ate at work yesterday would definitely strengthen the pms notion. i swear, i work out 6 days a week and then wonder why results seem so slow (altho my bicep is rather impressive):

cinnamon danish with margarine
raisin toast with margarine
mayonaise on a spoon disguised as egg salad
small brownie off piece of chocolate brownie cake
chocolate chocolate brownie milkshake made with aforementioned piece of chocolate brownie cake
several bite sized lemon wafer cookies my manager has in his office. demonspawn.

then after the gym and during survivor it was pizza pizza pizza and fries. what a health maniac i am. =P

ok, i gotta get ready for yoga. please, feel free to send me your opinions of this whole pearl jam in seattle thing. im interested in all your thoughts. im weak minded and easy to manipulate. get drunk on the power. =)

put in a word for me with the lottery gods too. that wouldnt hurt.

this quote is from my band and the irony of how true the words are, when applied to how they affect my life and decisions.

--tattoo everything--

what luck! something told me at 11 45 to check who would be on letterman tonight. lo and behold, its bruce springsteen and MITCH HEDBERG!! my other favorite comedian.

hello!?! norm macdonald. sheesh.

anyway, im not really surprised...today i walked to hmv because i wasnt going to wait one day longer to buy the i am mine single. i arrived and some song was playing...they have an instore dj. the song ended and the next song started up: i am mine. hows that for pearl jam karma? it was karmariffic. supercool.

i just played said cd single on repeat about 10 times. me likey.

busy busy today.

pissy news: brought my almost famousy coat that is exactly one year old as of two days from now to the dry cleaners after finding that one of my precious darling felines relieved itself right in the middle of the back of it leaving a nice megastain. turns out that the coat is more than likely totalled....best case scenario they can dye it black but their suede expert wasnt in to say whether the stain would dye the same way or be a bit lighter. plus they think the beige trim would also have to be black, plus it would probably all wind up costing more than a new fucking coat. son of a bitch. i liked that coat alot AND its a gift from my momma. plus i wanted to possibly buy new boots...but if i need a new coat then...there goes that. i isnt made o money.

then went on a tour of the city trying to find my brianna caesar dressing. the store where i usually get it wasnt on my route, so i figured id just find it somewhere else. WRONG. and i stopped at 8 stores. but the good news is that last night i emailed brianna's to tell them how devoted i am to their super amazing product, and they emailed me back thanking me and asking for my home address so they good send me a 'goody bag'. yee haw. i like the looks of the words 'goody bag'. funny...the email started 'dear robin'. hehe, i aint made o money, and i aint no robin either.

neither would have been better to end that sentence, but oh so gramatically incorrect. couldnt have that.

met up with anita and went to see punch drunk love. i have to say, it was pretty disappointing. all this great chatter about it...but...we couldnt put it together. i mean ok, it was a basic love story i guess, and paul thomas anderson is great at conveying loneliness and adam sandler did a good job of it too...but there was alot of weird shit that seemed to be neither here nor there not to mention that the opening scene was trying my freakin patience, which some of the music did later. not to mention i wasnt convinved at all by the love story...i just didnt quite buy that she'd be into him. philip seymour hoffman was in it and that was great, i love him and have seen i think every one of his movies....but not enough to save it. it was just nothing. still, a fun time.

philip seymour hoffman and jack black could so easily play brothers on film. you heard it here first.

previews for frida. looking forward to it, even if salma is way too pretty, even with the unibrow, and even if she snagged ed norton as a result.

after the movie we stopped into zellers so anita could check out bed stuff. but who wound up being the one to shell out on bed stuff? me, dammit, me! but ive been meaning to get rid of the peachy orange sheets that i had from when my bedroom was what is now my living room because they clash like a mofo...so i got these marthas that look really springy and country-ish. can i find them online? haha, yup. silly me for doubting the almighty internet. its the ivy scroll in apple green.

eddie gettin lyrically clever in 'down'. singin all about a river that is dried up and 'damned' according to the lyrics he typed...but a river is also mostly 'dammed'...pun pun pun. so its another one like violins/violence. wow. to a non pearl jam manyak (maniac fancy like) that sentence is complete jibberish. and in related news: tonight brad played benny and the jets. sorry you missed it j, but im willing to check them in toronto if you are. which you arent.

i love down. its so dance-able, i love the cadence of the vocal delivery and the end RULES. my pearl jam free zone ended before listening to the single today when i was at the gym...i listened to 3-10-94 (thanks jess) and it made the cardio so much easier to do. i got goosebumps from one of the songs...which was it...oh it was release. the way the crowd reacts to the 'i'll ride the wave' line. i looked down at my arms and the hairs were standing on end. i missed my boys.

why am i so awake? its the diet coke at the theater. im that affected by caffeine in my old age. crazy.
i think im gonna force myself couchward and re-watch the beginning of third watch from last night....i somehow missed this extraneous supeflous unnecessary sex scene that i must see because it features eddie cibrian. hello gratuitous sex scene! then i can fast forward to csi miami. letterman has a top ten contest on his site...they give the topic and if your entry is picked you win a tshirt. this week the topic is 'top ten ways csi miami is different than csi' but i got nothing. but you go for it.

safe skies tomorrow, safe skies. that is the mantra for wednesday.

--one day the symptoms fade
think i'll throw these pills away
and if hope could grow from dirt like me
it can be done--

ooh lookee! two entries in a row. craziness.

but a few awesome things have happened that bear reporting. and i dont mean awesome in the sense of the valley girl...like, thats so awesome like oh my god! no. i mean awesome in the sense where it struck awe in yours truly.

#1. last night while watching tv i glanced out the window. i glanced back at the tv but then drilled my eyes back to the window....SNOW. gentle snowflakes falling slowly...no matter how much i squinted disbelievingly it did not become rain. it was actually snow. i figured its a fluke scattering, but when i gazed window-ward about ten minutes later the snow was pelting. no more laxadaisacal wafting. i thought it would be melted by morning but shows what i know. this morning the cars parked outside were covered, as were my stairs...just a slight layer but there just the same. the trees on the mountain had the stuff on the leaves. its a warning. winter is a comin.

#2. after september 11th ani difranco started performing this spoken word piece. people put the words up online but i never looked...i just knew that it would be more true to the form to hear it for the first time (the same approach i took to the pj lyrics getting out for riot act...no interest...gotta hear that shit first). anyway, joe wound up with two copies of so much shouting, so much laughter somehow, and gave his second copy to me. how fucking cool? anyway...finally today while cleaning i put in disc two and when it was time for self evident, the name of the piece, i sat down in front of the stereo and just listened. i will tell you...parts of that piece are the most powerful things ive ever heard in music...she is just too incredible. its beautiful and sad and angry and painful and really it just winds you the way a plane hitting a building might...but in a more artistic way rather than violent. its amazing. you all have to hear it. thats twice in three days that art has wowed me. first bowling for columbine, and now this.

some asshole i work with keeps repeating a 'theory' of his, as he calls it. me and the staff get to chatting about movies and he feels the need to chime in and say 'i never saw that, i have a good sex life. people who watch movies dont have good sex lives.' the guy is the snootiest fucking busboy the world has ever seen. he is begging me to dislike him, and he is succeeding. i tell him thats the most idiotic shit ever...'hey, buddy...do you think tom cruise has a bad sex life? i think he might watch a movie or two...or how about [insert celebrity name of your choice here]. he's cruisin for a bruisin.

so. i have now entered the realm of my days off. joy! im gonna:

-send a package out.
-make white trash meatballs with meatballs from the same company that makes the chickenless buffalo wings i love.
-buy the rest of my groceries including tofu to make tofu nuggets with the shake n bake nugget mix thats been in my cupboard forever and a day, as well as brianna's caesar salad dressing (no anchovies and the tastiest caesar dressing on earth) (wow, their website makes me want to try the santa fe and dijon honey mustard and blush wine dressings too) to make a fake chicken caesar with chickn strips. im all about the fake meat.
-bring in my winter coat for dry cleaning.
-etc and so forth.

soooo. what else is newsworthy (as if any of the above was newsworthy). still no good concerts coming to montreal with the exception of maybe peter gabriel...but peter gabriel annoys me with the way he adds the african choirs on all his classic songs that i love...so that would be wasted bread anyway im thinking. which reminds me...some dumbass at work (can you tell im ready for my day off?) was ruining all his music credibility by saying:

phil collins solo is great...but genesis SUCKED.

hehehe, now thats good comedy. hello, clueless. lookin good.

so i see everywhere how kurt cobain's diaries are being made available to the public. im not sure what i think about that, but i know my initial reaction....tsk tsk. shame on whoever released them. i mean...we all know kurt suffered and struggled with life...his pain was private and his own. but then...its fascinating to read letters and diaries of great ones who have died....but its so nosy and scandalous feeling in this case. i guess i just know someone is cashing in. are they exposing the diaries so people can understand kurt more, or learn from kurt, or just feel close to someone they miss again...or are they milking him and whoring his private self that he protected so carefully? blech. maybe its just too soon. i saw his face on the cover of newsweek and was like 'what the fuck!'. kurt on newsweek? in this time of snipers and iraq and the like...it just stuck out. those eyes can never lose their intensity.

oh the yawns are setting in. its time for me to go watch my taped third watch and csi miami. commercial free. as if. i bet i fall asleep less than halfway into 3rd watch. im sleeping easier these days...as in passing out cold. not like me usually...its the working out. my body is commanding it. and its good. so yeah.

im a chit chattin away. so im a signing off for today.

--lay down your arms, and surrender to me
lay down your arms, and love me peacefully
use your arms for squeezing and pleasin
thats the way its got to be--

my stomach hurts.

i decided against both pairs of sunglasses, not that more than two of you care anyway....and the two who did care voted opposite each other and cancelled each other out. but the truth is tho i like both pairs i dont LOVE either of them...so fuck it. i'll wait till new/more styles are available.

work's been jolly swell these last few days...ive had a very competent trainee so mostly just let her do the leg work until today. its fun to train but also draining...lots of talking and repeating and patience required. i think im pretty decent at it, especially if i like the person. the trainee and i work pretty similarly and are both on the snarky side, so we got along well. i cant stand working with people who are bad at their job, and who dont have a sense of humor. youd be surprised how many are missing one or the other. but she was cool...people used to tell me that i reminded them of darlene from roseanne....this girl has been told that she reminds someone of mimi from drew carey (not physically or make-up-ly). she reminded me of jodie foster. anyway who cares.

doug gilmour was in for breakfast today. excitement plus. its funny cuz everyone runs over to tell me and im like 'he's not a baseball player'. they think im stephanie-sports-girl. im not. im stephanie-expos-girl.

after work yesterday me and papa saw bowling for columbine. i have to say, i had very high expectations for this movie after all the feedback ive heard/read on it...and still it exceeded them. michael moore is just so smart and so real and...well i want everyone to see the movie and dont want to spoil it...i'll quote myself from an email i wrote after seeing it:

. i saw it with my papa and he thought it
was terrific. (thats the word he used). the theater was packed and at the
end everyone applauded. as much as i love the song to the teeth...i loved
this movie. its got lots of funny, lots of shocking, lots of disturbing and
sad...but mostly lots of REAL. and it shows signs of hope...which are
important. its so refreshing to get that much truth...and that in itself is
a sad comment for how much bullshit we swim in every day. ok..rant mode
off.

there is some footage in there that i didnt know existed, and was horrifying and disturbing to see. but im not going to elaborate...just PLEASE go see it. go go go go go go go.

on the other hand, please DO NOT see orange county. keep your distance. trust me on this.

i asked jess if it makes me shallow that i want to try a new perfume...that which bears the name: j-lo. i read that it combines grapefruit and vanilla and rose and sandalwood and orange and i just think that would smell really nice. jess say it smells really cheap. i hope she's right because it doesnt come very cheap and id rather keep that money in my wallet. but im a sucker for scents sometimes.

i need a warm bathrobe for over my pajamas. the temps are dropping, fast. its damn cold in here, yo. but i hate annoying belted type crap. i need me a velcro robe or some shit.

movies i wanna see:
punch drunk love
white oleander
moonlight mile
the ring

*yawn*.

tonights highlights will be law and order followed by boomtown. what a fucking thrill ride. nothing exciting is on the immediate horizon. i hope to play bingo on halloween because it was fun last year...we got free candy and didnt have to dress like assholes. but thats it. everything else is just tv related aka survivor and the amazing race. november should be more interesting but interesting...maybe its just late october blahs. knowing last year at this time i was in vancouver and seattle and california seeing pearl jam really makes right now seem like superblah. no biggie.

alrighty....not liking this whiny bitchy mopey mindframe.

me and my blechy feeling stomach are gonna hit the road. not literally.

--open fire on the nra and all the lies theyve told us along the way
open fire on each weapons manufacturer, while he's giving head to some republican senator
and if i hear one more time about fools' right to his tools of rage
im gonna take my friends
and we're gonna move to canada
and we're gonna die of old age--

posted by s**  # 8:45 PM