habit

hooray! the ten club has my montreal/albany requests! yay!! albany show is three months yesterday. i am PSYCHED. its so fun and insanity-inspiring thinking about where the fuck i will stay, how the fuck i will get there, and it all melts away in the excitement of seeing pearl jam!!!! wooooooooo! can NOT wait. ideally id like to stay at the same place i stayed when i went to see the dead with joel and mike, but i couldnt afford that on my own. i know i could get it for 75 american a night, if i book it two weeks in advance and cuz im a CAA member, and the room was super and the breakfast was great and they arrange for a cab to take you to the venue and all so you dont have to worry about driving and whatnot...i spose i should drop this info in emails to people i know going to the albany show. but thats only three people. hehe.

apart from that, all i have to say is: pfffffffffft.

i am NOT psyched about anything else. its my birthday on sunday and usually im pimping that fact like mad. but when you start thinking of grocery items as potential gifts because you arent sure of where money will be coming from, if its coming at all....its not enjoyable. im on my last chai tea bag....hehe, unemployed girls arent allowed such luxuries.

im not bummed, but i can feel that my spirit has dampened. its not like im sitting here doing nothing about it, i check job listings every day and apply madly for this and that and whatnot. today there was a listing for a new place opening up, some fish/seafood place, which would be torturous because A) im allergic to seafood and B) i crave fish. hehe. so i left a message with the dude in the ad, and spoke both languages and told him i have a decade of experience (hopefully he doesnt picture me to be 55) and if i dont hear from him tonight i will call him again tomorrow....but the place is described as upscale. this either means formal service, which ive never worked, or it means expensive plates in a casual atmosphere with a staff that look like models and dress in clothing tight as second skins. i dont see myself in such an atmosphere, but being voluptuous perhaps the ol rack would entice this boss...who knows.

not that i can walk yet and serve anyway...its so hard having an injury to the good leg because you dont realize how much you favor it over the other. today it was feeling pretty good so as i walked to the gym i stepped off the curb onto the street...with my right foot. the pain in my calf as i landed...it felt like a really tight pull in there and i worried that maybe i had torn the gastroc biatch further. no bruise though....this loud OOO sound came out of me...not quite an ow.

i still went ahead and did an hour on the bike. problem is, in pedalling only with the heel, the foot is on this non-natural angle, and 3/4 of the way through, my foot got all cold and gross feeling, probably cuz the blood had drained out of it. add to that a real soreness on the front of my right shin which is cranked at a bad angle too, and you see why im worried that compensating for the calf is gonna lead to a whole new series of problems with the rest of my leg. not to mention that now i notice when i step with my right foot its on an angle, not with the foot flat down. have started walking gimpy like and want my old walk. gotta watch myself. its a good thing im seeing the physio on monday.

next issue: my computer. it has long since made loud noises from time to time, i thought it was the fan inside. anyway, lately its been whirring and sounding like a sick car, whirr stop. whirrr stop. whirrrrrrr stop. now all of a sudden, no whirr. im not naive enough to think 'oh yay, the problem fixed itself, hoorah'. no. instead, im thinking something has given up and died in my computer. since the whirring stopped (between this morning and this afternoon) so has my ability to keep a solid connection to my provider? coincidence? maybe, and i hope so...but im worried that its a problem with my modem. if so...fuck. i need someone to crack this bitch open and take a peek....maybe someone whose name rhymes with never-BORIN or always SCORIN....or ok, warren.? couldja maybe wouldja?

the silence is deafening. it feels like the calm before the storm. im waiting for something bad to happen, beyond being disconnected like every ten minutes.

oh there is something else im psyched about: voting on american idol. woo, i love it. them big girls are awesome, and so is the big guy. enough barbies and ken dolls as so called american idols. lets get some meat on them bones. big talent in big bodies. thats what i wanna see. and i bet im not the only one. i will be severely disappointed if candians cant partake. hmm...im gonna look into that now.

pearl jam and american idol. the two highlights to my day. its so funny how right now my favorite pearl jam song is rearviewmirror. i had about given up on that song in 2000, not that it could lose its power, but just because id heard it so many times and there was all this new stuff and still is...but man. does it ever get the wheels turning. right now its what i need.

stephanie, the hip hop instructor/desk person from my gym who i've befriended asked if she can grant me a birthday dinner. isnt that sweet? and NO, its not a girl on girl thing, sorry to quell any fantasies out there. she's got a dude in the gym. she just seems really amped about us being friends...calls me now and again. and she's a fun girl...but i tend to be more slow in sizing people up before i call them friends...and im not sure how much we actually have in common but she's got good energy. and a cute son so there it is. i got me a new friend, and her name is my name too. whenever we go out we can hear the people shout singing...ok i'll cut it there.

at least if i get bored (hasnt happened yet) i can update oh my joy and add all the riot act songs, since im going to have to anyway...or i can get working on my homework, which is to rewrite an ending to a historical event, or movie, or book. im trying to come up with ideas, and am soliciting some as well. not interested in oj or quebec referendums. i thought maybe about how if jeffrey loria wasnt a dirty crook and did build the expos a downtown stadium just for my own delusional pleasure, thanks to a suggestion from brad, who ive deemed evil no more (and him me). i also thought about yoko getting the bullet instead of john, but thats it. if you have something, let me know.

see you later.

--i want to run like the lion released from the cages, released from the rages burning in my soul tonight--

there's a lot to report.

on saturday i went to the gym to do a step class. i dont know if i ever wrote in here about the recurrent charley horses ive been having in my right calf, for more than a month. anyway, it was acting up during step and i had to stop twice to stretch it but then i was stepping down, backwards, toe-to-heel and something in my calf went POP. it felt like knuckles cracking, except hey, there's no bone in there, and it was not good. it nauseates me to think about it, that pop...i picture evil fluid pouring into my system out of whatever popped, its blech...but thats cuz of the book im reading where the mom has aids and pictures...anyway im digressing.

so yeah. it was all bad. i limped out of class and collapsed on the mats and asked for some ice. then i limped home.

my brother has been injured a lot, being the giant psycho wrestler workout fiend type...you know the kind...haha, no chance in hell you know a kind like my brother...unless you actually know him. anyway, he recommended a sports clinic and to see a physio, so first thing monday thats what i did.

its so weird, this calf thing. its not like spraining an ankle, where it hurts all the time. it only hurts if i step the wrong way, it feels all tight and horrible. if i walk on my heel its pretty good, or if i limp.

the physiotherapist told me its a torn gastroc. and im lucky, bad tears = surgery. mine is only little, but motherfucker--no pounding on the right leg for 5-6 weeks! that means no running on the treadmill which i was so digging, no elliptical trainer, and worst of all: no hip hop. woe is me! im stuck on the dreaded bike for god knows how long. i told her next time she sees me (the physio) that i'll need her to look at my ass too, from the fucking bike seat. i loathe the bike. its SO boring. altho, i must say, rearviewmirror from dc 2000 really rocked the bike this afternoon.

a weird omen. she asked me what i do, and i told her i waitress. she said 'it would be best to get a week off, being on your feet would exhaust it and it would get sore alot easier, not good for healing' and i was like 'oh, i think i can arrange a week off'. hehe, if it was gonna pop, the old gastroc, it picked a good time to do it. and i do want it to heal, i dont want no surgery where im out for like 6 months. hell no.

so. now im out of work, out of commission somewhat, and about to be one year older. couldnt get worse, right? wrong.

the fucking restaurant was supposed to send my record of employment to me so i could get started with the process for employment insurance. i dont intend not to work, i just want that cash as a back up in case things dont work out right away with finding a new gig. so finally i get the record, and its ALL WRONG. my start date is wrong. my last day worked is wrong. my last pay period is wrong. my 4% total is blank. and this is the best. they said the reason i am no longer working there is because: i quit. they said i quit. motherfuckers. its because i didnt work the last two weeks they offered me after telling me im horrible at my job and that they dont want me there. and i bet because of that i dont get the employment insurance. bastards. not to mention that all the mistakes mean i have to fucking deal with them some more, to make sure they get their fucking act together. which i guarantee they wont.

but i dont want to discuss it. it gave me such aggravation...i was at the government office for 3 hours today. fuming over my old workplace's fucking stupid mistakes...a monkey could have filled out the form better. it was stressing me out majorly and getting me down. but i caught myself and thought 'look, it will either work out or it wont, worrying wont change anything, so chill. another job is the goal anyway, so relax.' and so i almost sank. i almost flipped to the dark side. its starting to feel like an uphill climb, and i dont know why this is all happening. this year is not being very good to me, personally.

but the rearviewmirror kind of pieced me back together. i was inside it. and i got alot of crap out through it, i guess. and i think alot of how i feel today has to do with my period coming but maybe it just really is a lot of not too good things, even if they do work out in weird coincidences.

so some good stuff.

yesterday in creative writing we all read our homework assignments....character assignments revolving around a tin box and two characters, one with the box who doesnt know they are being watched, and one doing the watching. and im pleased to report that the class and the teacher really loved mine, they thought it had mystery and pacing and suspense and that it was moving and complete. i was pretty proud of it because it came from a personal place for me, and so i liked that they dug it. the guy next to me said 'oh, she can write' all surprised like, hehe. its not like i look like human barbie.

ive gotten into a snack habit for that class. a big cup of chai tea, and a bag of yogurt covered pretzels and some slices of dried mango. *addicted*.

i handed in my short story for their review and im not expecting as stellar a response. we'll see though. anita dug it.

if you wanna read either of these, email me and chances are i'll send them to you....im just not so willing to post them in here anymore. kinda wanna keep it protected a bit.

so, maybe the bad shit is a karmic balance for the goodness that is pearl jam shows. 3 months from right now i'll be a VERY excited pre-albany girl. and before going to bridge/groundwork i was unemployed too, and that all worked out.

so ive got fan clubs coming for albany, toronto, montreal, dc and boston. and philly if i can make it happen. i wish i could make more first leg shows, but i dont think its meant to be. i cant wait, its pretty exciting thinking about it. i have no idea how i'll get around, apart from toronto and montreal, or where i'll stay. and that is half the excitement and fun. but i cannot wait for some state of love and trust. oh i cannot wait.

my other saving grace was a phone call from jasonkirk tonight. and he rules. if i could make him officially my family i would. adopt a brother or something. even if he calls during american idol. i am so blown away by some talent on that show, jesus can some of them folks sing. anyway, i love me my jasonkirk. back off mine, get your own. =)

i cant find the fucking roots jamaica hat online. if you can i'll give you a prize.

and thats it, really, i think. i have to go do my last set of stretches and my last ice session with the leg. im feeling really tired...but its actual fatigue, not depression fatigue.

and my local grocery ordered the fake tuna i asked them to, and a ton of the momo's stuff that i love. its already in my freezer for testing very very soon. oh, let it be like actual fish. i miss fish something awful. woooooo tuna. oh boy oh boy.

heheh, leave it to food to perk me back up.

ok, me and my sore butt are audi 5000.

some asshole posted on the pj newsgroup that dave matthews died today. he most certainly is most alive, thank you very much. but in between reading that one sentence (and ignoring a huge paragraph that followed) and begging sheri to please tell me that wasnt true...it was a tense moment. it woulda broke me, i woulda lost it. because i also love me some dave matthews and i need him to stick around as long as possible. so fuck that guy with the hoax post. and jesus h christ would my period please get here already so i can get a hold of myself.

and eminem's lose yourself is still a total amp up.

and much music is airing pearl jam's chop suey videos on my birthday. how fitting. =)

and it was really good talking to my brother. a good thing that came from the injury. im doing all i can to stay on the bright side. hangin tough.

--sometimes life dont leave you alone--