habit

i visited billy today.

i want to say he's been on my mind lately, but he never really leaves or left. i expect to see him, randomly, when i'm in the car stopped at a light and watching a crowd of people cross the street...that he'll be in the crowd. or turning the corner of an aisle in the grocery store, or leaving a bar...out of the corner of my eye. of course i know it cant possibly be him, so why do i expect it to be just the same?

it was a reminder it wont be him, ever. his stone is up, and there's an etching of him on it, with the words 'you died as you lived. everyone's friend. forever missed in our hearts' or something to that effect under it. nice words, true words. the etching...he looks plump and older, and i laughed that he'd be none too thrilled with whoever chose it. he'd prefer one leaving the ladies drooling. hehe.

i only stayed like three minutes. it was so totally quiet up there, it was almost astonishing when i got out of the car. my music had been loud. i talked to him quietly a bit but i felt almost silly because i think things to him as they come to me all the time, so it was like he knew without me saying it, or so i believe...that he's in a place with all thats unseen and unspoken and invisible yet still there. it was difficult when i left, because its so real.

the anniversary is the tenth of september. almost been a year. seems like it happened yesterday and it seems like it happened 5 years ago. god, his family, it must still be so fresh, he was so billy, so in color and full volume...

i got back in the car and turned the radio off, and drove back down slowly. i stopped at the bottom of the mountain and parked. there's a plant shop there, and i went in and bought two small plants that i will grow big if i can. it felt right to bring home some life, and i think i will do that whenever i go see him. i think somehow he'd like that. it made me feel better too.

anyway, it just needed to be documented.