habit

hows this for intrigue: im leading a dual existence. move over, bond.

thats right. on one hand i feel really happy and serene and comfortable.

things are good and it was a good day. i see results from all my gym going, and its pleasing. i got free movie passes to the new hugh grant movie for monday (anita, you in?) which is called two weeks notice but i choose to rename it: who cares if this movie is shite, its two hours of hugh grant. i came home and had just an awesome email from my former coworker and good friend jason...that would be too embarrassing to reprint here. but it was very sweet and kind and was written for no reason except to tell me i guess.

what else? ive been having weird moments on the metro, that feel like a story or a movie. today was the third time that i get on and BOOM, im face to face with someone i know. youd think that a metro serving the city, with trains coming like every 5 minutes, with like 30 doors per train, and tons of seats inside...the odds of being face to face with someone you know would be slim. well, today i get on, sit down, look up and eric is sitting right across from me. this is weird because when billy died (more on billy later) i tried like crazy to find eric and i just couldnt. and then today there he is, just sitting there. yesterday, the subway doors opened and getting off where i was going on was terry, someone else i used to work with. and about two weeks ago getting off where i was getting on was marni, who i had just been hanging out with the night before at anita's. the odds on the timing and placement for these things to occur are slim, im sure. except it keeps happening.

what else. i was certain id lost my gym membership card, and had resigned myself to paying the fucking 15 bucks it takes to replace it. i was ready to today, but the manager told me he'd give me a week for it to turn up. sure enough, i come home and the damned thing is in my wallet. 15 dollars saved.

what else. tim comes for new years. anita and stein and me are going to see ani, front row styling, in march, thanks muchly to sheri and her generosity of time and spirit. its the first time the three of us will have a getaway together. just saw cari and jace. got great email from bob lazanik's son, and it seems i might be able to arrange to see some precious slides as a result. more importantly, he loved what i had to say about his well beloved father, who died earlier this year. meant alot to me that he bothered to write. kirk (jasonkirk) called me to give me a full seattle run down and i love and trust that boy completely. we had a great talk and he's psyched to see shows and theres just alot of fun pearl jam chatting going on all over the place. tour is coming. vanessa came over for survivorfest and it was good times, and anita met vanessa (and jason actually) earlier this week when we went to see frida and it was just nice. it is just nice.

i have some inspired ideas for gifts for xmas this year, thanks in part to pearl jam, and to wanting to do something a little less traditional. earlier i had said that the only gifts i want are for people i love to get rid of that nasty tobacco, but thats not quite right. i think i have it though, but am not gonna say anything till i get it more clear in my head.

oh, and i registered for the follow up creative writing course, monday nights, starting in january.

so all this is great.

but at the same time, im stressed.

there is bullshit at work thanks to the stupidity of another waiter, who is miserable and who is attempting to use me as a scapegoat. as a result, he's put me on the defensive, and i can make him look very bad thanks to his own words since he loves talking shit about every single person we work with (and this kind of thing showed itself in my online personal life at the same time too, which is odd) and i never had any intention to repeat it except that now he's seemed to bring me the headache of having to meet with a boss and him and costa....but i think that meeting will never happen. but dont go telling the bosses total lies about me when i am the one you come to to vent about all the people you hate in the company, including those very bosses... anyway im being vague because i dont want to get into it because its so stupid and unnecessary. i dont like him leaking his negativity onto me.

also, some fucking bitchy ass customer decided to risk my job by writing in a letter saying that they came to eat one morning and the food was terrible, and said that i wasnt 'terribly pleasant'. turns out the date they came to eat was the same day i got my period this month, so forgive me for not being buttercups and rose petals 24/7. anyway, reading the letter made me feel like shit because i love so much when my customers love me, which is alot of the time. if she was pissed with the food she should have told me then, when i could have fixed it, not gotten all snippy and written a bitchy letter. bitch. so costa has to write me up which annoys me because the company only pays attention to the negative. the fact that that same day a couple who had never been to our place before came in for breakfast and then CAME BACK for lunch insisting i serve them didnt matter. the fact that customers come in after ive been sick or off for a weekend and say THANK GOD and hug me because they were worried i left...that doesnt matter either. only when we fuck up. thats what we hear about. thats when letters go to head office. whatever. i fucked up and i take responsibility for that, but if you are gonna give me negative contact letters, then make sure there are also positive contact letters for head office.

so combine those two job events and its been less than perfect at work. blech. to the point where im looking at job ads again. im not feeling the most secure. cari's sister works at a money making place tho...maybe she could hook me up at one of their locations if need be. but im good at being paranoid too, so we'll see.

billy. i cant stop thinking about billy. i just got the idea for a 'year in review' type journal entry, and basically i came up with this. a good year is when you come out of the year with everything you went into the year with, and then some. if you go out of the year with anything less....even if you did gain...its hard for it to be a good year. there was a lot of loss this year for a lot of friends of mine. and alot of loss for me too. but mainly billy. i see him in my head now, all the time, lately its with a bandana over his head and him doing some silly dance and giving me that look...his eyes portrayed mischief and spirit like few eyes ive known. and i wont be seeing those eyes again. and as much as its my loss...its more billy's. i lost him, but he lost it all. it gets easier to deal with with time, but its never less tragic.

the highlight of my year was probably going to kai luum in mexico and living that way for a week, with no power and no connection to the world and just unplugging like that. it was glorious, and it caught me up with chantal, and i met some neat folks and got to be on the beach and by the sea. what a special place.

the blessing of the year is mr jace benjamin marc. it makes you believe in magic. its incredible that he exists. i dont know how it happened. shouldnt we all be stoned in cari's bmw? you blink, and she's got a baby. and you feel the love in your self grow exponentially as soon as you lay eyes on him. i raise my glass to more friends with babies. it'll happen.

its funny how a year passes and the day to day crap that we think is important is just so not. at the end of the year what stands out is the pain of loss, and the joys of love, and the gifts of true friendship.

i was hoping for something more eloquent or meaningul, but thats all i got.

oh, thats not true. i also got work at 5:30 tomorrow morning, so im gonna get on outta here. i cant believe its already saturday. amazing how being sick for a few days totally messes up your whole sense of time.

anywho...here's to free movie passes and upcoming 3 hour survivor finales. woo!

--once you hold the hand of love, its all surmountable--

good evening.

my stomach is STILL weird. i cant believe it. taking so long to get back to normal. also, my dad didnt go to work today because he got a case of the pukes. much slighter than mine, but still i think my bug is responsible. down with barfing. but enough about that.

very exciting. my portland friend from mexico will be in montreal for a few days, including new years. ay carumba! oh, spontanaity. how great and shake-upping thou art.

me and goth anita went to see frida today. we both give it full nipples up. what a life she lived (frida kahlo i mean). beyond incredible talent, this was a woman who was strong and suffered more than anyone should. its sad to think she thought of her work as unremarkable. i bet noone would be more surprised than her to see her lasting contribution to art. her paintings are so striking, and the director of the movie was ingenious in handling the paintings, bringing some of them to life. it was fascinating to see how they came to be, ripped right from frida's life. the colors in the movie are so rich and vibrant...its just a great job, great movie, and just the kind of life that belongs as the subject of a film.

imagine being married to the most famous painter in mexico, and you yourself are a brilliant painter, and your paintings combined are the artwork in your home! im jealous. diego rivera was an animal, a pig, a fat bastard, a womanizer and from what i hear, a cannibal...but he still created the most gorgeous art ive ever seen. it must have been intoxicating just to be around him, let alone have him love you. anyway, her life was pretty fascinating. and sad. and beautiful. go see the movie.

and speaking of my fine taste in art and film, lets get to music. all day long i was craving...eminem. i swear, since my hip hop class and 8 mile...i never claimed to be into eminem, but right from the start i did defend him as a talent. even if he was offensive or whatever, it was clear he could do shit with words and their delivery that is really unique. but now...im thinking i'll need to get some of his stuff because i just want to hear it. his voice. his obnoxious stuff. so i was really looking forward to hip hop class tonight because eminem is part of the routine...but fuck. i get to the gym all hyped up and dammit the teacher's kid broke his arm or some shit and she couldnt make it. poor little guy, and i bet it scared the crap out of her too...but christ i really wanted to hear the guy. so now im thinking i might have to download. hehe. true confessions of a 31 year old eminem fan.

speaking of eminem, you know i had no problem with brittany murphy, no problem at all.
she had to go and score herself ashton kutcher? im sorry, but for the sake of all females globally, he should just be single. its only right, its only fair. and so now brittany has forced me to classify her as a skanky wench biatch. sorry brittany, but you did it to yourself, taking our man.

my puzzle. its now a hellish punishment. all thats left are grey, brown, and mauvey grey/brown. hell. but i must finish it so i can get one i'll enjoy doing. i so enjoy puzzlation. must finish. must finish. must...you get the idea.

my wrist is feeling carpal tunnely. blech.

tomorrow i think i shall register for a winter course. writing for radio and television mayhaps. creative writing II. magazine writing. one of these. maybe two if im feeling fancy.

and so with that i bid you bon soir.

a visitor for new years. whod'a thunk it?

--let the games begin--

the moral of the story is: wash your hands. often.

i had me a super 24 hour bug. at about 9 pm friday night i started feeling nauseous. by 11 it was trouble. at midnight i was on the phone with my boss saying work on saturday was questionable. i barfed like a star and felt better so told him id still go in to open.

alarm clock set: 4:50 am.
stephanie wakes up: 4:13 am. barfs aplenty.
stephanie sleeps till 4:45. barfs some more. but now, because of her big mouth has to go to work.

fucking idiot. i go in for 5:30 and call my boss and tell him he better get his ass down there because i am really feeling the sick now. he groans ok. he hardly put it in overdrive because he only shows up at fucking 7. by then i have barfed at work 3 times, and was in the middle of the 4th session when he walked into the bathroom to say 'stephie baby, your dad is outside, you can go'. so what if im 31 and i called my dad and said 'come get me. i wanna go home'.

anyway, i had three tables come in, all of whom i told i was sick, and all of whom the cook served. i felt like shite and cried and was frustrated. every time i stood i thought i was gonna hurl. my dad took me home to his place, which became hospital zev. this is what i learned:

1. cable tv is just as sucky as 2 station tv, which is what i have now. there was nothing on.
2. i hate being sick, but its so much better to not be alone when i am. my dad was like my nurse, getting me ginger ale and cold compresses and just being there when i puked. which was often. have i mentioned that?

anyway, i finished throwing up at about 9 last night. today i stayed home from work because im still a bit wobbly and headachy and dehydrated. go figure i get sick for the two most money making days of the week. oh well.

as me and dad were leaving to bring me home to feed the cats the fire alarm went off. my dad is making all these jokes, but thats the one thing i dont find funny. so im like CAN WE GO? I DIDNT SURVIVE BARFING ALL DAY TO DIE IN A FIRE'. we climbed down from the 14th floor. didnt see any smoke or fire, so it was just an alarm. i hate all things to do with fire. except fireplaces. those im down with.

so thats been my weekend, try not to be jealous.

on an upnote, sheri is awesome and scored me the ani tickets i feared not getting. furthermore, we are pretty sure (yet not positive) that the seats are front row action. niiiice. sheri, you rule.

the last pearl jam show i missed that i really wanted to be at was their anniversary show in vegas. i was bummed, but in the time of the show my dad was admitted to the hospital for something very serious. had i gone i would have been away, and that would have been disastrous and horrible.

the pearl jam shows from thurs and fri, and tonight and tomorrow are the only ones since then that ive missed and wanted to be at. now i know that had i gone its possible i would have spent the greater part of the trip feeling like shite and being miserable. and wishing i were home. funny how everything works out in the end. and everything happens for a reason.

apart from coming down with germies on friday, it was swell. i talked to sheri and got the tickets that i am treating anita and pam to for their march birthdays, and i came home from the gym and listened to all of riot act on headphones, loud, and danced like a fool. i love green disease, and i love love boat captain and i love ghost and i love bushleaguer. great stuff, great record.

its possible im hungry. i get to enjoy some delicacies like dry toast, or flat ginger ale. again, dont be jealous.

--its all surmountable--