habit

oh, ps. all my pj friends whose parades im raining on today....you dont need a hotel on june 29th. no you dont.

it should be a great day, but i am pissy as a motherfucker. the more my friends talk to me about the pj tour dates, the pissier i get.

*sigh*

if i HADNT been fired, then all would be swell...well, kinda. i could guarantee getting like two seperate weeks off to see shows, and i could relax knowing i had steady income. plus i could see shows that fell on my natural days off....it would be a happy time. well, with a few exceptions, like that the chunk of shows i most wanted to see the stupid band scheduled during passover, when all my friends from out of town will be in town, all of us together...more priceless than anything else. why couldnt the tour be on the west coast during passover?! jerks. instead they are in the prime locations of florida, north carolina and nashville. fuck. but id take some consolation in going to new orleans...except...

except now i dont have a job, but i can bet by then i will. if its a restaurant job i wont really have been there long enough to request a full week off....(tho maybe if i say its a wedding or some family shite....there's hope i guess), or a mon-fri office type gig....where i guess i could pull off the same fib. its not an outright lie. pj is family. at least to me.

anyway, no im not done whining. because THIS is what makes my year. THIS is what i wait for, work for, live for. shows. pearl jam shows. i didnt need to see the whole tour, id be happy with more than 5 and less than 15...somewhere in there, but the way they are set up right now i cant honestly feel certain that i can make more than my hometown show. even if jasonkirk told me:

Sorryisthefool: yup. but you will see the friday sat. show at the end of the first leg. i will drive you for free. but your not missing albany or buffalo...so plan on that bitch.

aww. i love that kid. no wonder i would adopt him.

but argh just the same. im whiny and pissy and pessimistic and BLAH. and everyone is all psyched and bouncy and i just cant get with it, or be happy for them. no. shows are my significant other. they are my Ultimate Joy in life. and i try to be a good person and i deserve to have my Ultimate Joy. but i dont see it working out in my favor.

PLUS.

plus. plus there is this new ticketing system, the sounds of which make me extremely nervous. its like a mail order for fan club members, and the details arent out yet, but im worried. because if they dont do it right, i think it would basically be kissing seniority goodbye, as well as chances for really hot seats. now mix in that i might only get to like two shows and that makes me very not happy. i think they should do it like this:

seperate fan club requests from pre-order requests. have the pre-order seating still be nice, but not as hot as fan club seating. once fan club orders are filled, and only then, use those for some pre-orders, but only allow ten club members to have ONE pair of fan club tix. as many preorders, sure fine great, but still only one set of fan club tix. because i know that if my sweet tix go to someone who has seen the entire fucking tour while i have to pack it all in for one show, and im *not* in smokin seats...i will be very upset. i am a firm believer in seniority, and i think it would be wrong of them to ditch it now. hopefully they do the right thing.

of course, if i hadnt been fired, id probably feel some security about the pre-order thing, but id prolly still be concerned about seniority. but at this point, i cant see myself being able to take advantage of that system. i can only see myself getting fucked by it.

this should be an exciting fun time, right this minute. instead, i was all bummed when it hit me as i looked at the dates that it was most likely not gonna be all it could be, and im bummed again now thinking about it. and im allowing myself to be babyish about it because, as stated earlier, whether you understand it or not, this is my Ultimate Joy. it should be easy.

not to mention that the dates are fuckin all over the place. you can look at em here. the 8th through the 19th would have been my mini dream tour. and then a few around here. april. april is just too fucking soon. =(

maybe i'll see clearer and better about this tomorrow, or soon. maybe its not as bad as im feeling it is right now. maybe i take a crap job just to make the coin now, and dump it to see the shows i want to see. maybe i wouldnt have to dump it, and could still be where i want to be. maybe i should have faith in the world and believe it will all work out. i want to, maybe even think i will, but im not feeling it now.

i just feel pressure and sad. i feel like tix will go onsale soon, at a time when i cant commit to anything and everything is up in the air. sucks.

but, there is more to life than ultimate joy.

there are also tigers. i saw on tv today that 4 out of the 8 subspecies of tigers have gone extinct. in our lifetime. gone. gonzo. and that the other 4, the remaining, are also highly highly endangered. can you imagine a world without tigers? its so upsetting. some jerks in india believe that eating tiger parts gives you tiger like qualities, and the legend goes back so far that they dont care that there's no scientific back up for that. so they poach the tigers for their pelts, their paws, their bones. and they have wiped out 4 breeds. over xmas i donated some cash to save the tigers, but its not really enough. this is SERIOUS. how ashamed would we be if we allowed the tiger to be wiped out. its too sad to imagine, telling our grandkids about this creature that was so beautiful and majestic yet we let it slip away. it would be unforgiveable. please. give here. 100% goes to tigers, all tigers.

and even when pissy and whatnot, cant get thru an entry without mentioning food. my awesome main course at dinner tonite was:

president's choice meatless burger, in the fry pan, no oil
chopped onion and mushroom mixed with thick honey-hot mustard also in the fry pan
top burger with some bbq sauce, then onions and mushrooms
melt one slice swiss cheese on top of all that
*heaven*

and with that, im taking my bitchy ass on out of here. oh yeah, i was sposed to work on my story all day, but when i got back from the gym and saw the dates i got so wound up that i couldnt focus or do anything other than mope. i took a hot shower, watched tv, felt sorry for myself...but did zero writing. i might take a stab at it now, because tomorrow my hip hop teacher invited me over for drinks and pizza and movies, and that would have been kind of fun...but not with a really unfinished story due monday hanging over me.

oh, and i did apply for a bunch of stuff today, and will continue to do that daily. something is better than nothing. then maybe in a few i can calm down and really look at the dates and see what i can make work, or try to make work. but without an actual job you see how thats difficult. argh.

--unbreak my heart--

i have so much creative writing homework to get done in the next few days, even the idea of blogging is less than desirable....so you get a skeleton post.

-i got a post card from vanessa in ireland today. yay! i called alex to tell him about it and wound up getting an email for her so i wrote her a nice long catch up letter, which was fun. in an email to alex she told him she misses me like a mad woman. awww. sounds like she's got her a boy over there that id like to have cloned.

-finished my smaller assignment for class and have had some people read it, all to much positive feedback. good stuff.

-the wind was against me as i walked to the gym today. i swear, the air slices through you and you just want to die its so freezing and miserable. horrible stuff.

-these veggie sausages that i bought are kind of tasty but cause gas that you dont even want to know about. no more buying them.

-i been watching american idol. the canadian version, popstars is so different. popstars is much less mean. but sometimes the mean on american idol is fucking hilarious. its amazing to me that those people think they can sing. i mean, i also LOVE to sing, but am honest enough with myself to acknowledge that i am crap. but im freakin pavorotti compared to some of the folks that audition. this one guy BUTCHERED the star spangled banner tonight...like not only horrible singing, but no clue as to the words. really bad.
then again paula abdul cant sing for shit herself. but whatever. its all just keeping me warm for survivor, anyway.

-so i dont like russell crowe. so the fuck what!

-been eating 'soygurt'...non dairy yogurt. its SO good. i bought granola to mix in with it and its tasty tasty tasty.

thats it. thats all you get. and no promises for tomorrow, either. tomorrow is short story day, and i expect to be frustrated since i basically have zero in mind for plot.

bon soir.

--cold wind blows at the soles of my feet--

something cool about getting older...you begin to recognize signs your body gives you, so you know in advance whats up. like, i always know hours before its gonna happen when im gonna barf, and i can tell in an instant when that 'fuck here comes a cold' feeling comes on, so i can medicate and beat it. i guess the signs are always there, but you just dont know how to read em yet when yer younger. anyway, i say this because two days ago, when the temperatures here took a non too graceful swan dive, i noticed that i was getting really munchy. i figured it was my body's natural reaction to put on pounds in the winter for extra layers, to warm up like a hibernating animal. but then it was still there the next day, and today i wanted to eat all day long. and then it hit me. dumb ass, its not the weather...its PMS! its not affecting my mood, but MAN is it making me want to chew. crazy shit that monster pms is.

so i went grocery shopping and my pms bought some chocolate covered graham crackers. hehe. =) i allowed myself 3.

yes, dumb me lugged home groceries in -40 weather. after going out in the first place....i ran to the gym for hip hop, against the wind. it was fucking freezing, and i was only out for like 3 minutes. my heart goes out to all the people with no homes....and at the back of my mind i realize that at this point im not that far from them myself. what i have in the bank could quickly dwindle. it would be so easy to become homeless, i can see that. so i appreciate everything i have.

i spent the day procrastinating from doing my school story. i cleaned up a bit, did all the dishes, watered the plants, gave turtledude some fresh agua too. over the course of the day i ate:

protein shake: orange/soy drink, canned pears, protein, ice. tasty!
bowl of cereal
2 vegetarian italian sausage
vegetarian chili in a cup thing
some more pears
then after hip hop i had a total craving for:
franks and beans. i wanted franks and beans. so i mixed some veggie hot dog in with some, and it was yum. and then of course 3 cookies. oh, and i had some chai tea earlier.

i was laying off the veggies a bit today because without bread in my diet ive been eating them alot more, and it was wreaking havoc on the ol intestines...theres just no nice way to say it. so i gave myself a break...by eating beans and chili. i never claimed to be intelligent.

so. part of my course is taking home stories classmates write and reading them, and then critiquing them. UGH. this is not going well, not to mention that i have to knock out my own story and have it torn apart by these monkeys, as well as writing a homework assignment. *overload*. plus, yesterday joel reminded me about this column i wanted to start, and i got all excited about it again today, making notes and jotting down ideas and i really think i could write something fun and informational and hopefully interesting and unique. and hopefully maybe get it printed, and get some dead prezidents in the process. except that i cant devote any time to that right now, because of me and my dumb course. but...if the unemployed thing hangs around for a bit (not that im wishing it, not at all), but if it does, that would give me some time to at least get my toes wet. i just hope the excitement about the project stays.

im listening to mozart. i listened to him earlier too when i was reading the stories from class. one story is really pretentious and wordy, yet still a good job, and the other is kind of predictable and fromage, but also a good job. none of it is a thrill, or overwhelmingly original, or anything that i can get excited about. the topics are just so...dry. but i dont want to be overly critical...i dont know that i can honestly say everything id want to say...fuck, im not the teacher. the teacher thinks that doing this to the others work will make us better editors with our own work, but i disagree. i can take it from myself about my own stuff. im not sure i can give it as openly to someone else. i dont want to discourage anyone or whatever. then again, i hate when the only feedback i get is 'its good'. maybe theyd appreciate it. *sigh*. im beginning to wish i had held off on the course. oh well.

what else. i watched general hospital. i taped american idol. i played with mac and eevee. i talked to cari for a half hour and it turns out she will be here with jace for his first birthday and at the same time as staci. crazy, all the girls together. good stuff.

i have to pee. im gonna call it quits for the computer tonight. tomorrow is yoga at noon and then im coming home to write, dammit, to write. i dont want this hanging over me all week.

time to see what all the fuss is about with this american idol bidness. gnighty, y'all.

--hear the people crying 'take me home'--

it is fucking cold out, man. feeling very lucky to have a house tonight.

watched oprah and saw a bunch of martin luther king jr speeches. i cried. what a loss for humanity his murder was.

the last thing i ate was yogurt covered pretzels and dried mango. probably too much of the latter. stomach ache kicking in now.

had a bit of a job interview today. im not hired, but i have a positive feeling about it. i might hear from them tomorrow, and if not, then the first week of february. hopefully. this gives me time to work on my story, which is developing. this is ok. i feel optimisitic.

class was ok. we did two people's stories...one was ripe with cliches but not terrible, the other was kind of dry but ok. not the kind of writing that excites me. long descriptives, lacking in dialogue or anything too fresh. in class excercises were fun.

had a good early workout today....weight days are supposed to be my fast workout but lately i wind up staying nearly three hours. its a nice gym, i guess its an inviting atmosphere because im not tiring of it and i look up at the clock and cant believe how much time has passed. im pleased with not staying up till 4 in the morning and not getting the 'youre out of work blues'. im still getting up early enough to get alot of shit done and feeling good.

took care of everything from the place that canned me. called the head office and asked for my 4% and my 'record of employment' without which i cant file for employment insurance. the wife of the owner answered the phone, the big owner, and she was shocked to hear i had been fired. she had no clue. she was really sweet so maybe she'll hear about some great job opening somewhere and think of me. i think she liked me cuz i never kissed up to her, just talked to her like normal, which she must not get alot because that company is so full of cowardly bullshit artists. it was easy, her name is my mom's name, and that aint too common, so i felt comfortable with her from the start. anyway, all my stuff is on the way to my house direct, so i dont have to go back and deal with the freakshow. tho someone on the phone today there said 'so youre happy with youre new job?' and i was like 'im happy, but what new job??' and he said he was told by the assistant manager that i left because i found a great new job and im really happy in it. MOTHERFUCKERS. i bet this is what they are telling my customers, who now must think i just left without telling them or a goodbye. as if i would. sucks. oh well, maybe i'll bump into some of them on the street.

im gonna have to make occasional trips down there anyway, for movies and for groceries...there is stuff in the nearby supermarket there that i cant get anywhere else. GOOD stuff. out of the way, so i'll have to buy the entire stocks out. big talk for a lass with no job, eh? its all about food. will it ever not be?

monday mission.

1. Friday I wrote about "People I Can Do Without." How about adding to the list with a few people you can live without?

i could do without people who throw their cigarette butts into the penguin pool at the zoo. actually, these days, i could do without most smokers in public closed spaces. in the lobby of the building where my gym is theres an enclosed hair-house. often the hairdressers stand right outside the elevators smoking, instead of in their store, outside, or between the inner and outer doors. i bite my tongue every time. i could do without employees who i speak to in english and who reply to me in french, and when i feel exasperated by it and ask them in french 'do you not speak any english?' they actually say no. fuck man...BILINGUAL NATION mean anything to you? also, people who ask me my nationality and arent satisfied when i say canadian. they keep digging at me and i know what they want to hear is that im jewish, but why the hell should anyone care about that? i like this question. its a good excercise.

2. Have you ever felt like someone truly respected you? What does being respected mean to you personally?

this is an odd thing to think about. its easy to feel disrespected, so feeling respected is more common. being respected to me i guess means just treating me as people would want to be treated themselves. anything else is disrespect.

3. In (past or current) relationships, what is the "one thing" your partner would change about you if they could?

hehe. i could list phone numbers and emails for first person accounts. umm. i know one of them wished i would shut up and listen and not have an answer for everything. some of em would wish that i lived in different cities.

4. Have you ever tried to change who you are to please someone? How did that turn out?

any changing ive done as a result of someone else's influence has only been positive behavior, so i pleased myself. when i lived in san francisco though i did become really passive and said sorry like a million times a day, when before that time sorry never meant a thing to me. i wound up throwing up after fights, my body telling me that the situation i was in was bad for me. i should have listened sooner.

5. Do you believe in love at first sight? Can it really happen?

i believe in attraction at first sight, and automatic chemistry. i think those two things together can wind up being defined as love, but im not sure it is love in the initial moments. hehe.

6. Today is "Martin Luther King Jr. Day" in the United States. How have Rev. King's accomplishments impacted or influenced your life?

he was a man of true greatness. i did a paper on him in early high school, and i remember i used the word 'prejudism' in my paper a bunch. turns out its not a word at all, and i remember giving the paper to my grandfather to read, and him telling me i had to reword all those sentences. i think its the only time my grandfather and i discussed something i wrote, and after he died when i was older and just starting to write for myself i much regretted that i never got his input on my stuff. he himself was rather prolific and published. so that mlk paper memory is pretty special. probably not the way he impacted most people, but thats the most personal way he affected me.

and thats the story, morning glory. time to watch third watch and hit the couch. must take off interview-mascara and shadow first though. hubba hubba.

i really feel like eating. i think its the cold weather, makes me want to pack it in, like a bear pre hibernation. not gonna, but MAN could i go for some veggie beef. man o man o man.

--tempted by the fruit of another--

just a few quick follow ups before bed:

-i did get a skeleton draft of a story done...it needs a lot of work and im not sure if its any good or not. tell me if this sounds familiar: its a short story about a girl who needs to get a story written for a creative writing class, but is having trouble on two levels: one, the intimidation of the deadline and having to write the actual story, and two, the distraction and stress of getting fired only a few days before adds to her blockage. hehe. i wrote it out by hand, but you can expect i'll run a draft of it on here if its what i go with. and i think i will. i didnt want my first story for that class to be heavy or sad, and honestly most of what ive thought about writing about has been death related in one way or another. so i hope this comes off as clever and ironic...not stupid. we'll see.

-i watched the golden globes. my commentary:

--lara flynn, get off the pipe. jesus, girl, what the fuck were you thinking.
--brad, tell me that hair is for a role. yeee-uck.
--richard gere for best actor in a comedy or musical? no. his part didnt even seem like a lead, and i thought adam sandler or kieran culkin or hugh grant had to work harder and did better. speaking of hugh and kieran....may i have some more, please? what totally different kinds of hot. but kieran...lose the gum.
--jack nicholson for best actor in a drama. yessss, but im glad i didnt have to pick. adrien brody and daniel day lewis were incredible too.
--how jealous am i of what salma hayek and edward norton seem to have going on? its measurable.
--ive never even heard of curb your enthusiasm, larry david's show. but now i wish i got it. i loved all his eye rolls and dryness. he seems like my kind of guy.
--john c reilly IS the star of every movie he does, renee zelwegger was right. the guy is awesome.
--when meryl streep won best supporting actress for adaptation (or adaption as harrison ford said, the dimwit) on her way up to the stage she and leonardo exchanged a kiss, which i thought was sweet...they did marvin's room years ago.
--anyone else HATE dick clark as much as i did? bowling for columbine sure tainted that dude. i did feel bad when i noticed he had a finger shaking madly while holding the microphone...didnt look to healthy.
--edie falco from the sopranos is beautiful, and so was her dress. take notes, lara flynn.
--u2 winning best song over eminem?! a travesty. i never even heard the u2 song, it just blended into nothing compared to what was going on onscreen during gangs. but the eminem song captured the message of the movie and erupts every time you hear it, even months later. that song is a damn anthem. they just dont want to give the kid his due.

ok, bedtime. big day tomorrow. nighty night.

i'm still standing. tomorrow is gonna be a busy monday. i have school at 8:15 PM, and the pressure of having to have a story for one week from tomorrow is getting to me, so that i cant think of one decent idea...not to mention other things prioritized on my mind, like oh...MONEY and JOB...but i digress. i also have to be at the great potential job spot at 3PM, and it would probably be a good idea to get my ass to the employment insurance office so i can go on the dole in case nothing works out. mix in going to the gym, and thats a full agenda. also...sergio told me that if i get a bad vibe from the 'interview' i can trot over to the other location where he is pretty sure it wouldnt be a problem for me to get in.

the problem with that place is location, which in itself is no big deal. but when you factor in that the usual shift is 11-2 and then 5-10...well thats 3 hours of nothing to do, and me with no car and no gym nearby. the first location would be more ideal, because its alot closer to home, and the busiest location. on a 3 hour break i could come home, work out... any number of things really. so cross your fingers for me, because tomorrow is a big day. and i know i shouldnt get ahead of myself, but i am kind of bummed that night shifts are likely to be in my future. i really enjoy having my nights to myself, and having the day to do whatever i need to do. but just because i go back to nights doesnt mean i have to go back to staying up till 4AM and sleeping till 2. i know this.

i just got home from seeing chicago with me dad. tonight is the golden globes, and ive seen alot of the contenders, just not adaptation or the hours. gonna make it fun, and im a sucker for the awards shows. chicago gets two nipples up. it was better than i thought it would be, and i cant believe its rob marshall's first movie. man, he had him some vision and pulled it off. renee zelwegger looks like she needs *several* pieces of cheesecake though. she is so bony and muscle-y....i like her as an actress but as a good friend once said to me 'speaking as her doctor' she could use a pound or 30.

after the flick dad drove me by my former place of employment to pick up my paycheck. man. holy uncomfortable. for me, sure, a bit...but the other waiters, jeez. the acting was top notch. some, being all 'what the hell? what happened?' as if they havent heard 75 things, and some being all 'oh, stephanie' as though somebody died...namely me. i was just trying to blow them all off with smiles and stuff, but there were some 'i miss seeing you' and 'we miss you around here' and just a bunch of crap. i think of everyone there only three people weren't over the top and natural. felt like a dream you want to end, quickly. so i grabbed the dough and boogied on out.

and now im home. i just had me some lunch cuz i was damned starving:
protein shake--chocolate soy milk, 1 banana, some wheat germ, 1 scoop soy protein powder, ice.
2 no garlic dill pickles
some pickled beet chunks
3 veggie hot dogs, no buns.

and i sit here in front of the box. i had my bag stuffed full of my notebook and some books with writing excercises in em because i thought maybe i'd go to a cafe to get some writing done. this place is too full of distractions at the moment, and i think maybe a different environment could spark some interesting ideas. 'just go write a story' isnt much of an assignment. its without direction. then again, if im a writer then writing a story should be just what the doctor ordered, so why am i having such a panicky time? maybe im just trying to hard and neat to chill and let the pen pull for a bit. which makes me think: cafe on the corner.

its 4 now. come home at 7 for the golden globes. sound like a plan?

think so.

also scheduled for tomorrow: derrick going to new zealand. jealousy.
vanessa's in ireland. bowman's going back to working the stones. big world out there and im sitting here on my butt. at least for now.

anyway, i gotta get in creative mode and out of reporting mode. see y'all later.

4 balloons just floated really quickly through the sky thats visible through the window in the door to my front balcony. one red, two yellow, one green. i craned my neck to see it go past. and past it did go.

--and all that jazz--